sinful thoughts of the cynical self absorbed arse.

psycho.

2007-08-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

keep telling myself that - it was all worth while.
i know its not. everyone around me knows that , during that period in time i was the worst. in a state no one saw and no one wants to remember me by. i was nothing of now. everyday was a dread , worse than now. i never liked being anywhere. i only liked be home and drinking myself away.

side effects ??? PLENTY.

what have you turned into. what have you become. you were not worth it. why do i bother bothering about you. i don't get it. its fucking irritating that you turned into a bitch. i saw the signs but i didnt listen. so much for gut feeling.

all your empty lies. those nights. i clearly forgot till now. you can keep coming back to me. but a single communicative line now turns into dust. tell me ; wait. maybe not. shit happens. and that shit just happens to be you. (as said by wei.)

yes i know she aint good for me.
she never was.
so much for it.
keep psycho-ing myself.
'it was worth it'.

kaaye\.

- those empty lies.

num num.

2007-07-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

FUNGI.

more FUNGI !!!
(so cute.)

uh huh mummy.

feet-os.

botanical gardens is GAY.
=x

singapore's 'ne-gar-rah' falls.

my very satisfied sissy and her cake.

apple crumble !!!
wee ...

this is what happens when you get sugar high.
morale of the story : don't take so much sugar.

=

my family and i went to BOTANICAL GARDENS YESTERDAY !!!
woot. it was really fun and everything. we brought , vietnamese spring rolls , wine , beer , chips , water , iced tea , beer , card games , psp , more beer , cheese platter , crackers ... and the list goes on.

whichever , it was really nice. botanical gardens were having a convert in the park , and it was really really nice. the jazz music was great along with the singing and all that nonsense. a tard sad that lynn couldn't make it. but my sister's innocence entertained me through out the entire time. heh heh. =x

the concert lasted till around ... 6 plus 7 ??? headed to tanglin for a nice simple dinner and dessert at the cafe near the super market. heh. bought groceries ... then headed back to henderson.

wonderful sunday.
with a hell lot of shit.

kaaye\.

- ride away with me.

updates

2007-07-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

me kite !!!

it didnt really fly tat high.

=

and so sunday was kite flying day with my family !!!
we went to town , grabbed lunchy then headed to marina bay.
heh. it was kinda fun. but then ... the god damned ground was so fucking wet my shoe got damped. shit balls. headed to have steam boat for dinner along with that we played pool too. its been a long long shit time since my family went for this kinda thingy. heh.

next week's botanical gardens !!!
woot.

=

SIAMESE SUGAR PACKETS !!!

guess.
its 'burnout'
then in less than 15 mins ... she'd throw it back at me.
know why ???
cause she is lagging behind at 35 seconds.
-.-''

she think's she's drop dead cute.

here comes ZHI LIAN KUANG's.

WELCOME TO CAFE IGUANAS. =))

i soaked their sleeves with drool and tears ;
since year one.

my 4 gfs in poly.
=x

uh huh ...

GROUP PHOTO !!!

=

okay we we all met up. (LIKE FINALLY) we went to cafe iguanas. heh heh. margaritas galore !!! didn't drink much , but thevi and na na did !!! ha ha. whichever it was really fun. cause we got to cam whore like no one's business. ha ha. LOL.

bananie was asking me ... 'do you guys have to take pictures of everything that comes to the table or moves ?!'
ANSWER IS --> YES !!!

buah ha ha. it was really fun. after dinner we went to walk around at central then bananie and i left to town. met jong , dee , krys , fox and eugene for a bit. then off to watch 'vacancy'. its the worst movie ever !!! omfg. it so god damned lame. headed home after that.

bananie and i are getting ...
OLD.
=x

kaaye\.

- to hell wit everything.

is this it.

2007-07-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

enough of this parade.
i am thinking of the words to say.
we open up ;
finish last.
broken up.
its only love.

=

i can feel my patience level ;
stretch , worn , torn and mauled.
this is not happening.
i need to take my medication.
she's in the way.
enlighten me on something.
would you give a sick person medication ;
or let him or her die ?

noone knows what's lying beneath.
i am alone.
i know it.
everything comes in one's.
they don't come in clusters.
...

its coming back.
i am back to mauling.

kaaye\.

- save me from myself.

dessert time.

2007-07-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

dessert time !!!

more dessert.

i inherited my ...
noeyecanseedaremeifyouthinkicant eyes from mummeh !!!

me sissy and maid.

and then the parents.

=

okay.so this was sunday. =)) we went down to china town to the optician to get my entire family's eye checked and glasses twisted back into order. then we headed to that particular dessert shop for dessert !!! =)) *beams. it was definately delightful. i missed having dessert at that place.

after which , headed to grams for dinner. after dinner ... i went to meet bananie. then ... walked around east coast ... got cheated of ice cream , bought fruits ... then went home. =)) she sent me to school on monday and tuesday !!! definately worth my everything. she even bothered to bring me 'long anns' !!! so so so sweet.

erm ... monday ... where did we go ... erm ... i can't exactly remember ... but i do remember we went to ... pasir ris yesterday !!! pictures will be up loaded soon. omfg. i tell you ... their master card machine doesnt work ... -.-''

and then the rest will be updated ...
SOON.
buah bye.

kaaye\.

- nothing quite like it.

still

2007-07-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

still he sits awaiting for something more.
something less maybe ;
he doesn't really know.
that same excruciating memories locked deep.
no ; you wouldn't live to feel.
those emotions kept deep within ;
out of sight ,
keeping cover till forever.
who know what might ;
those tormenting images slashing ,
everything you've ever had into piece.
forgoing everything ,
he finds nothing like inner peace.
he closes his eyes ;
tears start trickling down ...
all he sees are memories of a time long forgotten.
no matter what's been said or done ;
nothing will ever bring them back to life.

kaaye\.

- i'd never come back.

blind.

2007-07-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

i was young but i wasn't naive.
i was helpless as you turned around to leave ;
and still i have the pain i have to carry.
a past so deep ;
that we could not bury it if you tried.
after all this time ;
i never thought we'd be here.
when my love for you is blind.
but i couldn't make you see it.
couldn't make you see it.
that i loved you more.
than you'd ever know.
when part of me died ;
when i let you go.

=

oh does history love to taunt people.
tell me this is not happening.

kaaye\.

- take me outt.

number 6 part 2.

2007-07-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

fluffy !!! =x

and she never fails to make my heart flutter.
=))

=

NUMBER 6 was fucking fun !!!
we celebrated it like ... a day in advance. we had dinner at like micheal angelo's. which was really really nice. we each had potato and leek soup. followed by a glass of wine each. (i still don't understand why she supports all kinda wines except for italian. i think she is bias. fucking bias to be exact.)

whichever ... she has CAESAR SALAD. omfg. you go to a nice place only to have salad. *curses. and i had a SEAFOOD PASTA !!! yummies away !!! i still love that place just like the first time i was there. and we were early cause i was HUNGRY !!! =))

headed down to town in avial. cause the fucking movie timing was screwed up. went for coffee. i tell yer ... we have sleepy timings !!! once the clock striked 2100 +++ hrs ; we were yawning. god. =x anyways ... went for coffee then headed to MOS. we were clubbing together all over again. ha ha.

ana and the rest were superly uberly late. so ... banana and i went to fetch mirah and mimah from crown prince to MOS. then we headed for mamak !!! wee ... i love that place. heh heh. headed home and BANG !!!
we slept all the way. =))

the next day we fixed stuff in the room. watch MARTHA STEWART !!! my favourite programme. bought lunch back with the pups. headed to bed for nap time. then to east coast where we made a fucking fool of our selves. then headed to ... parkway then HOME !!! dear kinda studied ; while i played psp. =x

i love my number 6.
woot.

kaaye\.

- to make you smile.

number 6.

2007-07-12T07:02:00.001-07:00

this is my number 6 !!!
=))
omfg.

its my number 6.
and i am fucking faithful.
and guess what ...
I AM ENGAGED.
*beams.

please don't give me anything negative.
what is right or what is wrong ;
i'd decide.
not that i don't love you guys !!!
=))

BANANA !!!
happy number 6.
i love you tons.
for more to come.
and more psp like gadgets.
heh heh.

i'd blog more tmr.
toodles.

kaaye\.

- the rest is history.

wedding.

2007-07-09T07:02:00.001-07:00

meet my 3th generation.
just like ... 1/12 of the entire 3th generation.
imagine the ... 1st.

meet ; majong grand mother.
she can say 'pong ; ci ; sek ; wu' ; etc ...
faster then you can say ; FUCK.

the people at my table for the night.

apparently ; my uncle's a minister.
how coolio is that.

=

went for this uberly cool wedding dinner at one fullerton yesterday aka SUNDAY. oh my god. i tell you ... singaporeans are really singaporeans. you tell them 1900hrs. they think 2000hrs. what perfect punctual timing does one really have balls. whichever it was ... the dinner was at one fullerton. so for the love of whatever god you might believe in ; DRESS UP. god. i saw people in short sleeved tops ; tees ; jeans ; sneakers ; etc ; etc ; etc.

i was about to blow balls.
how can you dress so shabbly to a fucking high class hotel for such an occasion like a wedding ??? KNOCK KNOCK ELO ; WAKE UP !!! whichever ... i thought the dinner was really cool. there were like so many people. and to think they are all my relatives that i have never met in my entire fucking life. omfg. and 85% are in the government sector. oh goodness me.

so yes.
today is monday and well ...
its not so fucked up.
PSP ni zai na li.
=))

kaaye\.

- number 6 is on the way.

fluffy.

2007-07-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

see the white white foamy thing !!!
i tell you ...
its REAL.
for the love of god.
IT IS REAL !!!
and it kinda like hardened already.
ITS FLUFFY AND FUCKING CUTE.

=

its thursday. and i can't wait for friday. i can feel the weekend breeze passing me by ; caressing my face and luring me into its very breast. WEEKENDS ALWAYS SEEM SO FAR AWAY. why why why.

i am going to go running later. while my gf slacks and ... well .. grows mushroom at fly and heads to the dreaded party at night. i am so over clubbing. and all that involves it. i fall asleep even before 12 on a weekend. what more is there to state !!!

weekends ...
ni zai na li.

kaaye\.

- lolly pop ;
the sweetest candy in the candy shop.

omfg.

2007-07-03T04:26:00.000-07:00

'hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.'

omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg.
i am so so so so so utterly ; extremely times a gazillion billion julillian times temperamental. something is so so so wrong. someone tell me why i am so fucking sensitive. this is not right !!! i am not supposed to work this way. god damned it.

oh my tian.
that aside. today is biomedical instrumentation. i tell you ... the only thing why i think that my teacher is kinda interesting is that i don't understand and i cannot comprehend how people like her ... can be so enthusiastic about teaching such a dull subject to students like myself.

seriously ... i cannot think of a good excuse of what so ever, its pure madness i say.
but whichever it is , i think that her attitude toward teaching is so so so beneficial to each and everyone of us ... she makes it funny and light hearted instead of dull and boring due to the fact that she is so spontaneous. omfg.

whichever.
i am going to play games.
yes yes.
AGAIN.
i know.

kaaye\.

- to the moon and back.

bloggie.

2007-07-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

how is one to live a morale and compassionate existence ;
when one is fully aware of the blood.
the horror inherent of life.
when one finds darkness not in one's culture ;
but in one's self ?
if there is a stage which an individual life becomes truly adult ;
it must be ones grasp with the irony ;
in its unfolding and accepts responsibility ;
for one life lived in such paradox.
one must live in the midst of contradiction ,
because if all contradiction was eliminated at once ;
life would collapse.
there are simply no answers to some pressing questions.
you continue to live them out ;
making your life a worthy expression leaning into the light.

=

kill me ;
maul me.
just remember to take your image away.
i can still see ;
feel your skin against mine.
don't.

kaaye\.

- when part of me died.
when i let you down.

something along those lines.

2007-07-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

this was the only thing that made me squeel in delight.
when i was a kid.
OPTIMUS PRIME !!!
defender of the universe.
- okay. i sound like a kid.
buzz off if you ain't trippin'.

=

okay okay. and so i was listening to hossan and maggie over the radio this entire morning. yes. that is such a thing as a god damned flag down rate thingy going on. and trust me ... its getting out of hand. the singapore system is NOT SO GOOD AND CLEAN AFTER ALL !!! - think malaysia KL ; whereby they operate by flag down rate.

incident 1 :
i was at MOS. and i wanted to get home. this merz was like telling me its like a blinking $35 to get from CLARK QUAY TO TIONG BARHU. that is THIRTY FIVE. i pay only $6 max to get home even with the fucking mid night charge !!!

incident 2 :
my mother saw this happening. 4 ah mohs were like at little india. this cab stops and tells them its ... $45 to get to town. ELO !!! $10 give the uncle , also got change la. bloody kayu !!!

ladies and gentlewomen. this is what i mean by ... the singapore system is not as clean and green as advertised. so much for ... its a fair and just country. cause ... its not only one cab that is destroying the entire reputation of singapore's cab industry. its like ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... ... ...

that aside. the weekend was a fucking blast !!! at least i enjoyed every single bit of it. =)) went out on friday with banana ; my sister ; ling ; wei and raymond. omfg. it was fun. though short lived. we went to china town for chicken rice and durian. omfg. we even sat on the exact same table as last time. ... i so so so very miss those days. oh wells.

headed to have durian. poor raymond. ha ha. totally. he doesn't eat durian la. ... i seriously pity him. and then we went home. bathed ; watch movie and ... when the clock struck 12. bye bye kaye. i was so bloody sleepy.

did i mention ...
BANANA STAYED OVER !!!

saturday was a uberly slacked day. watched part 2 of the movie. had lunch packed in. headed down town. THIS IS WHERE I GOT SERIOUSLY PISSED. so many people ; the crowd was definately over whelming. and i could not take it !!!

i was cursing my white flat arse out !!!
ask lynn.

that aside.
the weekend was great. =))
jenny's back !!!

kaaye\.

