Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Fall into you, is all I seem to do..
When i hit the bottle, coz I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all it seems to do..
As the anger fades, this house is no longer a home,
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting, and everything that's true.
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting..
Because I want you too,
because I want you too,
because I want you too,
because I want you,
because I want you.
Stumble into you, is all i ever do..
My memory's hazy..and I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all it's gonna do..
As the headache fades, this house is no longer a home,
don't give up on the dream, don't give up, on the wanting,
and everythign that's true.
don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting..=
okie. there are 2 issues i need to clarify.
i am
so pissed and i don't know why ...
but i am very much irritated by the fact.
that people don't understand.
and then they go around being ;
ALL JUDGEMENTAL.
when they know nuts about me.
for one.
i am not a lesbian.
i repeat myself.
I , KAYE ONG.
AM NOT A LESBIAN.please get this right.
laugh if you must.
but i am in actual fact ...
a
G.I.D patient.what is it ???
read the following websites.
- http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/Disorders/GenderIden.html
and
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
god damn it.
i am not a lesbian.
i am a G.I.D patient.
don't start judging before you even know.
whatever.
i just got back from plaza singapura with my parents.
i went shopping.
and
i got a new hair cut.
which i love so much.
denyse got hers cutt too !!!
i got a peach mask from 'the face shop'.
new hair stuff from there as well.
and 2 new tops from flesh imp !!!
wee ...
shopping galore. =)) so the story goes.
tonight.
MOS is having this great underaged party.
my arse.
for the love of god.
i got into zouk at the age of 15.
started drinking at the age of 'i can't remember when ; 5 ???'.did everything then.
what is the point of going into a club.
stand there.
TRY to dance.
and you can't drink.
hold a cig.
cause when you do.
YOU GET KICKED OUTT.
HA !!!
gosh.
then people.
what is the point of going to club.
when you can't drink or smoke.and all you do is try to dance.
wee.
how fun can that get.
i drank.
did everything that a clubber would do.
at the age of 13.HA !!!
i am so pissed with these people.
and i don't know why.
i find them ...
impeccably shallow.
its
either you do it.
or not.
case closed.
i think i
am ranting too much.
ahHhhhh ...
kaye\.- so another day goes past.
even though you ain't here.
how is it ...
that everything is stil you.
memories locked at Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
It's the disease of the age.
It's the disease that we crave.
Alone at the end of the rave.
We catch the last bus home.
Corporate America wakes.
Coffee republic and cakes.
We open the latch on the gate.
Of the hole that we call our home.
Protect me from what I want...
Protect me protect me.
Maybe we're victims of fate.
Remember when we'd celebrate.
We'd drink and get high until late.
And now we're all alone.
Wedding bells ain't gonna chime.
With both of us guilty of crime.
And both of us sentenced to time.
And now we're all alone.
=
i am currently ...
very much addicted to
'special k'.
by placebo of course.
my tummy's churnning.
i hope i am going to die soon.
its killing me !!!
and i feel like i am floating on air.
like ...
wow !!!
god damn it.
i
hate school.
its analogue today.
and there is too much impedence.
sheesh !!!
fuck it man.what has impedence got to do with my life.
educate me.
HA !!!
bro's worried about hue and my drinking binge.
i know she's doing it for our own good.
but we are
REALLY CUTTING DOWN.
i swear to god we are.
we used to meet like ... 3 times a week to drink.
now its like ...
down to 1.
we're cutting down.
i told you i won't drink that much.
and i meant it.
i am trying to stop the urge to like ...
drink at home or what so ever.
and i know.
it has to stop.=))
kaye\.- you know ...
if killing myself ;
might bring you back.
i would rather.
memories locked at Sunday, May 28, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Coming up beyond belief.
On this coronary thief.
More than just a leitmotif.
More chaotic, no relief.
I'll describe the way I feel.
Weeping wounds that never heal.
Can the savior be for real.
Or are you just my seventh seal?