- hopes and expectations.

2007-07-01T05:04:00.000-07:00

introducing DOCTOR NISHA !!!

elo.
i never knew gloves were like ... BLUE !!!

this is the only pic i took.
god damned it.
stupid stupid FAC !!!

meet my mr handsome.
ming.
ha ha.

pix-ies.

2007-06-28T21:05:00.001-07:00

my love.
buah haha.
chocolate was never meant to be this nice !!!
and not to mention ...
fulfilling.

look at it closely.
its PI PA GAO !!
that comes in a drink form !!
=))

kaaye\.

omfg.

2007-06-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

the one above is xiao ling.
my best web cam partner.
YES.
this is what we actually get done in school.

=

so i was bored on the train on the way to school ... and i started to think of alot of different ways to spell different rather provocative words ??? in a sense. but to me they are all the same.
take for an example ; horrific. it can be spelt as 'whore - ri - fic.'
get it.
then there is also gay. which can be spelt as 'ger-a-ye.' =))
i know am no genius. i was just fucking bored on the way to school.

i am addicted to this chocolate snack called pillows. omfg. i think its the cheapest ; nicest snack i can find in this concrete fortress called school. whichever it is ... school has left me more then just messed up. it has left me so so so ... stressed and DISCOMBOBULATED and more then just petrified of mondays. omfg. i tell you .... (rants on with as much curse language i know. no its not just one ling-go. its like ... 1 , 2 , 3 , ... ...)

I HATE SCHOOL.
we have labby later.
and i am going to camera whore.
now all i am short off are my poly mates.
DOCTOR KAYE IS HERE.
aka amateur gy-nah-co- lo-gist. =))
you up for a try ???

kaaye\.

- i wanna mambo.

durian season.

2007-06-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

i am a person that is all the way to the extremes. you know its like ... you know ... either you are or you are not. i don't like going grey on anything. anyways ... i know i have said this countless of times. but you know what ... i am starting to eat durian. and you know ... ITS DURIAN SEASON NOW !!! buah ha ha. i can't wait for friday.

there's this durian stall in chinatown. which sells really cheap durian ... like 5 bucks for a med - large sized one. omfg. and its uberly creamy and all. uberly nice. =)) friday friday friday. FRIDAY I AMMA GONNA GO !!!

school stinks from monday all the way to thursday (today). and i can already forsee that it is going to suck tomorrow too !!! tell me i am psychic. i can fortell me bitter future. when it comes to school that is. omfg. saturday seems more then just a day away.

and to add on to the mess.
i have lab work tomorrow.
DOCTOR KAYE IS IN DA HOUSE !!!
(i am going to take alot of pictures tomorrow. in that lab. so that i can reports back to this blog of mine and also ... to diss my girlfriend off. *beams.)

kaaye\.

- heard it all before.
doesn't matter what they say.

quiz rampage.

2007-06-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

omfg.
i am so bored in school ,
i started doing quizes.
i tell you ... its F*ing interesting.
buah haha.
go do some.
=))

You Are Trinity

"Touch me and that hand will never touch anything again."

What Superheroine Are You?

You Are a Tomboy

You're having too much fun to bother with nail polish and crazy diets.
Guys are instead impressed by how much you know and do!

How Feminine Are You?

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.
You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.
Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Are a Strawberry Blonde

Men see you as flirtatious, but they also see you as a challenge
Because you're totally fearless and carefree
You've got the lightheartedness of a blonde, with the attitude of a redhead

How Blonde Are You?

You Can Make 78% of Your Crushes Fall in Love With You

Your seduction skills are practically legendary. You know how to close the deal.
Just don't let someone you're really into get the better of you!
As long as you keep up your end of the flirting game, you'll get the prize at the end.

Can You Make Anyone Fall in Love With You?

Your Kisses Are Medium-Hot

Your kisses are definitely sexy, but you're not about to make anyone gasp for air.
You take it slow and steady... and you ramp things up when you get the right signals.
Your kissing style is adaptable and adept. And people who kiss you love it!

How Hot Are Your Kisses?

You Are 78% Jealous

You're a pretty jealous person, and you've started to let it really effect your life.
While it's natural to feel a little envious of what people have, it's never healthy to take it to these extremes.
Focus on what you've got going on. And improve on the things you don't like.
Being truly happy with yourself is the only way to chase out the green eyed monster!

How Jealous Are You?

You Are a Chocolate Mocha and Orange Cheesecake

Enthusiastic and intense, there's so much you love in the world... it's hard to do it all.
You are good at getting things to mix - friends, flavors, hobbies. You're the master of fusion!

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?

GO DO !!!
its fun.

kaaye\.

- when you are gone.

omfg.

2007-06-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

omfg.
i just did this quiz.
look at my fucking results.
omfg.
omfg omfg.
i don't know what to say.

=x

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

its monday all over again.

2007-06-24T17:19:00.000-07:00

i hate mondays.
and its like happening to me every single week.
which is definately like a pain in my fucking arse.
oh yes oh yes.
i found this new term.
its called 'LIC GAS'.
which then means ...
'like i could give a shit'.
i diss mondays.
and you won't believe how impeccably small my eyes are now.
gawd damned it.
i hate this.

itsgoingtobreak.youknowthetimesthatyoucanactuallyfeelitbreakingorthatacrackhasalreadystarted.nothing'sthesameanymore.notlikeyoumightevennotice.everythingis sowrongnow.nothingseemstheleastbitsaneoranythingalongthoselines;thingshavechanged.butiamtheonehangingbyastring.don'tchange.don'tgo.

kaaye\.

- its now or never.

this week.

2007-06-24T02:12:00.000-07:00

i walk alone.
think about home.
memories of long ago.
no one knows i lost my soul long ago.

lied too much.
she said she had enough.
am i too much.
she said she has enough.

standing on my own.
remembering the one i left at home.
forget about the life i used to know.
forget about the one i left at home.

i need to run far away.
i can't go back to that place.
like she told me.
i am a big disgrace.

=

okay. so the weekend wasn't that great. alot of arguements. no i didn't enjoy it a single bit. i don't know what is going wrong with me.
oh yes i think its me. all me.

i don't know what is wrong with banana and i. but we keep arguing and i can't take it anymore. cause i hate arguments. i don't know !!! god damned it. ...

whichever the case.
if you are reading this :
'i still love you like i did the first time i told you i did.
from that moment you walked into my life.
i have and i would always do.'

kaaye\.

- tastes like you.
only sweeter.

=

watch this.
its the video about making vegetarian cheese burgers.
no wenny i don't have a problem with you being vegan.
BY A GAY GUY.
who i think is kinda cute anyway.
=x

hate mornings.

2007-06-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

okay. so this is the low down. i hate school not cause its boring or that i don't like the company its more of the MORNINGS. oh hell yes. i hate mornings. they suck more then ... ... more then ... durian ice cream. (like you didn't already know i don't really like durians.) well whichever the case is ... I HATE MORNINGS !!!

its too early for anyone's brain to function. its down right despicable. for any human to think and deem that learning in the morning is better then anytime of the day. my white flat arse it is. oh my god. its so so so ... NOT !!! i study better at night with the help of any form of snacking and erm ... a little alcohol to give me motivation.

school's been fucking tough. i hate it. its a whole shit load of nonsense alright. its another ... one and a half months more before the holidays. someone tell me. how can you COME TO SCHOOL WITH FULL ATTENDENCE !!!??? omfg. elp.

i can just keep swearing till the cows come home.
(which they rarely do)
on how much i hate mornings.
god damned it.

kaaye\.

- i never measured up anyhow.

=

watch this.
i love the song.

out of touch.

2007-06-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

okay okay. here's the update from the weekend.

thursday.

i did something kinda horrid. i ran out of my house just to meet banana in the middle of the night after her shift at play. and no i don't feel the least good about it. i actually feel guilty. oh my god. my conscience is like somehow coming back to me. damn it.

had breakfast in her very drunken state and i swear ... i lost it. but i don't think she was sober enough to see it.

- what is the point of me going down to fetch you to get home if you are going to be in this 'high' state all the time. you made me rush down only to know in the end ... i had to wait for you. its not the first ... but i know its not going to be the last of such nonsense. its always like that.

friday.

i can't really remember. oh yeah. i sent her off to work ... then headed to meet wei wei and ling at vivo. oh man we had quite alot of fun !!! =)) walked around ... snacked all over the place. had a super hard time finding jeans. cause of ... *coughs. yeah yeah. then then ... erm ... went to this cafe. its superly nice. i am going to bring banana there next time we get our arses to harbour.

then the both of us headed off to get esther's present and to get to her bbq !!! it was esther's b'dae !!! =)) the bbq food was really nice. then we went to watch fantastic 4. then ... headed home.

i have been watching fantastic 4 since i was a kid. and NO. galactis did not die. HE CANNOT DIE. and silver surfer will never go against or betray him for that matter. its all wrong wrong wrong. god damned it. THE DIRECTOR KAYU !!! nah bei. waste my money.

saturday.

stayed home. okay ... see right there's this uberly nice jap place at tiong barhu plaza. oh yes. HEARTLAND PEOPLE's MALL. anyways ... its really nice and their salmon sashimi is like ... GODLY. ha ha. whichever it is right ... its damn nice and lynn and i are more then just addicted to it. nah bei.

had that for lunch. walked around. i bought myself the cutest froggy bank you can ever find in the world !!! and not forgetting really nice headphones. =)) went home watch the prince and me 2. then she had to go off cause she had dinner.

i slacked all the way at home. ... went over to her place like really late in the night. stayed for a bit then headed home.

sunday.

its baking day !!! =)) i baked banana cakes and apple german pancakes. they both turned out great. then the usual for the sunday thing.

=))

today's the first day of school.
and i am tired.
what a start.

kaaye\.

- hit me with your best shot.

dreaming.

2007-06-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

see darlings ; i have this things about dreaming. you know how certain things mean something and certain things mean something so so so much more then what they only seem to be. yes yes. that kinda thing. i have been having dreams. of the same person. that very person could be and might just be ; my person.

no no. names are not going to to mentioned.
you just fill in the blanks and hit me with an answer.

this is the most recent one :

i was at this place. i think it was some garden of somesort. it was really really nice. with all the greens and all the cute ducks swimming in this fat arse pond and all that. oh yes. that kinda thing. i am so so so sick and tired of listening to the trees and as i start to run around the park ; this person calls out my name and asks me where i was headed to.

saying something like ... 'you were supposed to wait there till i got back'.
apparently the person went to get something that i always loved. she was the first person who got me flowers anyway. for my birthday. no i didn't forget and i don't think i ever might just do.

i laid there in her arms and the scene changed into a hospital. i was dying or some sort. i saw lots of tubes and lines and hospital associated shitty stuffs all over the place. she was there. holding me ; hugging me to sleep. (yes yes. HURRAY actually. but i don't know why i was fretting in the dream.)

i told her she meant the world to me ; she started crying.
saying something like i am not going to make it through this final round.
that she knew that what she did was wrong.
and ... alot of others ... etc , etc , etc ...
0.o

hell yes.
i miss her.

kaaye\.

- keeps these dreams ;
they ain't mine anymore.

number 5.

2007-06-13T21:11:00.001-07:00

this is NUM-BA FIVE !!! =))

she seems more excited then me.

who won't love this.

HAPPY NUMBER 5 BABY DEAREST !!! =))

elo. nice nice dustbin.

step one. buy good champange.

step two. try pouring without dripping.

step three. G-O-N-E.

zao an ni hao.
ming tian hui gen bu hao.
(elo hangover.)

=

happy number 5 darling !!!
hello people.
5 gruelling months with banana !!!
and i am (i think) still very very much in love with BANANA.
=))
she makes me happy.
all so very very sing-ingly happy.
and each time we spend it at sentosa ...
we have to go to new zealand's naturals to take the counter picture.
(i know its lame. ha ha.)

i love you.
many many more months to come.
till next month's anni.

kaaye\.

- but i love you.
until the end of time.
come what may.

live.

2007-06-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

you know. i don't really know what to type for this entry of mine. i don't really have much to say ; really. cept for the fact that ... i don't get something. why do people say one thing ; and then do the direct opposite.

case one.

my grand mother is helping me get money back from that woman every single month. then when i ask her for the money that she is giving me back in installments ... my grandmother goes nuts. like ??? isn't it my money ??? ELO ??? *knock knock. i don't get it. and she makes me feel bad about taking the money. but isn't the money mine in the first place ?

case two.

why the hell are people so fucking irritating. let me try make this as subtile as possible ... i feel used. if you want to know more. inquire within. i feel neglected by this person. i feel used. cause the only thing this person calls for is for a favour. never to ask me ... 'how i you' or ... 'you are missed'. its been so long. and she's being the biggest hypocrate i have ever met. she built everything up so high. but only to realize that the foundations were never there. and BANG !!! everything is gone.
why.
and she is doing so. even without knowing.

i hate life now.
i don't quite understand it right.

kaaye\.

- always the bridesmaid ;
never the bride.

picture time.

2007-06-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY

tong tong's !!!

i swear these key holders are the cutest things on earth.

MINE !!!

=

FRIDAY

my favourite wine.

the kachang puteh bowl got small.

as retarded as usual.

=

buah ha ha. anyways ... i had a really funny weekend. friday was la la. but i skiped school and decided that holidays needed to be started earlier. ha ha. and not to mention , i delivered lunchy to banana !!! =))

she came over after work ... we headed to wine connection form town. cause town was fucking boring. then ... yeah. headed home. she tucked me into bed !!! buah ha ha.

on saturday ... met my grams and her at the same time. gram wanted to get her handphone changed and stuff. so ... yeah. headed for tea ... then we started shopping !!! buah ha ha. rather it was more of her and less of me. shopping's in the way. ate at kiliney road. it was really nice. breakfast for dinner. ha ha.

headed to watch zodiac. and i swear ... it was a long long movie. and it was kinda draggy. my butt almost had blisters. erm ... headed home afterwards.

we are now very lazy people.
and i hate my dad.

kaaye\.

- all those killings ;
why can't it be you.

sleepy over

2007-05-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

lunch-y at marriot.

i love this pic. and the person in it.

we were waiting for my mum to finish shopping at expo.

this is what was bought in less than 2 hours.

=

i stayed over at banana's yesterday !!! woo wee ... we did alot of shity stuff. i woke up , she was at gym. got my arse down to town. went for lunch at marriot. i love bailey's. holy shit. headed to the bank. walked around.

we ended up going home.
cause ...
we were very very tired.
omfg.

slept till like before evening. headed to bedok for dinner. SUPPOSEDLY that is. we ended up going to expo !!! food fair. =)) and we met my mother in the end. heh heh. which was kinda fun. anyways ... went to the gurdian thingy too. and banana finally bought herself and her mother comforters. buah ha ha. bye bye to freezing nights. =))

i am in school today.
and i hate fyp.
kill me now.

kaaye\.

- anything that leads to you.

doubt it.

2007-05-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

Want to,
but I can’t help it.
I love the way it feels,
It’s got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real.
I need it when I want it,
I want it when I don’t.
Tell myself I’ll stop everyday,
knowin’ that I won't.

=

its tit for tat now. no i am not exploding just yet. i have given up all hope. i can see my heart turning into ice. my brain defrosting. no i don't want this anymore. i am so tired of relationships. all the arguing. all the giving in-s. all the discussions. why can't people live on their own and be fucking happy that way. why why why. omfg. ... argh.

then its the arguments. the endless words used to slit each other's throat. the special words that hurt form the inside out. those sentences made to bombard your mind. to freeze your mind with hope that your heart might take over .

the speculations that you made. the assumptions that you make ; for some you thought that it might work or that it might be a better choice. but NO. it doesn't turn out that way. it doesnt turn out right. and you're to blame. you kick up a fuss. cause she keeps tagging behind and you can't take it anymore.

you used to be independent.
what now.

kaaye\.

- i finished last.

w.s

2007-05-20T06:09:00.000-07:00

When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I do believe her though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutored youth,
Unlearned in the world's false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue,
On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed:
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?
O love's best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love,
loves not to have years told.
Therefore I lie with her,
and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flattered be.

=

in another words ;
being two timed is normal.
and you've just got to live with it.
simple.
kapeesh ???
so what if i'm overly dramatic.

kaaye\.

- they all want to see me fall.

forgiving.

2007-05-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

You’d know it when you see that light.
Shining all so bright amidst all that darkness.
So warm ; comforting.
You know your time is up.
Your patience level resembles an ice cream tub.
Waiting for someone or something to eat it.
Slowly but surely ,
It’d be gone.
Before you know it.
Right before your eyes ;
Looking right into your soul ,
It comes upon you like that familiar scent in your mind.
The one that you can never forget.
But never forgive.
So familiar yet so unforgiving.

You try to believe everything that you see. Every single thing that she does for you is true. Or so you try to believe. The sloppy cover ups ; the lies ; the suspicious ‘truth’ she says real. Every time you look into her eyes after that small lie. After that evidence you found true to your claim came true. You know , you know she is lying right into your eyes. She has seen your soul. Taken it. Buried it within her heart. Taken that emotional support you know is all so comforting. Taken you for the ride of your life. All those lines she has spoken. The barriers she has broken all gone.

Each time you close your eyes , you know its all fake. You suspect everything. Forgive nothing. Call everything bluff. You tend to consider if what you now know and what she now states is the truth. Cause every single time you say something … You wonder if she is treating you like the other hers. Reassuring you , so that you would still stay and play her emotional pillar of her life. All so stable, while she is out there playing in the field she said was no more a part of her. Or so she states.

You don’t know what is right no more.
Cause for all you know.
She’s playing you like the others before.
Nothing is new no more.
Kisses given ;
You can never get back.

This is the last barrier you’re going to build. The one made with the heart of thorns ; shield of the mind. Hoping that it might last somehow. You pray.

kaaye\.

- i digress.

its going to come.

2007-05-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Been looking forward to the future.
But my eyesight is going bad.
And this crystal ball.
It's always cloudy except for ;
When you look into the past.
One night stand.

One night and one more time.
Thanks for the memories.
even though they weren't so great ...
"He tastes like you only sweeter".
One night, yeah,
and one more time.
Thanks for the memories,
thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

=

elo elo. i skipped fyp meeting today !!! hurry hurry say i did the right thing. heh. anyways ... it was pretty fun actually ... went to meet banana after school yesterday. picked her up from work , went to boat quay. had dinner. then ... went to watch a movie at ceni. 'bridge to teribitha' or something along those lines. went back to her place. then erm ... slept. woke her up at 10 this morning ... cause i couldn't sleep anymore and i don't know why. slacked. watched tv. played with the dogs.

headed to temasek poly today. at like ... 2 in the afternoon. cause she had to go for some graduation fitting thing. omfg. the gown is ugly. but i guess ... 'wearable'. then erm ... i came home to get my ez link card that i forgot to bring out yesterday. went back to town to meet wenny and banana went to meet her aunt.

met wenny , krystal and denyse today. had dinner at billy bombers ... after like slacking for a fucking long time at starbucks ... the one at like plaza singapura. yuppers. the billy bombers we went ... was the one at like ... cathy. the service and everything is so much better than that of the one at heeren. omfg. such big difference. but then the same company. left not long after. and now i am home sweet home. yuppers.

side note :

i swear to the heavens ; there is something terribly wrong with me. i am hearing things. more then last time. and the things i hear are ... very scary. at the same time ... it feels so real ... like someone is really saying those things. i feel like i am breaking down all again. i am going back down there. so soon ... i am so afraid of everything. and i feel like ... the world is breathing down my neck ... counting the amount of air i am breathing. and step i take.

with every step i am stepping into a familiar gallery of endless mind traps that i cannot win. i don't think i am feeling really very well. i can feel myself falling into the endless winter and no one's saving me. everything is so fake. nothing is real no more. people are failing. ties between friends are strained. its going down hill from now onwards.
it is.
and i know it.

kaaye\.

- one day this world is going to end.
as lies crumbling down.

long long.

2007-05-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

Why can't I get it right,
just can't let it go.
I opened up,
she let me down,
I won't feel that no more.
I got memories, this is crazy.
She ain't nothing like the girl I used to know.
I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I can't help it.
'Cause my heart is in the same ol' condition that baby left it.
And I,
I apologize, for makin' you cry.
Look me in my eye and promise you won't do me the same.

=

i am finally going to update. omfg. its been a fucking long time and i have lost touch with my beloved blogg. i am just so fucking busy ... the only free time i have for myself is when i sleep. even then ... i might not be alone. *smirks. (think little cousin ; twit.)

anyways , i think things are okay for now. i have been arguing and arguing my banana. and i don't know why. i think its school and her work. and all that STUPID STUPID stress is making us go mad. as in MAD. omfg. and yesterday ... i had my entire hard disk wiped out. like ... *KAPEESH. gone. bye bye. jai jian. see ya. that kinda thing. omfg. you don't want to know what kinda foul mood i was in. i felt murderous.

not to mention ... my temper has been getting worse .... i keep feeling the need to want to kill someone. or rather just the someone who's fucking irritating. god damned it.

kaaye\.

- unchain my heart.

all covered up.

2007-05-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

all those thoughts ;
lined up.
but none taken into light.
i have given up holding some conference of sort ;
i don't want to.
to have to wait along those lines ;
till something pops.
its not going to break ;
make or even form anything.
so why bother.

they make no more sense.
they hold no more place.
cause everything is but gone.
i'm so tired of overly thinking.
nothing's going to take place.
why bother loosing time waiting.
what i want or need ;
are no more of existence.

take it in its raw form ;
or to leave it.
i choose to leave it.

kaaye\.

- its not so easy.

funny.

2007-05-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

i am having lessons now. but i don't think i actually care that much. its biomedical signal processing. and esther just smsed me to tell me that her cousin is like bi. omfg. i can't believe it. okay. i attract younger things. but still ... they are kinda cute sometimes ... you know you know. the innocence that each and everyone of us lost. but then again .. it ends there.

its been irritating. sunday wasn't too great. been having LBP like no one's business. and no ... its not the least bit funny. cause ... you feel like crap. even when you go clubbing it never fails to strike just like saturday night. went to watch spiderman with banana and my parents. then headed to mos with banana.

it was kinda fun. but i got LBP and had to go home. god damned it. but mingy went around the world in 80 seconds FLAT. no banana wasn't too happy about it. but ... oh wells. i don't suppose you can expect anything better already. considering the situations.

got sent to school today !!! MONDAY ROUTINE !!! buah ha ha. =)) love it. i love it when banana sends me to school !!! woo wee ... school's going to be out soon. heading home then meeting her again for ikea. god. monday's a killer.

kill me please.
i beg.

kaaye\.

- my only joy ;
my worst sorrow.

as my heart keeps pounding.

2007-05-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

its thursday. i skipped school today. last night wasn't too good. argued with banana. but at least everything is clear now. and well ... i can breathe fresh air too. in some sense that ... the air and all is being cleared. yuppers.
i wonder what i missed out at school today.

i am going to sleep soon.
its thursday.
what more can i say.
i don't like pondering about stuffs too much now.
cause i just leads me to insanity.

kaaye\.

- don't keep me threading on a line.

other then me.

2007-04-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

everything said and done.
but nothing known.
into your arms i fall.
but nothing known.
never liked the feeling ;
oh , i never will.
there is something incomplete.
but nothing is shown.
into your eyes i see ;
but nothing falls short but endless nightmares.
of the time i fell unknowingly.
comfortable is not a feeling that is close enough to hand.
but nothing is felt.

=

its monday. oh man. i loved the morning. banana came over to redhill to send me to school !!! can you believe it ??? and considering she stays a million miles away and everything ... oh my god. whichever it was , we came to school ; had breakfast and everything then she went off. i went to class. its A&P. no i am not enjoying it the least bit. cause i am fucking tired and drained out.

had lunch with krystal and leisha. oh my tian. i so feel like smoking. but ... i guess i just have to resist. BUT RESISTENCE IS FUTILE ; IS IT NOT ??? kill me now. kill me now. gawd. whichever it is ... krys and i want to have a stay in movie night. and we can't wait. =))

and of course we talked about stuffs. old ; new ; concurrent. you know how everyone of us has this particular person for us. like ... your someone. that someone is someone ... you cannot forget or even think other than this particular person.

whenever you feel loved , that person's image comes to mind. no i am not talking about your current bf/gf. but ... someone. it might be your bf/gf. but ... its usually not the attache. do you ???

THAT SOMEONE.
i know who my someone is.
do you ???

its scary. but its all so true. we ain't alone in the whole entire process. everyone has a someone. who we cannot forget. cannot forgive. always reminisce. always long for. but the problem here is that you don't quite know if it is ... more of longing and super strong liking that you want the person. or do you really want the person back.

what would you do then.

kaaye\.

- what you might hear and know.
might not be what i feel.

my little rhyme.

2007-04-26T05:48:00.000-07:00

the sweetest of sweet ;
the brightest of lights ;
the darkest of nights.
they can't fight the memories.
those of forlorn.
for they are all long gone.
that battle fought ;
lost.
doesn't ring a bell no more.

=

okay. its thursday.
i hate thursdays.
i am getting moody.
i think i am going to hit the sack.
BYE BYE FUCKERS.

kaaye\.

- i tried to remember who i used to be.
nothing came close.

how now brown cow.

2007-04-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

HOW NOW BROWN COW !!!
oh my god.
i am seriously bothered.
i got the call form levis. now the problem is that ... i don't know if i can actually work there case like i am under bond and everything else like that ... not to mention ... they have like cpf contributions which would then in turn ... NOT ALLOW ME TO WORK AT ALL AND SO ON !!! argh. i am so messed up right now i can eat apples. -.-''

never mind. i am using my beloved gf's computer and i am not going to complain ... because i actully think that it works perfectly fine .. most of the time that is. =)) heh heh. and not to mention ... i hate school ... i have been hating schol since it stopped and prevents me from doing things that i want to do like ... SEEING MY GF !!! argh.

going to meet esther later. and i can't wait to transform into an uncle. in 3 seconds flat. ALWAYS. =) heh heh. need to go get apples too. buah ha ha.

kaaye\.

- mosquito ; i love.

counting stars.