No hesitation, no delay.
You come on just like special K.
Just like I swallowed half my stash.
I never ever want to crash.
No hesitation, no delay.
You come on just like special K.
Now you're back with dope demand.
I'm on sinking sand.
Gravity.
No escaping gravity.
Gravity.
No escaping... not for free.
I fall down... hit the ground.
Make a heavy sound.
Every time you seem to come around.=
I JUST GOT BACK FROM WATCHING X - MEN !!! i swear it was the greatest thing on heaven.
* looks up in the sky.
it rocked my arse.
it really did.
WATCH IT PEOPLE.
especially if you are a fan of X - MEN.
like me.
loved it since young.
and i'd take my love for it to the grave.
heh.
along with batman of course.
oh yeah.
i am a
closet cartoon lover.
what can i say.
they make me happy.
=))
whichever it was ...
went to work today ;
with a kinda groggy state.
i
gave in to temptation yesterday.
ha ha.
temptation and me are like ...
THIS !!!
* does the finger intertwine thing.
ha ha.
so yeah.
after chool.
i met my ever so dearest
lingy and ah gel.
we went for dinner at marina.
then lil' dil came along.
we had a super dumb talk man.
god.
'suspension and us.'that was the topic.
ha ha.
then after which.
i rushed home.
got changed.
rushed down to town.
to meet my
AH HUE !!! edward ; darling. eric ; chris and pui cheng.=))
the usual suspects.
oh yesh.
we went to red club.
and the most dumb thing.
we walked all over the place to find it.
YES.
we were that blur.
ha ha.
music was great.
they played the hindi song.
ha ha.
what more can you ask for man.
heh heh.
met nina and shi mei.
=))
missed them.
haven't met them for like ...
ages ???
i figure nina,
still owes me a
PROPER DANCE.
HA !!
whichever.
last night was great.
=))
and so was tonight.
if only every night was this great.
i miss my life.
but there's a promise to be kept.
till the day it dies outt.
and i am still thinking of ..
taking T - shots.
to T or not to T.
kaye\.- you're really it.
you never hear my silent cry for help.
and you promised to be there.
in heaven's name.
where are you.
memories locked at Saturday, May 27, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The sea's evaporating
Though it comes as no surprise
These clouds we're seeing
They're explosions in the sky
It seems it's written
But we can't read between the line
Hush
It's okay
Dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Cause soulmates never die
This one world vision
Turns us in to compromise
What good's religion
When it's each other we despise
Damn the government
Damn their killing
Damn their lies=
i am in school.
its
circuit analysis.and i have less then no clue to what it is about.
cept that there is alot said ,
about replay circuits.
and about T = L/R
WOW.i don't know a thing.like what is new.
right ... -.-"
its difficult being in this stupid course.
and
it is not funny.
i am struggling my arse off here.
and i am complaining.
*rants in cantonese.
so ...
its a warm warm day today.
and my class is the
artic.
i swear ... if it gets any colder ;
i'd see the zoo transferring its pola bears ,
to one of the buildings soon enough.
tomorrow is wala night.i can't wait.
i need to get the booze.
its one for one.
all night long.its the
password to heaven.=))
oh yesh.
i am actually thinking of going for shots.
not alcoholic shots.
i am thinking of
going for T - shots.
research i guess ???
i still have much to find out about them.
capri said that the ones in KL were like 65 Rm a shot.
should i ???
i want to
change my outside to fit the inside.
... fark.
then again.
did i mention.
i hate my body.i am
in need of a facial wash.
i want the men's one from nivea.
cause i think its super cooling effect ...
does wonders on you.
expecially early in the morning.when the birds make a hell lotta noise.
and the neighbour snors.
yes.the dreaded morning senario.will anyone deliver it to my place ???
PURRRR - LEASSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...need the address ???
leave me a tag.
HA.
*beams.
back to my circuit analysis.
before the diodes come for me.
HA.
kaye\.- right.
now what next.
an 18 wheeler in my face ???