2007-04-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

i don't like today.
not like i have liked any other day.
ARGUMENTS ARE ON TOP PRIORITY.
i find them all so 'fun'.
i am ... number ... 4.
count wei , zj and gil.
i am number 4.
'the best' is such an understatement.

i never liked life.
so why make it today.
i am going to take my anxiety pills.
and see the world in colour.
like normal people.

kaaye\.

- count all the stars ;
till i die.

never the same.

2007-04-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

its been 3 years close.
there are still tears ;
trickling down my nose.

lost are the days of summer and bloom ;
everything that is left ,
is but gore and gloom.
nothing comes close enough to you.
and far away you have ran.
cause tomorrow never came.

my regret was that i loved too late.
with little unknow.
and even less to hold on to.
still the date we held once persists.
in my memory you'd thrive.
like those in the past and those never coming.

its been 3 years close ;
with tears still trickling down my nose.
no ; you will never know.
not now.
not ever.

kaaye\.

- still i feel all alone.

sick.

2007-04-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

i officially hate this. today is the 4th day of school. and yours truly is SICK. oh my tian. i tell you ... i hate being sick. my head's opening its own disco - tech ; my stupid nose is clogged ; my throat is giving way to sand paper ; not forgetting my joints hurt. i think i am getting old. as in very very old. oh my tian. hate being sick. and now ... staying at home makes me feel worse. cause i feel like i am dying even faster staying at home.

i rather be out.
half alive then at home.
waiting to die.

woke up to an empty house. (like what is new) i am so so bored. just called esther and she might or might not be able to meet me. help. i am so so bored. i want to die and the blinking weather is not helping a single bit. its so humid i just wish i could melt and die.

banana came over during her lunch break. =)) which made me very very happy. took panadols but then they didn't work. i even took 3 of the panadol extras. but ... NOT WORKING !!! damn it. anyways ... made her a sandwich then slacked a little then she left. oh my tian. i miss her already.

okay. i am officially bored.
i need something to play with.
god damned it.

kaaye\.

- i love it when you call.

school.

2007-04-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

If I had castles built on high.
I'd find a million ways.
to write your name.
Against the sky.
Just to let you know,
you've caught my eye.
And if I had more than.
wealth could buy.
I'd sell it all and start again.
for just a chance with you.
Girl, I'd give my all to win your love.

And I would be rich.
And I would build all.
my world around you.
Just to show you.
How you take my breath away.
And you would find love, sweet lady.
Nobody else this side of heaven knows.
How you take my breath away.

If I could turn the day to night.
If I ahd faith to walk on water.
Maybe you would see,
the reason I thank God for miracles.
Cause baby when you walked into sight.
You turned an ordinary man like me into a king.
I would do anything to win your love

=

oh yes. school is starting. wait ... its already started and its endless rampage is having very very bad adverse effects on me. for one ... its sucky. and for 2 its comsuming so much of my precious time that i don't know what i am doing anymore. oh my tian. i am telling you ... i so just wish to die. here and now. oh my god. HELP.

went for my fyp today. isn't that bad. better then i had expected. but then i was late. couldn't get my fat arse up in the morning. and then ... erm ... what else ... went for the levi's interview. i don't know if i can actually get it. the woman seems so cold and everything else. oh my god. i hope i can get the job though. i need it.

and most importantly ;
I WANT IT !!!

by the way ; i miss my banana.
and i hate her.
cause she makes me miss her.
THIS BADLY.
i hate banana.
-.-''
i know i am contradicting.
SO !!!???

kaaye\.

- this welcome is gone ;
and i have waited long enough.

schoooooollll

2007-04-17T03:05:00.000-07:00

this is official.
school sucks.
even though for the first 2 days they were like teaching science and everything else. it still sucks. oh my god. i am telling you my brain juices are dry dry dry dry. so dry ... the sahara can't even come close to it. oh my god. HELP !!!

i was cupcake distributor today.
buah ha ha. they said my cupcakes were nice. =)) YEAH !!!
okay.
i am off to pick BANANA up.
loves.

kaaye\.

- red bull can't give me wings.

ohh .

2007-04-15T04:15:00.000-07:00

fuck you.
fuck me.
fuck everything.
this is what happens when you get sick and tired.
OF ALWAYS BEING SICK AND TIRED.
there is no such thing as resurrection or anything of that sorts.
save it.
keep it.
do what you must.
cause its going to be thrown away.
at the end of the day.

enough of this monotanous thing.

kaaye\.

- such a fool boy.

its number 3.

2007-04-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

HAPPY NUMBER 3 baby !!!
=))
its the third one.
and hopefuly more an more to come.
i love you as always.
even though ;
you ...

- don't cap botles.
- eat like there is a war.
- give me the look even when i didn't do anything wrong.
- etc ; etc ; etc.

whichever it is.
i love you.
*hugs.
its now only ... 9 mths short of a year.

kaaye\.

- you made me feel.

besides all that cheap talk.

2007-04-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

you know how it is ... when sometimes you hear ... 'there are certain things in life ; no matter how hard to try to get / get back ... you'd never get it back.' does it some how ring some shitty bell or something ???

well ... let me tell you this. FROM VERY GOOD EXPERIENCE - sadly ; its true. so true ... it burns your arse along with mine. ha ha. but back to the subject , its true. once you miss the opportunity and everything else , its gone. *kapeesh !!! GONE.

disappeared into thin air ;
vapourized ;
just went missing ; eternally.

then sometimes ... you have it. but never appreciated it. AH - HA. that is the one that haunts and is so daunting ... you'd live to regret. oh ... i am speaking from experience remember ?! its true. you'd live with it haunting your existence.

so people. when you think of doing something ... weigh the pros and cons. do everything ; research the pros and then the cons. then think about it again. don't live to regret. it'd be too late by then.

kaaye\.

- its a place i have never been ;
but it seems so familiar.

monday.

2007-04-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

people. i am in love with the motorola E6 !!! argh !!! i want i want i want !!!
god please drop some money upon me.

=

Here we are.
In the arms of one another.
And we still go on searching for each other.
Knowing that hate is wrong.
And love is right.
For us tonight.
When I look into your Spanish eyes.
I know the reason why I am alive.
And the world is so beautiful tonight.

It's a place I've never been. And it comes from deep within.
And it's telling me.
That I'm about to win first prize.
Knowing all I have to do.
Is reach out my hand to you.
Anytime I want to look into your Spanish eyes.

Let it be if we're nothing more than dreamers.
Who believe that we see no one between us.
How can they be in my heart.
And in my mind.
When all I can find.
When I look into your Spanish eyes.
I know the reason why I am alive.
And the world is so beautiful tonight.

=

okay. went to sch today for fyp. oh my tian. i tell you ... i can just sleep. oh my tian. but then what to do ... ITS STUPID FINAL YEAR PROJECT !!! never mind about that ... BANANA CAME OVER !!! ha ha. had lunch in sch and i was fucking hungry for some shitty reason. then like ... we had western and i had an extra like nasi padang. heh heh. 2 plates of food !!! shiok-ers.

went down to like amk to like get my banana's hair cut. she looks so cute now. heh heh. =)) not like she didnt look cute before !!! ha ha. then like ... yeah. went for dinner at a damn cold jappy place. then came back home !!!

watch the L word and like ... yeah. shiok. slacked. and then like ... yeah. she went back. and WA LA I AM ONLINE.

kaaye\.

- it never was fortold.

bad start.

2007-04-08T05:25:00.000-07:00

thursday.

there were damn good things happening on thurday.
BUT ALSO THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.
banana got into an accident cause of ;
yours sincere-ly.

went to the zoo in the day with bro and dee. saw so many animals and trust me ... they are the most unglam things on earth. they just poop when ever and where ever they want to. oh my tian. and the weather was so hot ... my polar bear wasn't white and fluffy. *cries. it was black. cause .. little did i know ... polar bears have BLACK SKIN !!! ARGH !!! never mind. i loved the otters too. reminded me of jong. heh heh. =))

bro and denyse stayed over. we went to play not long after. pretty fun. but then ... the initial part was cocked up because ... it was so fucking crowded no one could get naything donw and it really irritated the fuck out of me i wanted to kill myself. NEVER MIND.

music was great. company was great.
then came the arguement.
I AM SO FUCKING SORRY.
and the rest ... you ask and i'd tell.

friday.

spent most of the time with banana , bro and dee. made breakfast for bro and dee before banana came over. they left not long after. leaving banana and i. then ... i cooked for her and ... off we went to tiong. bought dessert and went to see the doctors. then ... yeah. went back to my place. had dinner. dad cooked. and ... not long after ... she went back and ... TO LALALAND WE WENT. =))

saturday.

she came over after gym. =)) hung around. went to marina square. walked around. had dinner at kenny roger's. ... walked. went to town. got tickets for 'meet the robinsons' at ceni. went to heeren for a little shopping. then back to ceni. then ... okay.

the rest is for me to know.
and you to eventually find out.
ITS NOT GOOD.

my heart aches every single time i think about it. cause its my fault and i never should have put her in that stupid situation that even myself can't take and i had to put her into it. i made her cry. ( ohyes. so much for kiss the girls and ... NOT making them CRY !!!)
sorry is just not enough.

sunday.

went to town with family.
went to bugis.
family went home.
met banana.
took neos.
went home.
she went for dinner.

kaaye\.

- i never knew ;
it would hurt that much.

all day long.

2007-04-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

you know when day light turns into darkness. its not a really nice thing. especially when you have so much you have been holding on to. and especially when they start to line your every thought. and when like ... well ... everything suddenly reminds you of someone or something or some event that you have kept so close to your heart that its a little difficult not to be bothered by it.

its not like its something small and insignificant. its something so big. you really wonder what you got yourself into and why can't you just let it go. its so easy to say it.

so why can't you just let it go.
right ???

so why can't i just let it go.
god damned it.
fuck everything.

kaaye\.

- its so close to home.

today is sunday.

2007-04-01T06:39:00.001-07:00

If you keep on taking.
My heart you'll be breaking.
So why do you do this to me?
You know how I'm feeling.
It's you I believe in.
Baby can't you see that I need you?

Everyday reminisce about the past.
Of a love that we thought would last.
How we used to be when it was you and me.
How did it all disappear so fast.
There are days that I can't forget.
There are things that I now regret.
I was there for you when you were there for me.
And I was thinkin' we were set.

Every night when I'm laying in my bed.
I hear your voice going round in my head.
Think of all the things I could have done and ...
All those things I could have said.
I really will make it up to you.
I know now what I've got to do.
It took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing you.

=

today is sunday.
tomorrow is going to be monday and also the start of everything. everything as in EVERYTHING. tomorrow is the start of my so called training. training as in ... getting buffed or at least try to before like ... starting school and everything else. my tian. its such a dread but then ... come to think about it right ... its like ... a good thing. i get to like get my body back in shape and all that nonsense and also ... i will get a nice tan. i think. at least. i think.

went out with my parents today. went to like isetan for lunch with dad , mum and little sissy. walked around and then i showed my mother my pretty tea cup i bought with banana last night. heh heh. =)) i hope she gets me more. ha ha. heh. then we walked around isetan. ...

went off to meet banana. at suntec and everything. got like alot of grocerries. =)) and i am going to cook for my banana tomorrow. woo wee ...

that's that.
and i am hungry.
AGAIN.

kaaye\.

- closer to me.

PICTURES.

2007-04-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

KL TRIPPY !!!!

2007-03-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

AND NOW I AM BACK FROM OUTER SPACE !!!!
i know you missed me.

buah ha ha. i got back from KL like ... on wednesday night. went there with banana !!! oh man. it was damn fucking fun. the food is cheap ; their sale is to die for and not forgetting ... they have dunkin' donuts !!! and guess wad ... i bought one and a half dozen back to singapore !!! buah ha ha. hand carried them for my little mei mei. ha ha. i bet you ... she loves them more then me. I BET YOU.

anyways ... banana and i went there for like ... 3 days and 2 nights.

day one.

reached KL at like ... 2 ??? cause there was really bad traffic all the way. and then there were no cabs. blah blah blah. then then then ... we went to check into the hotel. i pissed her off by jumping on the bed like it was a trapezie. then ... we went to walk around our hotel. went to bukit bintang ; lot 10 and sugei wang. had lunch. walked more. went back to the hotel to wait for capri !!! =))

she brought us to the curve. we had dinner ... then ... went back to the hotel for an entire drinking session ... i will never forget. and then ... SLEEP !!!

day two.

we went to ... KLCC in the day. they have a wonderful range of like cafes that have like ... wine and everything. all facing this huge water thingy. [ i never really went close enuff to check them out.] then ... walked around. AND THE SHOPPING BEGAN. ha ha. fcuk is fucking cheap. BUT ; its only on the girl's clothes. trust me ... banana was going bonkers trying to buy something.

walked walked. met my god aunt and uncle. had tea at dome. for one ... their dome is so much better than that of singapore's. then ... they have really good affagato. damn it. it makes you hyper. then we hitched a ride to megamall. walked around. bought some stuff. AND THEN WE WENT TO A JAP PLACE FOR DINNER. and a spendid conversation between banana and the owner went like this.

owner : 'hello ; welcome.'
banana : 'hello.'
owner : 'table for ???'
banana : '2 please.'
owner : 'would that be smoking or non - smoking ???'
banana : 'SMOKING !!!!'

for one thing right ... its a restraunt !!! its not like some ... cheap - o place and everything people. its some ... high end thingy. damn it. so fun. and then of course. ... just cause we don't have it in singapore ... WE SMOKED. ha ha. so lame right ...

met capri after dinner. she brought us to like this arty farty theatre thingy. which has like a jap place in the middle of a pond and tons of koi. really cool if you ask me. then ... erm ... we walked around ... bro brought us to petaling street. CAUTION PEOPLE : IF YOU HAVE ANY BRANDED STUFF. PLEASE DON'T GO TO PETALING STREET. DON'T !!!

the reason to which ... they have everything pirated. everything you want from like LV or like tiffany and co. they have it. and it looks so real ... you wonder whatis the difference. banana and i felt cheated. BLOODY CHEATED TO BE EXACT.

went to a mamak aka kopitian for supper. slacked. talked and laughed. and then ... went back.

day three.

went to the chinese market near our hotel. and i don't know why ... banana loves that place. and it was a miracle i remembered how to walk there. then ... went to KLCC. had a good lunch. walked around ... bought the donuts !!! then then ... went back to fcuk to get her pair of shoes. then ... WA LA. BACK TO SINGAPORE WE CAME.

=

it was a really good trip.
and i really miss the times that we spent there.
cause now she's working.
and yes. things are going to change a little.
not forgetting. bro , dee and pts came to pick me up.
=))
i'd upload the pics the next time.

loves to all.

kaaye\.

- all the things we have done.

splintered masks.

2007-03-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

that's banana and i. while waiting for my sister's ptc meeting on friday.

=

yup yup. i went back to sch again. stc people. stc. went to go get my sister's report card and then headed back down town with banana. went to creme bristro ; banana was teaching my sister maths. and i sat there in the biggest daze ever ... cause ... maths and me ain't good buddies. then went for a fantastic steak dinner. sister went home ... went to watch TMNT !!! ha ha.

those were like my childhood favourites. oh man. i loved it as much still as ever !!! i think i am going to get the toys. buah ha ha. i love them. ralph is as irritating as ever. and micheal is as dumb and irritating. buah ha ha. then headed home. banana stayed for a bit then left not long after. - that was for friday.

SATURDAY !!! i met esther. we baked cupcakes. buah ha ha. =)) it turned out pretty well ... baked them for the kids. ha ha. then ... banana came. drank. had dinner at home. heded to 95. stayed there for a bit. then headed to mos.

okay ... so the night wasn't really good. we were arguing like there was no tomorrow. frankly ... its all okay now. but ... but but ... she was throwing a bitch fit so much ... i wanted to take off. ... so so so badly ... but my legs didn't move a muscle. i hated that feeling. NO. the thought of breaking off didn't occur. BUT ... i keep asking myself why ... WHY DIDN'T I TAKE OFF.

got home at 7 am. and ... woke up at 1045am. matthew's birthday. and like ... i had to be there. met banana at gram's. but her bag down. headed to hougang. i was having a fucking moody morning. had lunch. dazed around. had cake. went home. HAD A NAP WITH BANANA !!! then went to river valley and cold storage. went to get snacks. FOR TOMORROW !!!

I AM GOING TO LEAVE FOR KL TOMORROW MORNING.
trust me.
i'd be missing you guys.
=))

kaaye\.

- its all said and done ;
but i'm still living in the past.

rules to my life.

2007-03-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

there are 5 rules to my life.
how many do you have ?
these 5 keep me from going too much into insanity.
they keep me a little above sane.
sane enough to operate by myself.
and yet ;
insane enough to risk everything.

as follows :

1. love all ; serve all. be false to none. [fuck ethics ; when needed.]
2. play as much as you want with your 'partner' ; but not with emotions.
3. love your friends and cherish them at all times.
4. love your family more then they are worth.
5. listen and appreciate music ; in every mood possible.

first rule's the most important. when you love everyone. creates less conflicts. reduces stress ; eye bags ; wrinkles ... etc. etc. the lists carries on and on. and when decisions need to be made. fuck ethics. ha ha. =))

i love the second rule. my dad actually said that ... ' not everyone can smoke reds. only an elite few can.' same goes with players. cause only a few survive in playing a fool with the girl or guy that the person has attracted. NOT EVERYONE SURVIVES. only an elite few can carry on living life ; like such. i never complained much about my singlehood or that the one that i really want never came back.

it was fun being a player. to be labled as one ... is already 'something' to some people. but at the end of the day ... the player is the loneliest person on the face of this earth. from experience ; the glitx and glamour of being one is not as good as it seems. when the day turns to night. and there is no human warmth next to you , you'd get to know the feeling. and only dread it all too well.

friends are the most important things. they are your chosen family. even though sometimes it might be hard not to backstab them when the going gets tough. but ... its not about the quantity of friends. not the 'i have ALOT of friends' ... but more of ... how many good close friends do you really really have. some are just surface. and shouldn't be called friends. accquantiances is a much better word to use ; in that case.

family ; needless to say. blood is thicker then water. no matter how much you hate to love them. or hate them for some wierd or irritating things that they do. they are the ones that will love you and cherish you more then anyone of the face of this earth would.

i love music. i don'tknow about you. it keeps me sane. and ... its the best thing. the one above created. a song for every occassion. for an example ... when i am all so emotional and sad and everything ... i never want to hear 'CHASING CARS' cause it just makes you worse. or when i am in a happy mood i like to hear RETRO !!! you can't go wrong with them.

i don't know about you.
do you have rules to life ???

kaaye\.

- nothing more then to hear you sing.
baby girl you make me sing.

2007-03-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

i wanna grow old with you.
i want to die lying in your arms.
i want to grow old with you.
i want to be looking into your eyes.
i want to be there for you.
sharing everything you do.
i want to grow old with you.

a thoughtsand miles between us now.
it causes me to wonder how.
our love tonight.
remains so strong.
it makes our risks ...
right all along.
the time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger.
but it hurts so bad i can't take it any longer.
i want to grow old with you.

I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU.

=

here i am eating my favoutire redcurrant puffs from marks and spencer ; and i can't help but ponder. where would everyone be in like 5 years time ??? have you thought about it. as in seriously ; sat down and thought about what and where this life of yours would lead you. depending on the mediocre or major choices that you make at this very tempreamental state in your life.

let's see. i hope to see ... wenny aka bro. i want to see her landing a very stable and good paying job. along with dee aka my little chilli padi. and i hope that they get the jobs that people are kinda vying for with very very good payouts of course. and not to mention. i hope that we are still in very much contact. with house parties in each of our houses and everything else like that once or twice a month.

i hope wei wei is in the uni studying to be what she realkly wants to be. a pathologist. my dearest xiao ling to be a business guru or something. and esther to be a successful auditor in one of the major companies that ALSO PAYS GOOD. ha ha.

i want to see everyone in that light. rather in that situation.

i want to rank somewhere in the clouds by then. in the navy. and hopefully. i get what i really really want. =)) a small house ; a wife ; 2 dogs ; 2 cars and the closest of friends. that makes me the happiest.

-kaaye\.

- before its too late.
what about now.

2007-03-18T02:12:00.000-07:00

first we run ;
then we laugh till we die.
wehn the night is falling.
you cannot find the light.
you feel like the dreams are dying.
hold tight.
you got the music in you.
don't let go.
you got the music in you.
one dance left.
you're going to pull through.

=

my blog entires have been ... somewhat ... fluctuating and everythign else. but ... yes. whichever it is ... these few days have been like ... sleepless. and erm ... super hectic. to the extent that i can't seem to know what to do next. CAUSE I AM SO FUCKING BUSY FOR SOME WIERD FAT ASS REASON !!! =))

been going out out out. with banana of course !!! ha ha. =)) i am not complaining. got a new bag and lego ; courtesy of banana !!! and then ... i got a new spring field jacket. ... oh i love it. its like light brown. really nice.

change phone.
don't change phone.
I DON'T KNOW.

kaaye\.

- everytime i look into your eyes.
i know you're something so much more.

you know it.

2007-03-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

you know it ;
when everything fals into place so nicely and everything else.
you know.
you know it.
you know that something along those lines ...
something massive ;
is going to take place.

and i am just waiting.
=))
and its going to be something bad.
only bad.

kaaye\.

- beyond your eyes.
what do you really see.

number 2.

2007-03-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

its our day. =)) number 2.

sentosa.

under our little umbrella.

wenny's little creation. =))

the one i can't live without. =))
she makes me all so very very happy.

=

LAO PO aka BANANA.
=))
happy number 2 !!!
we actually made it this far.
and i never want to think of a me and you.
cause i always want an 'us'.

as always ;
my silly banana.
i love you.

kaaye\.

- you make everything so colourful ;
and simple.

hysteria.

2007-03-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

ever felt like you didn't belong.
like some thing some where is so wrong.
and yet you can't say or do anything in your very own defense. cause for some very wierd reason ... you just don't. and you always always wonder why. something's never quite right. ... ever. but you grind your teeth and just sit it through. always. for perculiar reasons. you always wonder why. that's all that ever happens. over and over.

i don't know.
i feel like i don't really belong.
anywhere.

kaaye\.

- with just one touch.

2007-03-09T02:38:00.000-08:00

maturity doesn't come with age.

apparently ... maturity doesn't come with age. or rather some people are just lacking so much of it ... they are then characterized as a term we all commonly use - 'childish'. like back stabbing ; grudge bearing ; tell tale ; two face ; hypocrate subjects out there who still can't get that childishness out of their system. a thing where by ... you need to get out of your system by the time that you are 18. [ given the benefit of doubt.] but ... some people just don't. and in the end ... they become a proclaimed 'bitch' of some sort.

oh yes. some people just can't get it through their thick skull that ... there is a need to be mature about certian things that had happened in the past that needs to be long forgotten and well ... forgotten. then again ... i can't really bother about subjects like such ... they just take my brain space. [ of which ... its said that i am a little lacking of. ]

=

i went to herstory last night. it was great. cept for a few parts where by i kinda almost lost my top. but whichever the entire thing is ... i had a great time. alot of alcohol ; which never got me high or drunk. then there was ... alot of great company !!! =)) though it could get better. but ... yeah. as long as banana is there along with dee and a few of the rest ... the night is good as it is already. but ... there were so many more people !!! ha ha. music wasn't too bad either. oh yeah ...

it was actually a pretty good ... night. =)) then woke up at a god forbbiden timing of 10. cause ... banana wanted breakfast !!! ha ha. lol. whichever ... after which we headed to the IT SHOW AT SUNTEC !!!

whichever it is !!! i got myself a external hard drive. a seagate one. and also a thumb drive for my grammy. its freaking cheap at the IT fair. oh man !!! ha ah. but then it was so crowded. banana was going nuts cause ... computers and her don't exactly quite fit. ha ha. which then again ... makes her so freaking cute !!! =)) ha ha.

kaaye\.

- there in your still eyes ;
lies something so much more.

finally a feature.

2007-03-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

my goodness people.
i woke up to a very good surprise.
they are finally featuring ... GID on MIND YOUR BODY !!! this section of the daily enwspapers. like oh my goodness. are they even allowed to do they like ... in public and be so open about the entire matter ?? oh man. whichever it is ... it gave a pretty good article on the entire thing. like ... i don't know. its still wierd when people refer to me as a female-male.

but whichever it is ... i don't think that it is that bad now.
i kinda gotten used to it. somehow.
it'd only get better i guess.
but whichever ... go read the article. its pretty good.

kaaye\.

- not like anyone would understand.
but yes.

to only you.

2007-03-06T08:12:00.001-08:00

i don't know. but ... i feel so lucky to have her in my very dark life. maybe its just me. i don't know. i can't stop thinking or looking at her every single time that i am with her. she's like some happy pill or some drug that has no side effects or no price tag. its something that neither you or i can just with money that we have in our banks. its something so much more and i ... and i am very very thankful for that.

its so queer. i can still remmeber ... it was all a mistake to start the entire relationship out with. it felt so special. and it still does. amazingly. it still does have that spark. everytime i look into her eyes .. i feel so damn fucking happy for some wierd reason. no matter how bad we argue ; no matter how much pain i might have caused her - unknowingly ; no matter how much time we don't spend together. i am still that fucking happy.

its just amazing.

=

went out with my banana today !!! cause dearest secretary was sick with stupid cramps. i hate mens. they cock up everything !! argh !!! anyways ... we still had alot of fun. picked her up from her gym. [ for once i was actually on time. heh heh. ] can you imagine that !!! ha ha. LOL. whichever. we went to watch ... 'the pursuit of happyness'. its not a bad show. pretty interesting actually.

then we went to ... drink at indo chine. the one at wisma. then ... went to ... have dinner at crystal jade. oh man ... the porridge still tastes as good as ever !!! =)) ha ha. then went back home. i tell you. i hate my low blood pressure. i almost died in the bus. but then ... never mind that. i tell you ... i wanted to kill myself. my tian.

anyways ... i am staying over at my tiong house tonight. too lazy to head home.
oh ... and i got my bus tickets to KL yesterday !!! woo wee ... =)) my banana and i are going for our first holiday together. not to mention , my first holiday not with any family memebers or adults and also the first one with my girl friend !!! ha ha.
I CAN'T WAIT !!!
=))
i am a happy piece fo shit.

kaaye\.

- when the odds add up ;
to so much much more.

what do you know.

2007-03-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

大雨过后的眼泪
挂在充满回忆的橱窗
我却不想忘以往
那些心碎的心创

记忆是一个行囊
陪伴着我到世界流浪
我让悲伤都装上翅膀
再见了就不能倔强

该忘了你对不对
怕自己无法面对
无怨无悔
把一切留给纪念
受过沉默的创伤
它会慢慢被岁月
一片片填满
渐渐就习惯不再想
忘记曾经最痛的地方

该忘了你对不对
我应该坚强面对
学会遗忘
不能像爱的挣扎
记忆会为我收藏
那些美丽时光
为爱付出过的力量
带着爱去寻找
幸福的希望

=

there are somethings i can't say.
its called responsibility.

kaaye\.