HA.
memories locked at Thursday, May 25, 2006
They rise above this,
They cry about this,
As we live and learn..
A broken promise,
I was not honest,
Now I watch as tables turn,
And you're singing ...
I'll wait my turn,
To tear inside you,
Watch you burn,
I'll wait my turn,
I'll wait my turn.
I'll cry about this,
And hide my cuckold eyes,
As you come off all concerned,
And I'll find no solace,
In your poor apology,
In your regret that sounds absurd,
And keep singing ...=
okie. let's start this.
i had a
pretty bad day in school.
like ...
there were so many things happening.
god damned it.
i
hated my UT.i think
i flunked it.cause i totally didn't know what was going on.
and guess what ...
so did the rest of the
WHOLE CLASS.
oh god.
UT sucked.
went back with wei wei , nana and thevi.
i think they pretty much made a scene at the RPC.
not that i am complaining or anything.
oh yesh ...
'yu guai mo mo ,
fai ti zhao.'=))
fly fly away.
out of sight ...
out of mind.
anyways ...
we went to cwp and slacked like no one's business.
to add on a few more things ....
on to my wish list.
oh yeah ...
i need more clothes.and everyone of us ,
can't wait for the great singapore sale to kinda start.
oh yesh.
one more week of school.and i am free.
can't wait.
*shuns in asylum.kaye\.- out of sight ;
out of mind.
but why not you.
memories locked at Thursday, May 25, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
My guy is a tad transcontinental.
But it keeps me enchained.
Watch an old black and white movie.
Fred and ginger are too sentimental,
crying in shame.
I don't want to be forgotten.
I can't be alone.
So don't you dare leave me.
It's like coming home.
To a skin that has died.
Human voices like a drum.
And they're looking right through me.
Scatter the ashes one more time for me,
one more time for me.=
if you have figured it out.
i am in lust with placebo.i can't stop listening to their very ...
weird style of music ,
which i absolutely adulate.
it sounds like rock ;
come alternative.
it just screams my style of music.
oh yes.
the lyrics make more then just stupid sense.
though it seems cynical.
it rocks.
ALOT.work was bad.
it was busier then it
SHOULD be.
which is not good for me.
i rather just slack and wait.
for the endless time to pass me by.
then to run around.
like a little rodent.
trying to get things in the right order.
and
KEEP THINGS CLEAN.
which somehow ;
my manager ...
doesn't really seem to comprehend.
no matter how many times.
how many chances you try,
giving him a second chance to make right.
he never really does it ; right.
he just does it worse then the previous time.
imagine.
i have a manger who's worse then a barista starting out.
WOW !!! i am not feeling any better.my wound's healing i guess.
it doesn't hurt when i touch it.
so i figure ...
its healing.
not like i want it to though.
life's a bitch.kaye\.- see you at the bitter end.
bring along your girlfriend.
memories locked at Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
you are one of god's mistakes.
you crying tragic waste of skin.
i am well aware of how it aches.
and you still won't let me in.
now i am breaking down your door.
to try and save your swollen face.
no i don't like you anymore.
you lying , tiring waste of space.
my oh my.
a song to say goodbye.
a song to say goodbye.
a song to say ...
for our innocence was lost.
you were always one of those.
with the lucky 7's.
and a voice that made me cry.
my oh my.=
i just had a little something more to add.
its just a random thought.
i think i need to be on prozac again.there is so much on this burden train ;
that i am trying to pull along the way.
somehow.i am trying.
with not much results.
as any dumb human subject can see.i miss wenny.
alot.
i miss my ex - life.
alot.
i miss her.
alot.but.
does it really matter.cause i can't do anything about it.
i feel like a kid.
standing outside the candy shop.
with no way.
with no method.of getting that candy.
he so wants from the top shelf ;
of the cupboard behind the cashier.
so he just stands there.
wondering.when.
how.
who. and what. i hate doing so.
kaye\.- i needed blood to see.
if i was still alive.
and i am.
memories locked at Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
if i could tear you from the ceiling.
and gurantee a source divine.
rid you of your possessions ; bleeding.
name your funny valentine.
don't leave me.
and please don't drive me blind.
don't ever leave me.
and please don't drive me blind.=
today is the 23rd. and its my day. =))
its lame. i know.
but it makes me happy.
it means.