- you just want to lie awake ;
and forgo the world.

a life that is so demanding.

2007-03-04T02:50:00.000-08:00

i am so lost without you.
i can't seem to think right.
i don't like knowing that i don't know. that i don't know what is going on. cause baby i love you so. and i don't want you to ever leave me under. where are you. i miss you so. honey ... what am i to say , when you tell me you need and want so much more.

what am i to say.

tell me.
what am i to say.
what am i to do.
when everything i have done and given ;
is all i have left.

kaaye\.

- heading down.

that is the question.

2007-03-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

i don't expect anything much in this life time. i want to leave this world so much ... as quietly as i can. but i can't.
i have a million and one obligations.
i have a million and two people to answer to.
i hate this feeling. everything is breaking into a million little pieces and i can't do anything to sew them back together. cause they can't be.

i don't know what to say anymore.
i have always been here.
and its eating me alive.

the best part of it all : you don't even know when it started.
and you'd never know when it'd end.

kaaye\.

- in life and death.
we are alone ; everyone.

baffled.

2007-02-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

i know ..
that i can't make you stay.
but where is your heart.
but where is your heart.
but where is your.
and i know.
there is nothing i can say.

to change that part.
to change that part.
to change.
so many bright lights to cast a shadow.
but can i speak.
is it hard udnerstanding.
that i am incomplete.
a life that is so demanding.
i get so weak.

=

oh my goodness. please listen to ; my chemical romance. they have a new song called ... 'famour last words'. its damn nice please. GO GO GO LISTEN TO IT !!! =)) anyways right ... bye bye to batam. cause of navy.

they are so inefficient and everything. omfg. i am so damn bloody irritated. but then again ... i think i should shut up. before the mp's come after my blog or something along those lines. i don't know la. whichever ... i have enuff to bother about. its driving me nuts. and i am under pressure. I SWEAR. i am going to break soon enough.

oh my mother fucking god.
please help me.

kaaye\.

- i like it when you call.

what more.

2007-02-26T07:17:00.000-08:00

there is nothing more i can say.
its the 26th.
oh yes.
its been a month since wayne said good bye.
i can't forget that face that he gave me on the table when i was at the vet. i can still recall the phone call i got from mount plesant. 'excuse me , are you miss kaye ??? could you please come down. cause wayne has taken a turn for the worse.' tears rolled down my cheeks like tomorrow never stood in the way.

he was on the table. all so skinny and wired up with tubes and a breathing mask. i can't forget that look in his eyes. when everything in the world fell in front of me , it didn't make much a difference. he was tearing. if you were there , you would have seen it yourself. he was crying too. tear by tear. the nurse was trying to find his nerve , but to no avail. he was too dehydrated to get anything done.

i was crying. xiao ling and wei wei came. wayne didn't stop trying to make me not cry. he gave his last burst of energy to tilt his head up to mine , to nudge me. to try tell me not to cry. that everything was going to be alright. HOW CAN EVERYTHING BE ALRIGHT. when he's obviously dying right before my eyes.

i miss wayne.
alot in fact.

kaaye\.

- daddy misses you.

2007-02-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

说不上为什么.
我变得很主动.
若爱上一个人.
什么都会值得去做.
我想大声宣布对你.
依依不舍连隔壁邻居.
都猜到我现在的感受.

=

yesterday was one of the best days of my life. =)) for many many good reasons. banana came over in the afternoon and spent most of the day here. then ... she went off ; i had a good afternoon nappy. went to watch 'just follow law' with my family. THEN GUESS WHAT !!! banana came along too !!!

such a plesant surprise i tell you. =)) couldn't make me any happier i swear. and apparently ... my entire family knows. EXCEPT ME. how convinient !!! but ... who cares. it makes me even happy now. thinking about it. oh man !!!

headed to meet xiao ling and her friends after the movie. then ... yeah. went drinking at 95. shit balls. i had like ... 1 lychee martini ; 2 sour apple ; 1 mug of mix ; 2 sex on the beach ; somemore mix here and there. like wtf !!! and i wasn't the least bit high.

BANANA CAME DOWN AGAIN !!! no i am not complaining. i am; i don't know. maybe this is why i say that yesterday was one of my best days. she came down. =)) went for supper and she sent me back.

seriously.
what more can i ask for in life.
=))
i am off to bake cupcakes for her !!!

kaaye\.

- if everyday was like that ;
i'd be the happiest kid on earth.

2007-02-24T02:06:00.000-08:00

I like where we are,
When we drive, in your car.
I like where we are ... Here.
Cause our lips, can touch.
And our cheeks, can brush.
Our lips can touch here.

Where you are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whisper's "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly".
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there's no place else I could be ,
But here in your arms.

=

you know when you're in love when ...

- your heart skips a beat when you're with the person.
- you long to see the person ; again.
- you miss the person so much ; just after 1 second of leaving them.
- you think of the person more then yourself.
- you wonder when you're going to see the person again.
- you constantly can't stop smsing or calling the person.
- you worry like fuck when the person doesn't reply after some time.
- you go nuts when the person gets upset.
- you are hyper sensitive to the person's feelings.
- you hurt when the other person hurts.
- you can't stop thinking of us. instead of me or you.
- you think 'its going to be long and good'.
- you do stupid things just to make the other party smile.
- you try things you have never tried.

okay. so the list goes on. i don't know about you. but i think love is something everyone is searching for but not everyone happens to find it at the right place and / or the right time. its difficult.

its like a match stick. not every match stick in the box you have will burn till the end. some stop half way. some can't even get lighted and in the process ; break. even before it getting lighted. some of the match sticks burn brightly then dim a little them burn brightly all over again. some burn dimmly then sloly it gets brighter. some just don't get lighted at all.

doesn't mean the brand of the match sticks are good ; the match sticks will light up. neither does it mean that , the match stick will be assured that it would burn till the end. interesting note to all this is that ... not everything is comfirmed.

=

i think i can be some what called pretty blessed. or somewhat 'saved' in a very queer manner. cause , its like ... i don't know how am i going to explain this but ... everytime i see her. i feel happy. not that i am happy that i am with her.

NOT only that. but more of ... i don't know. i know that somehow she will be there when i need her. and that she means what she says instead of breaking the promises once they are made. she gives me that assurance that its real and ... the sense of doubt shouldn't even dawn upon me to begin with.

i don't know.
maybe she's a good liar.
or ... i am gullible.
but ... i don't think its either one of the options.
i really like her.

having a 'good' reputation like mine isn't good when it comes to something serious. it gets in the way ... and well ... its just not good.

I LOVE MY BANANA !!! =))

kaaye\.

- before the water in the well dries up ;
i don't want to miss another boat.

why does history have to repeat.

2007-02-22T04:35:00.000-08:00

you know. i can still remember the day that i first cried my eyes out so hard for my girlfriend. not too long ago. around ... 2 years back ? or something along those lines. reason to which : her family found out that she wasn't like normal girls. she didn't like guys like normal girls did. she preferred girls. not as friends. but of something of a higher level.

oh ... i can still remember that day. when i cried so hard. i didn't know how to stop. every single thought of her lead me to more tears after tears.

its not so hard to imagine. but yes , it was the first time i cried for someone. i was on the verge of loosing her in a fashion i didn't expect come hit me. it was my first time. my very first time feeling someone's grip slowly slipping away. that feeling , is horrid. its beyond anything that i had ever experienced or ever will.

that feeling till now , for me. its worse then heart break. its worse then breaking up. its the forcefulness. its the ... unwillingness of both parties who don't want to let go. who still love each other but are being torn apart ; relationship tested in ways the heart has no say to. i frankly ; hate and abhor that feeling so much ... i try to bury it. but it resurfaces everytime something of such happens.

=

oh ... just like clock work. the whole history is repeating itself. no i am not complaining why i have to be in such shit. but more of ... i don't think what is happening now is fair for anyone. i don't know.

i don't like my relationship getting tested. i don't like it. i don't like having to pounce on every single reply. cause you don't know when the next one is going to come. i don't like having of thinking of living alone. no ... i don't.

but , there is nothing i can do.

kaaye\.

- why do we push love away.

update

2007-02-22T03:07:00.000-08:00

chee na new year was great. full of cock i tell you. the aunt's telling and asking you the same thing over and over again. every single year ... they don't come up with any new questions or anything of that sort. but they do change one thing. ONE THING. their colour of make up. ha ha. that is about it. =)) i am just joking.

chee na new year wasn't that bad. the weather was pretty ... okay. and well ... food was okay. money from the sky was the best !!! woo wee ... and well ... i still got to spend time with my banana !!! buah ha ha.

oh yes ... I MISS EVERYONE.
where are you guys.
... god damned it.

kaaye\.

- when everything lies in your hands ;
you start to wonder.
HOW.

what do i care.

2007-02-17T05:48:00.000-08:00

all those nights that we kissed ,
are the nights that i missed.
holding your hands as your man for sure.
we were young but secure.
what we had was so pure.
innocence ever since we spoke.
why do we fall in love ;
when only love will tear us apart.

=

when there is a start. there is always an end.
when there is an once ; there is always a twice.
when there is an occassion ; there will always be more.
when there is a coincidence ; there is always a mistake.

end of the story is that. everything you do ... there is a cause and effect. nothing comes for free. nothing is what it seems to be. cause everything is about being on a tight rope. balancing is the key to getting it to stay the same. and if you slip , you pay the consequence. in what ever way seems to be appropriate.

example : if i loose a game in poker.
i either loose money or a dare or to drink.

same thing.
nothing's forever.

happy cny everyone.
have a great and happy one.
filled with love and ANG PAOS !!!

kaaye\.

- before it disappears.
i am going to be gone.

oh ...

2007-02-15T06:16:00.000-08:00

oh ... what life brings.
i am sick.
with a leaky nose and erm ... something else.
its going crazy. my nose refuses to stop its unending rampage on ME !!! and i am going mad mad mad ... oh man. its crazy. and i can't stop it. its not stopping even when i blow every single thing out of it. damn.

valentine's day was pretty ... messy.
met , wei , ling and nana on v'dae !!! in the afternoon that is. oh man. i tell you ... its such a v'dae tradition. we sat at the exact same table as that of last year's. its so cool. whichever man ... i missed those times. alot. those times when we were so damn close and all the nonsense that came along with it. not to mention ... the kbox !!!

talking about kbox. we went to party world. =)) 4 hours of singing. and laughing and camera whoring !!! woo wee ... whichever. i endjoyed myself with them. ALOT.

met the gf after that. we were supposed to go to novus. but then ... I DON'T EAT MORE THEN HALF THE STUFF THEY HAVE ON THEIR MENU. ... TRUST ME. i don't. not like i wanted to be like ... irritating. BUT I DON'T. i don't eat pork ; i don't eat foie gras ; i don't eat veal. so ... we walked out.

not to mention ... i wasn't informed.

then ... went to ... chijmes in the end. saw a couple getting into a fight. i know we are busy bodies. but then ... its pretty interesting. this pair of les were out. then this guy just came up to the femme and gave her a v'dae present. cool eh !!!??? obviously they fought. heh heh. =)) so ... interesting.

headed to devil's then to zouk. chris , pui cheng , ade , ryan , pat and many many more were there. and er ... RYAN !!! she got drunk. guess who had to look after her. oh man. ... but whichever. i am just glad that she is safe and everything and not sleeping by the road side or something along those lines.

it was a pretty fun night.
=))

kaaye\.

- green boxers and eggs.

breaking point.

2007-02-13T06:07:00.000-08:00

no body said it was going to be easy.
its such a shame for us to part.
no body said it was easy.
no one ever said it would be this hard.
i'd take it back to the start.

i was just guessing numbers and figures.
pulling the puzzles apart.
question of science.
science in progress.
speaking as loud as my heart.
tell me you love me.

come back and haunt me.
oh what a rush to the start.
running in circles ;
chasing tales.
coming back as we are.

=

let the emo king him get all emo. AS USUAL. i went running. and trust me there are alot of things in my head. and i can't stop them from flooding my head all so badly. its irritaing me and i can't do anything about it. for one ... i am useless and obviously incompetent of anything emotional. trust me ... when i say i am incompetent don't tell me that i am competent of something so much more that i don't even know about. really. don't tell me all that crap.

oh my goodness.
i am on the verge of breaking down very very badly.
where is the light man !!!
i can't fucking see it anymore !!!
ARGH. trust me i am very very irritated. i don't know why. wenny and jenny and denyse !!! where are you guys ??? we need to meet up before i go cynical all over again and die this time around.

i am going to eat my medicine and sleep.

bye bye.
chee bais.

kaaye\.

- its crazy ;
and i am going to go nuts.

its the first.

2007-02-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

happy number one !!!
=))
its the 12th.
the 12th !!!
i love my banana.

toot toot.

kaaye\.

- a light shining brighter then before ;
your words ever so pure.

between the fine lines.

2007-02-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

our very first pic. =))
my banana and the monkey !!!

=

now that its all said and done.
i can't believe that you are the one.
to build me up and tear me down.
like an old abandoned house.
what you said when you left.
just left me cold and out of breathe.
i fell a those ways too deep.
i guess i let you get the best of me.

well ... i never saw it coming.
i should have saw it running.
a long long time ago.
and i never thought i doubt you.
i thought i would be better without you.
more then you.
more then you.
more then you know.

=

its irritating. i didn't get my maths paper one properly done again. AGAIN. its irritating the fuck out of me. i can't take it. i can't !!! oh my fucking mother fucking cunting christ. i got a D7. and i have to retake the whole fucking exam AGAIN. this year. its going to be my last chance. ... and i sure as hell hate to even think about it.

this is so fucking irritating.
i can't put it into words.

next week starting from tomorrow. its going to be a roller coaster ride. monday ... which is tomorrow. will be the last week of school for me. then there is my first anniversary. OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT. then ... tuesday i got to help my grams clean the house and floor.

wednesday is valentine's day. thursday ... i have no idea ; just yet. friday ... seems like i have to go down to chee na town , go tanning with my sister and watch matthew at his little concert in school. saturday will be ... reunion dinner. sunday would be chee na new year already. another year. another chance at redemption.

to god be the glory.
i need all the help and redemption i can possibly get.
karma's not helping.

kaaye\.

- i wonder ;
what i'd turn out if not for you.

ANNIVERSARY !!!

2007-02-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

buah ha ha.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO WEI WEI !!!
happy 2nd year.
=))
after so long ...
we're still so close.
ha ha.
whoever said changing of class would cause us to drift.
wee ...

kaaye\.

- talk about life.
friends are important.

tell me.

2007-02-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

i am actually thinking of how to convey the emotions into actions. or into words for that very matter. i can't put into words properly on how it really is. let's put this in for starters. i have 3 issues; in my not so bright brain.

1 - my friends ; they don't seem very supportive in my relationship. or at least it seems like it.
2 - my family ; i rather not talk about it.
3 - someone / thing else. its going to eat me out soon.

i still remember vaguely the day that i told myself ... 'patience kaye ; in time to come ... you'd get someone. just like every other happy soul there is on earth'. sure enough , patience made its way and WALA ... i got someone. its wierd that i actually got someone this nice. just when i thought the world was filled with only ... souls that shouldn't exist , since they are so bad.

my family ... i rather not talk about it.

someone. this someone or something. ITS GOING TO KILL ME !!! argh. ask and i will tell. bloody hell ... argh !!!

kaaye\.

- what is the world to do when everything ;
turns grey.

supermassive.

2007-02-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

nothing's ever the same.
always remember ;
nothing will ever be the same once its once.
everything changes.
everything can't stand stagnant.

remember kaye.
everything changes.

kaaye\.

- so what now.

need you so.

2007-02-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

there is nothing in this world i can do.
until you're back here baby.
miss you ;
want you.
need you so.
are you thinking of me.
caus ei am thinking fo you.
and i wonder ;
are you ever coing back into my life.

=

i feel wierd.
there are something i can't let go off.
they affect me.
all so much.
then i am left wondering ;
WHY BOTHER.

kaaye\.

- rain rain go away ;
you're the only thing i can ever do.

valentine's lunchy

2007-02-04T22:25:00.000-08:00

the place we went to.
some jap ; western thingy.
=))

ling and her eggs.

wei wei and her pigs.

me and my cow.
PS - its so small la.

the key's uber nice please.

=

VALENTINE'S LUNCHY !!!!
with girlfriends ; wei and ling.
=))

we went to this japanese ; western thingy at like bugis. and like its uberly nice. cause the ambience is uber nice. and like the food is in huge portions. GUESS WHO'S THE ONE EATING MOST OF EVERYTHING. expect for pork that is. =))

oh ... and not to mention right ... we went shopping. lingy had gotten 2 tops. i got something for silly gf. and wei ... i can't remember what she bought. BLOODY HELL I NEED TO GO FIND PANTS FOR CHEE NA NEW YEAR.

yes yes.

I MISS WEI ; DEE AND STUPID JING JONG !!!

kaaye\.

- into what you deem right ;
but into everything you see wrong.
i'm there.

walk the line.

2007-02-04T01:59:00.000-08:00

because you are mine ;
i walk the line.
i find it very very easy to be true.
i find myself alone ,
when each day is through.
beause you are mine ;
i walk the line.
the night is dark and the day is light.
i keep you warm both day and night.

=

those eyes that never shed a tear. its not like you would know how much terror i am living with. its become my soulmate. its become something i can't live without and i can't live with. its come to a point where by i think i give up. i don't like arguing. i don't like being in this state.

what makes you think that :

- i like to cut myself.
- i like to have to stop myself from doing things.
- i like to see people cry for me.
- i like to take pills to stay sane.
- i like to smoke.
- i like to drink.
- i like to make people worry.
- i like to stay like this.
- i like to go to my shrink.
- i like to go into one of my many crazy fits.
- i like to go insane.
- i like to be 'like this'.

you think i like to be like this. which part of me is so difficult to understand. am i doing everything wrong. am i doing everything all so wrong that you can't even bare to turn your eyes on me. that one look at me would hit you so bad that you would die , for even trying to do so. i don't understand it. is it so hard to make it a point to say hi and everything else.

its so hard to be alive and not be wanted.
correction : wanted by your own father.
i am in this little fight since i was young. what people don't understand ; behind all my smiles and everything my family 'so -called' gives ... do they know the tears and the cries that line each and every smile and laughter. no ; relationship problems are not the worst that can happen to one's life. ITS FAMILY PROBLEMS. everything you do ; everything you see ; everything that you thought you knew ; everything is just but a mere lie.

no one can imagine.
no one can even come close to thinking and feeling what i am feeling and thinking now. cause no one would be able to understand. i have to keep sane for the sake of those who i hold close to my heart.

my mother asked me ; 'why do you treat your friends and you take them more seriously than that of your own family'.
i have but one answer ... 'when i needed anyone to hold me before i fall down ; where you there??'

kaaye\.

- enough of this world ;
laughing behind my back ,
and grinding there teeth.

unfair judgement.

2007-01-31T22:22:00.000-08:00

something's been happening at starbucks. yes. the one at harbour. politics are taking over. and everyone is getting out of hand. everyone is going over each other's head. and no one's stopping it. and even if they do , it doesn't get settled the way it should be. i don't know if i have the right to say this. but , people are seeing things in the wrong light.

periodically i would go back to starbucks , just to poke my head in to see who is working and what nots. to hear about their lives so that i don't kinda ... 'loose touch'. with those friends that i have made over there. managers are no more respected. baristas are climbing all over the place. i am not saying ALL. but i am saying ... a hand full are taking things for granted. which of course ... is not right and everyone shouldn't get this kinda unfair judgement.

people are generally nice. just don't get into their bad books. but just cause you are in their bad books doesn't mean that you'd actually stay there for eternity. there's always redemption. make it known that you are worth. and change their mind set.

i just don't get it.
she's generally a very nice person. she doesn't deserve such crap from people. really she doesn't. she might be bias. but she'd treat you nice if you do the same for her. i know that much.

=

sorry doesn't help.
not the least bit.

kaaye\.

- those smiles.
what were they.

everyone.

2007-01-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

i don't know about you. but for me , i realise that each and every person in my life has taught me something. something very important that books don't state and lab practical sessions won't give. each and every single person i know ; major or little has influenced me SOMEHOW. in one way or another.

lets start with the basics of my life.
- my very disfunctional family.
my dad ; my mum ; my grand parents ; my sister ; my aunt.

my dad and mum.
to me. they are important ; yes. but then again on another hand. what they taught me was ; betrayal between you and your loved one is and was 'normal'. that its perfectly fine to do so. that cheating people or conning your own flesh and blood for money was acceptable. that , its okay if i squander money over stupid things. cause somehow i can get money to cover the bills ; keep the roof over our heads ; put food on our table.

they taught me , how ugly the world can be. with all the 2 faced people. who backstabb you. but they are the exact same people that tell you ; they love you.

my grandparents.
without which , i think that i would have turned out to be a rotten grape even before i was set to grow. my early years were with my grandparents. weekday and week ends on long were spent with them. like it or not they were always there. to attend to my little needs or wants to the best of their abilities. they taught me manners. they taught me integrity. they taught me how to protect myself against people like my parents who might be more brutal out there.

my sister.
she taught me to smile it off. to take things with more then just a pinch of salt. to just smile it off. bad or good. smile it off. a new day will come and it would be better. she taught me to be positive. which i haven't really gotten to. just yet.

my aunt.
she taught me table manners. how to behave. and to think and not be santa claus to my parents. something small might be small , but it might be worth more then just that. to put family first , morals and ethics held firm no matter what problems we might face.

=

secondly ; the family i choose.
- my friends.
stc ; ting tong's ; etc.

wenny.
she taught me to make sure what i was doing had its worth. in gold or what so ever. she taught me to be MORE responsible ; rationale ; resistive. cause i am a twit. she taught me to be strong when ever the going gets tough. that friends stick by each other.

denyse.
she taught me. life is not a bed of roses. but who says we have to live by that. rules are meant to be broken. she also taught me to spend wisely. and to SAVE MONEY !!! cause i know ... i don't.

jenny.
she taught me how not to be affected by things around you. let things go and most probably they will suffice and work out fine. somehow. they always will. to be happy go lucky and everything will fall into place. FOR SURE.

ling and wei.
oh ... these 2 were there when i first cried so damn badly in class. when wayne passed. when ... well ... when everything happened. ungalm and all. they were there. these 2 made me realise that friends are as important as life in itself. that friends can be trusted. that i can count on them in case of anything that might happen.

that only through understanding the problem and hitting our heads on brick walls ; knowing the pain would we understand what we can and what we cannot do.

esther.
she taught me HOW TO BE AUNTY. how to always think of the kids that see you as everything that you think you are not. that ... when i go running. i can meet her and gossip and end up crying or what so ever , and feel better. that gossiping can really heal people.

=

everyone has taught me something.
everyone who's important in my life.

how about you.

kaaye\.

- to the things we never understand ;
is there the need.

blog.

2007-01-27T22:33:00.000-08:00

so ... yes. i am sick. rather ... i was sick. which is utterly irritating. i have gastric ; stomach flu and fever. cool bananas eh !? fuck getting sick. it feels like crap and it makes you want to sleep and never wake up. after eating the medicine you feel like you are on cloud nine. which would then in turn make you feel like you want to fuck every single person alive in front of you. IMAGINE THAT !!!

ARGH.
i hate being sick.

whichever it was. i actually kinda thank god i got a girlfriend. who doubles up as ... my aunty ; my mother ; my grand mother ; my nurse ; my girlfriend ; my gurdian ; my caretaker ; and the list goes on. i am so dead serious. whichever ... i am not exactly complaining. =))

went to watch sinone's wedding. not bad really. then ... went to spin's. grabbed a drink. went to see the doctor's. who was so bloody rough.i tell you ... she was practically stripping me. I AM NOT INTO SM. and she was busy poking my tummy. thanks all so much man. really.

DAMN.

i am going to read my papers now.
BUAH BYE.
nahbeicheebai's.

kaaye\.

- i am vulgar ;
impulsive and sick.

beyond those words you might say.

2007-01-25T07:33:00.001-08:00

HAPPY B'DAE WENNY !!!
i love you like no tomorrow.
and you know i will always be here for you.
rain or shine.
summer or monsoon.
i'd always be here.
3/4 americano and latte.
=))
my leng loei. leng zai loves you.

=

beyond those very words you might say.
underneath your beautiful eyes they stay.
comes something so surreal ;
the reality sickens the very sight.
sometimes you wonder ; have you done the right thing. than on second thoughts , something reassures that very something. then you think ... 'hey , everything is perfect.' but is it really perfect ? is it really that clean , with all the sharp clean edges and everything that you think you have or actually see. or is it the satin curtain ; the one that covers each and everyone of our scars like brand new.

how every single time you think of the person a smile emerges ; but yet something is holding you back. you don't even know what. something is missing and you don't know what is. something is turning. BUT YOU DON'T even KNOW. you don't know. which is what makes everything a little more complicated with every single step you take.

something's missing.

you know your mood's going crazy. you wonder what it is. then ... figures that 'hey , fuck it. leave it alone. i think its better if i don't think at all.' which is HALF RIGHT. but ... entirely WRONG. its going to mould into something so big ; you wonder where the fuck it ever started. PROCRASTINATION WILL GET NOONE ANYWHERE.

are you doing the right thing.
have you made the right choice.
no one has the right to say , yes ; no.
only you.

kaaye\.

- when you feel empty ;
you know you're whole.

pia pia pia.

2007-01-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

i am left with like 3 weeks before like school ends. and i am so fucking can't wait for it. oh man. the body muscles are working overdrive and they are getting so bloody lazy i tell you ... i am going to class late every single day. not that i am very proud of it. or what so ever. i just ... I DON'T KNOW !!! argh !!!

HATE SCHOOL.
such a fucking drag.

anyways ... as i was saying ... i have to freaking hell pia the last few days. PRESERVERE !!!
ha ha.

=))

went to vivo. before that. in the morning i had someone scream into the phone. just to wake me up. thankyouveryverymuch. NEVER MIND. made my arse down to tampiness. then headed to chinatown with her. HAD DIM SUM !!! wee ... and as usual.

the food was not finished. what is new man !!! headed to vivo. walked around. watched 'the illusionist'. not bad actually. then er ... we got new slippers !!! ha ha. NEW SLIPPERS !!! from rip curl. we got white ones.

headed for dinner at this german place. at vivo. not bad. just that ... everything is so bloody salty. beer was good though. headed home.

and we watched happy feet. in the middle ; we were either talking ... taking pics or ... she's just playing with her self and the digital. oh man.

morale of the story : never give a woman. a digital. you're just asking for it.

kaaye\.