23 days have passed of this month.
with no
MAJOR mishap.
besides me getting sick.
HA.
whichever it is.
its PCB today.
i got to get a circuit done up and all.
and YES !!!
EUREKA.sound can come out of capacitors.
=))
oh yeah.
i am so freaking happy that it worked. i seriously am.
i think i will be meeting dee later.
i still don't feel good.
so i don't know how long ...
or whether i am even going to meet her.
can't wait.
i miss that small chilli padi. oh yeah.
this is my first day of school,
since last wednesday.
beat that people.
it doesn't really matter if ,
you still care.
it doesn't really matter if ,
everything turns out bad.
its already been dealt with.i hope i don't owe you anything more.
i hope.kaye\.- ignorance is bliss.
in certain situations ...
less is more.
and more is trouble.
memories locked at Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
i don't know why.
my tears are rooling my cheecks as i type this entry.
i just read bro's testimonial to me.
i am not the type that would cry easily.
not to mention cry.
i don't know why the tears are even rooling down my cheeks.
al this while.
i have been happy with it just flowing inwardly.
with the strong front and all.
and the best part is.
i don't know what i am crying about.
i am just so sick and tired.
of always believing in someone else's promise.
they make it so easily.
with all the body language and everything.
at that certain point in time.
that they mean every single word of that promise that they just made to you.
i used to believe in people's promises until ...
i couldn't.
no more.
friends ; family ; other girls.
they don't work for me.
just like they could have.
and should have.
i have lost trust in people.
don't blame me for it.
they let me down over and over again.
to the extent that i can't bring myself to believe.
not even in what they say that they will do.
for me.
or for anyone.
and it sucks not being able to try trust anyone.
it really does.
and then when they break their promises.
they say ...
i have my reasons.
its not whether they still perform their promised task.
its the principle behind the matter.
that everything i hoped to get.
hoped to see.
its all washed down.
its the principle behind the matter.
not the matter itself.
i don't know anything.
or anyone anymore.
i hate this life i life in.
and the best part of the whole thing.
i cannot do anything about trying to change it.
flashbacks are not helping.
they just make it worse.
i am not ilussional.
i am not.
so tell me.
how.
kaye\.
- crying is merely ;
a sign of human weakness.
i don't want to be human.
memories locked at Sunday, May 21, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
god damn it. there is money missing from my POSB account and they CLAIM that i have taken the money from an ATM ; of which i have no recognition OF !!!???
*FUCKING HELL.i am sick. grumpy. i feel like killing everyone in sight. especially my parents. who don't really seem to bother. i feel like crying every single time i think about myself being sick and helpless.
i want to cut myself. i just need to see blood flow. i want to kill myself. i want to cry. and i have. my eyes hurt. they look like they are farking swollen.
everytime i think of you. i cry even more. shit.
FARK.shit. i am in such a shitty state.
FARK THE WORLD.kaye\.- god damn it.
memories locked at Saturday, May 20, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
take my photo off the wall ...
if it just won't sing for you.
look what you've done.
you've made a fool of everyone.
look what you've done.
=
i don't know what to blog.
cept that i don't have much of a voice now.
i am
down on baby food.
my throat feels like a sand paper , whenever i swallow.
my head hurts yet spining , whenever i stand up.
my chest hurts , whenever i breathe in too hard.
my tummy hurts , whenever i am in a position too long.
my back hurts , whenever i stand up too long.
thanks.