- so when love finally hits ;
how do things go.

do we know. what we see.

2007-01-20T23:05:00.000-08:00

question : do we know what we see.

answer : NO.

reason to which i say this is very very simple.
people don't cherish what they have. people always tend to want something more. something 'better'. so as to what they might have claim for. they always want something 'better'. realised the inverted commers i am using here. whichever it is right ... people are such.

i am.
and i bet so are you.

maybe its just me. i don't know. but they don't.
think about it.
you want more money ; a better life ; more freedom ; more friends ; more love ; more ; more more. MORE OF EVERYTHING. but why don't we see what we have in front of us. like ... be contented or something. like ... why do we always want something more in everything. or something 'better'.

i don't know.
but.
i am contented with my life as of now.
i have friends ; who are all jack arses in their own right. but are my best bet when i need anyone. no matter what the weather might be. i love them all.
i have a gf ; who's on the same frequency as me. i really think i actually am loving someone. after such a freaking long time.
i have grand parents ; who fatten me up like a damn pig.
i have a 'life' ; clubbing ; drinking and a good mannered liver.
=))

people should be contented.
really.
think.

kaaye\.

- beyond those lines ;
you're the one for me.

2007-01-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

so we all thought this day would never come.

wenny's birthday is coming and i am not thinking of even giving her a slacky birthday. this will be a good birthday party. one that i hope she will NOT FORGET. cause yes. SHE WILL NOT FORGET. and secondly ... i hope she loves the presents that she is going to get.

dude : this is not JUST ANOTHER BIRTHDAY. cause this time ... KAYE'S IN CHARGE !!! which means ... its not something to be very ... slack-ish about. not like you don't know. i love this kinda things. makes me happy planning. heh heh. =))

=

secondly ; whoever knew i would fall back in love.
or even sense its humble innocence again.
maybe.
just maybe. this one will bear fruit.
i'm tired.

kaaye\.

- with each question came an answer ;
i can't handle.

oh ... we talk about not blogging for a million years.

2007-01-15T08:16:00.000-08:00

okay ... its been a million years since i blogged. or so it seemed. i am busy. with everyting this fucking world has to order , from messy business to school ... to get drunk ... to getting actually everything in this world. short and sharp.

i have a problem today.

i hate people who cannot express themselves in good english for some stupid reason or another ... i just cannot get that done up and everything. its just so wierd. I HATE PEOPLE WHO CANNOT SPEAK ENGLISH> GOOD ENGLISH !!!

i know i cannot expect from people who are retarded or soemthing. and by the way i wasn't referring to them. i was referring more to like ... normal human beings. -.-''

i shan't argue. or say anything already.

i'm hungry.

kaaye\.

- to those eyes ;
i fall in love.
and to them ;
i loose my self conscience.

oh ... now we say 'this.'.

2007-01-09T20:52:00.000-08:00

okay ... so now we say ... 'this'. i have been pretty much keeping very calm about things i know that should not be kept calm about. because of yada - yada. but then the thing here is that ... what if this thing is being put on a plate and given to you with of course nothing but the best service that money can buy. or so you think la.

than what are you supposed to get done.
you don't have any obligation.
do you ?
i don't even know !!!
i love wenny for saying the obligation thingy.

i am in in deep soup and i jolly well know it. so much for being a swinger. oh man. i am supposed to be good in this kinda situations !!! god damned it.

=

school rocks.
only cause of my ting tong girls and my classmates.
besides that ;
I HATE SCHOOL.
my micro and circuit facs are worse then kopitiam uncles.
seriously.
GOD DAMNED IT.

I GIVE UP !!!

kaaye\.

- the things i want to get done ;
they are very far away.
from reality and so on.

besides the point.

2007-01-06T21:45:00.000-08:00

think think think.
what to blog. what to blog.
i am awake 30 mins before normal time.
i hate it.
damn mother ; came waking me up so that i can head to like city hall with her. oh man. damn it. i hate it. oh ... not to mention , I HAD A WIERD DREAM. a damn wierd one. with wierd characters and all. oh man.

have i ever mentioned that the only fairy tale that i have never finished seeing ; or reading till this date is 'alice in wonderland'. can you believe it ? i have not finished reading or watching that show. cause ... i feel its FREAKY !!! damn it. its scary. you get like a mad hatter and then a disappearing cat ? i think that's enuff to show you my stand.

i am tired.
buah bye.

kaaye\.

- my heros ;
the ones that clean the streets of hearts.
they're gone.

oh man. oh man.

2007-01-05T23:25:00.000-08:00

你的嘴角微微上翘.
性感地无可救药想象不到如此心跳.
你的一切都想要.
预兆气氛微妙.
因为爱你我挣倒.
预兆气氛微妙.
因为爱你我挣倒.

=

today's weather's perfect for the beach. but i rather stay in doors. i just got up at the 'holiday' timing of like ... 1400hrs. =)) woo wee ... come to think about it right ... there is alot of things i have not been saying. not that i don't want to ... but i rather not to. well ... whichever it is. the problems have not been settled.

maybe i should just keep quiet and see how everything falls right in front of my face. or ... should i help. cause whenever i want to help ... it turns against me.
DEE & WENNY.
DON'T OVER DRAMATIZE THIS.
JENNY AND I LOVE YOU GUYS. - ALOT.
and it hurts us to see you guys like this.

it has come a point where by jenny and i have got no idea what the fuck is going on anymore. cause things are either too complicated or too simple to understand. to add on the the whole entire ball game ... elton has not spoken a word. rather ... she is some what involved too. right ? so why is she spared from this little thing we call 'chaos'. its unfair.

everyone has problems ;
its just a matter of how we settle them.
its just a matter of how we do.

my life is taking a turn. for the worst or for the best. i don't know. cause ... CAUSE ... celene is coming back on the 11th. that is why. i only have till the 10th to get things settled. and knowing my very very ... lazy and 'fucker-ing' character , i don't think that i will get it done by then. i am too tired and at the same time ... too lazy and can't be bothered to get things done up.

oh ... we all know.
loving is so easy ; but forgetting is so hard.
so why love.
=))

LING ; NANA ; WEI ; VI.
ling nao hia. ling lao pei come to school for 2 days already still have not even met one.
you think ling lao hia don't miss le nang ar !
nah bei.
PLEASE MEET UP FOR LUNCH BREAK !!!
tia diou boh !?

loves.

kaaye\.

- before that daylight drops into nothingness ;
i want to resurrect.

you got me on my knees.

2007-01-04T03:37:00.000-08:00

so where do i begin.
its short comings already seen.
before it all begins.
i see its end.
for fear of everything so small ;
fragile and breakable.
this little thing we call our hearts.
oh people. let's put it in this very blatant and a little crude manner. love is self fish. it surpasses friendship ; no matter how strong. it took down empires. women help build cities ; but bring down empires. ever heard of this phrase ? a woman was all it took to take down troy. a woman named cleopatra was all it took to bring down alexander's greek empire.

oh sure as hell , i would blame the woman to the best of my capabilities. cause , that is the only thing i know of. to think that women are to blame for this love nonsense that causes your heart to skip 2 beats ; your tummy to go sky high ; your endorphines released like mad shoppers at a sale ; your feet - 2 lefts. its all boils down to this thing we call 'love'.

when those hormones in your body react to a certain person. when they collide with your prevailing brain. and they attack slowly from the back ; to release those 'love' hormones that make you go crazy. then wonder why you went crazy the other moment. its the littlest things that the person does that makes you wonder ; why the fuck do i even like him / her ?!

love make people feel 'whole' , something in between those lines ... people feel so good , they don't want to let things go. its like its platonical. it HAS to happen. you LOVEin. you LOVEout. how they happen is another thing is another thing in total. people either let things be ; let love go ; hold on to a dying love ; not love at all.

love as a whole will not be able to suffice. it will only be LOVE ; if and only if ... you manage to get the jist of the whole situation. where by at the end of the day , no matter how much the person pissed you off ... you forgive and forget the very next minute. or when you are alone ... images of him / her reply in your mind. FRAME BY FRAME. little treasures of their smile locked deep into your memory banks.

there are 2 separate matters occuring at this stage.
both are very very close to home.
one regards the 2 pillars of my life.
the other regards me.

=

the 2 pillars of my life.

i don't know what is going to happen. but i never want to have to be in the center and HAVE to make a choice between anyone of you. because , i love you guys so much. you guys have been there since ... i think i thought. from when i fell down , to the times where by i made girls run around my palm at the command of my fingers.

you guys were there for everything ! christmas ; new year ; valentine's day ; EVERY OTHER DAY. this is how much , you guys play a part in my life. it might be nothing that ... i don't quite show it. but ... everything about which concerns the both of you. i go soft.

loving someone is not wrong.
loving the same person as each other ; IS NOT WRONG.
its just that circumstances are very very queer.
threading on thin ice ;
so you might say.

with regards to ; yours truly.

oh ... we all know what kinda person i am. i change partners like underwear. treat them like disposables. and then forget about the whole entire situation in the next split second that comes along.

but what if this one ;
is not a disposable underwear ?
than what.

kaaye\.

- leave me thinking ;
with your heart ranching.

something important.

2007-01-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

not like something you might already know. something has been bubbling under. i have 27 more days left. wait ... 26 mroe days left. till celene returns. my neck is on the chopping board. oh ... i can just feel the chopper. i swear. to add on to that ... i know. I KNOW.

HELL HAS NO FURY ;
LIKE A WOMAN WARTH.

okay. i think i am going to die. sooner or later. maybe. just ... MAYBE ... its just me ! why do i always get myself in this kinda shit. damn it. okay then again ... contradicting me is going to le things go. see if they come back. just for this once. i am going to use my brain as in the ... 'non existent one'. yeah. that one. in this little game we all call 'love'.

let's see where it would lead me.
for fun or for hate.
for lust or for love.
we'd all just have to wait and see.
cause ...
i am going fishing.
my diamond troller is coming.
so ... we'd just wait and see.
its free for all.

kaaye\.

- screaming my heart out ;
nothing ever going to change.

happy new year.

2007-01-01T05:17:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE !!!

its a new year. and i am filled with some shitty zest in my life. wondering why actually. maybe cause ... this year. MY EGO IS GETTING BOOSTED BIG TIME. and not to mention , i am not as screwed up as last year's. and yeah.

the medicine is so working.
i swear by them and their miraculous cures.

ON A SIDE NOTE.

i have my new year resolutions. 4 of them to be exact. but ... i know. my friends will say i am only wasting my time trying to even think about them.

1. stop spending so much money.
2. stop drinking so much.
3. stop smoking so much.
4. live life as it is ; with or without 'someone'.

heh heh. i know. sounds stupid and all. but ... i really want to get them done. enough with the playing. seriously. i am so tired. its actually scaring me.

and to the rest of the world.
happy new year.
may this year be better than last year's.
mistakes and wounds healed.
more of everything good for everyone.
[just the right amount.]

loves.

kaaye\.

- after this life time ;
in the face of christ.
would i say that i have done everything.
i could.

shopping = depression go away.

2006-12-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

i have come up with an equation.
if i can say so myself.
shopping = worries flying away.

i bought a vest from G2000 and ahat from zara.
dee got a top from zara and a jacket from pull and bear.
[a tux cut jacket. FUCKING NICE.]
jenny got a lumberjack thingy from zara.

wei did her shopping in hongkong.
and she got us all the same harrods bag !!!
with stuff hanging on 'em. so cute ...
heh heh.

had fun.
didn't cry.
won't cry.
and neither will dee.

in hope.
what beatrice says might suffice.
'there is always sunshine after the rain'.
belief i will try.

kaaye\.

- shopping is such good therapy ;
and it is not a SIN !

fragile.

2006-12-28T22:52:00.000-08:00

菊花灿烂地烧.
你的笑容已泛黄.
花落人断肠我心事静静躺.
被风乱也微摇.
你的影子剪不断.
独留我孤单在湖面神伤.

=

so if you have read my previous entry.
i don't know what i am up to.
but i am trying to resist the urge to reply.
to that sms.
to that call.
to everything that this particular person has sent ;
or called me for.
no it is not the incubus.

reason to which : the playing is too close to home. and i know what it feels like to be on the other end of the spectrum. where by , your spouse is playing on you. you're wearing the green hat. if you get what i mean.

oh yes. i have grown up. in some sick ; wierd and queer manner. but yes. i am sick and tired of all these little playing games.
so what if i really do like her. she's taken and my hands should stay off her. for she is taken. this conversation between morals and ethics will go on forever. the debating of morals and ethics have not stopped since socrates and plato's time ; so why would it now. right ?

oh people. my eyes were set were set on her the first time when they were laid on her. there is something about her i can't quite express. its this aura she brings out. she's different from anyone i've met. her intelligence level is pretty much towards the 'high' side. her standard of english is what i call ; my kinda thing. words flow out of her mouth. they don't come out. they flow out. there is a difference. she walks the same way as i do.
we all know what that strut means.

the similarity scares me. in short , she does things that i would want in a girlfriend. a real potential one. but ; i know she is taken. my hands should stay off. even though she does state that 'things are dfferent' between her other half and her. its still some what wrong.

to that an sms from her just arrived.
so hail my tempatations for i will reply.
nothing more then to assure ;
nothing more will take place.
in hope.

kaaye\.

- the nonsese of life ;
the essence of being.