=======================
its already
6 months. don't tell me its still to short to think about the future. when people have gone numb ... you know. i know. and i have. tell me to feel something besides the momentarily joy that friends bring. without of which ... i think i might have just
gone cynical. i don't know what to think no more.
everything is but a mess whenever i think about you. i said that i can't live without you. then come to think, about it ... people just say its a sense of getting used to it. but then i say ... i really can't.
destress. that is what it is ... so tell me.
i don't want to be recognized by you. it just
brings the pain harder to bare ... then it already is ... don't you get it.
recognition is what i don't need. not now. not till i get over you somehow.
HA. the story of my wreckened life. wee.
kaye\. - what have i done.
memories locked at Thursday, May 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
its the 17th.
i am sick like a farking small kitten. my fingers and toes are freezing - ly cold. i feel so vunerable. my fever's causing me to shiver and breathe out hot air. my head's spining at a hundred miles an hour. my throat's raw and scratchy - ly pain and irritable.
- i hate this feeling.tomorrow i have a test. and its
my favourite and ONLY best subject tomorrow. i don't know if i can make it to school. cause of the stupid test. it sucks. cause i am sick. and i feel so uncomfortable. the test's is on analogue electronics , which i am so weak at. and i have yet to even open the notebook to revise.
my grades are depleting. i don't know what is going on. my mind's in a mess. school stinks except for the times i see my clique. which so happens to be ... an hour a day in school. they keep me going.
my head's in a mess. my love life sucks. vanessa's going cynical. i have to stop making girl's trip over the steps. clubbing has to be clubbing with no intention of getting someone home.
i am not happy. i don't do relationships. - no more. they only bring you pain.
and then ...
i can't stop thinking of you. which seriously messes things up. cause i don't know you no more. i want the old you back. but i figure ... its too far away. so far ... you can't even see yourself moving away.
now can you. kaye\.- my life's going down the gallows.
memories locked at Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go.
But I’m doin’ It.
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone.
Still Harder.
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret.
But I know if I could do it over.
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart.
That I left unspoken.
What hurts the most.
Is being so close.
And having so much to say.
And watching you walk away.
And never knowing.
What could have been.
And not seeing that loving you.
Is what I was trying to do.=
i just got back not long ago from harbour. not that i am complaing about the world today , but ... i think that there are more and more things happening each day ... with so many comments that are omitted cause of the fear of the other person' s feelings. but then ...
on the other hand ...
no one actually thinks of it the constructive way. on how to put it across on how to make it sound like a feed back instead of a statement filled with pun and intent to harm. - i just don't get it.
nah nah. don't get me wrong. i just some how feel that , there are certain people in the world who are much older then me ... and 'supposedly' more mature. take my mother for an example ... she does not.
I REPEAT DOES NOT KNOW WHAT PRINCIPLE MEANS. don't say something you don't intend to do or intend to keep your word to. the sad fact is. ... NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE. ... or how
RELIABLE THE PERSON OR GENUINE THE PERSON IS ...
PROMISES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN. - short and sweet.
her name is
appalling towards ; it's sound that tingles in my ear , causing an uneasy queezy effect upon my unstable emotional mindset , at the very moment in time. is it so difficult to understand.
things are
not so simple now. do we have to bring along the baggage whenever we talk about the past. when history starts to repeat.
why blame. why hold grudges.the simple fact that.
IT BRUSIED OUR EGO. or ... we just want to make 'MYSELF' known. - to the world out there OR to
blow the matter up on how shallow that party is. without ... listening.WITHOUT.even before trying to understand. juding before trail.
how convinient.
ELO !!!??? EARTH TO YOU !!! the world does not revolve around you , darling. wake up and smell the flowers.
kaye\.- don't let it be you.
compunctuious regret.
with you as the leading actress.
memories locked at Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
i seriously hav a
veryvery big problem at the moment. why can't singapore be just like LA. you know. why can't the
morales and the people be just like that of those in LA. GOD DAMN IT. i am into season two. and loving every bit of it.
shit. its such an addiction. anyways ... to work later. with my new bag. *muacks.
kaye\.- and then one day ...
you'd realise.
you don't need anyone as a companion.
torment overwrites love.
memories locked at Saturday, May 13, 2006
when you want something.
it seems like it becomes a treasure.
when you got it.
it ceases to be one.=
i am overly addicted. and you don't really want to how ; how much i am into it. okie. i am overly addicted with theLword. i want to get the tops ... ha ha. oh my god. i swear ... its the best man. you can't get any better then
theLword. and i have much to watch ... cause i have season one all through season three !!! ar !!! i have so much watching to get done ... *cries.
anyways ... i didn't go drinking last night in the end. cause i am super tired. and so was hue. in the end ... it was mac's buffet. =)) ha ha. anyways ... 3 days of drinking has drained my body. and i am so tired ... so so tired. i love one rochester. did i tell you that ??? ha ha.
went to work today. i must say ... harbor is picking up. and i am very glad to see that. i really am. went to get my bag last night. and know what ??? i love it. although ... its kinda wierd. but ... ar. fuck it. i love it and that is all that matters. oh wells. i have the same bag as xiao ling !!! ha ha.
oh yeah.
i am falling back to depression. no one knows why and how. i seem happy. but i am not. something's missing.
i don't want ons-es anymore. i don't need that kinda love. i really don't.
so yes. back to theLword. buzz off.
kaye\.- and you said your name was ???
memories locked at Saturday, May 13, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
'hey stranger.
have i met you before ???
you seem familiar.
i have seen you some where'
- you turn and walk away.
=
ITS DAY GOING TO BE DAY FOUR.okie i tell you.
i have been drinking for the past three days and tonight is going to be number 4. ha ha. not that i am complaining. yesterday hue and i went to one rochester to drink. the place is freaking serene. and i swear ... THE TROPICS ARE IN SINGAPORE. except that our view had a building. named the MOE. how i wished it could be ... let's not go there.
anyways ... we had fun and the drinks were very the ... 'gao' aka thick aka
STRONG like shit. we took like ages to finish our sex on the beach. which we kinda regretted ordering had i had my
MOJITO !!! *beams in delight.
i so missed it man. but then again , the mojito was strong. but it wasn't as good as the one at like ... the balcony. yuppers. oh wells.
we drank a little too much. till like we went home. no supper no nothing. gosh. how sucky can sex on the beach get man. oh wells.
i love alcohol. i am a killer whale and my dear hue is only a shark. *pats hue's head. =))
there is only one true alcoholic in the family.
GUESS WHO. kaye\.- so this is what you have become.
i don't know you no more.
'and you are ??'
memories locked at Friday, May 12, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
not like being perfect is anything.
cause after all ...
it still ain't going to bring you back to me.
fuck perfect.
imperfection is my game.=
question : 'to zouk ; to wala ; or to momo. that is the question.'and someone tell me what is the answer. i can't make up my mind where to get going. cause everyone is telling me to make the choice. even though they are now like ... at momo. they are saying i make the decision on where to go.
BLAH. go to hell la.
anyways ... today i went to work and i only just got home. its like .... 10 plus 11 ??? oh wells. had a super fun time at work cause everything and everyone was having ... their
'one of those days mood'. its hilarious. :)
headed down to town with mirah and monica. m&m's. ha ha. whichever ... we went to topshop then went to visit siew li.
i miss her terribly. i swear ... so yeah !!! slacked around then came home.
last night was great. i drank like ...
4 coronas , 3 stellas , 7 shots , 5 magaritas & 2 flaming's. =))
i love it. i love it. vanessa was there , so were all her arty farty friends. they said i looked over my age. like ... -.-"
i wanted to kill them. ha ha. oh wells. vanessa was talking so much cock last night i think ... she had a little too much.
i was so high
i could hardly walk. thank god there was much dancing to get done at MOS. if not ... i think i would have just be wasted.
i don't like getting drunk. i like getting high. HA. anyways ... the music was good. so to fuck with the rest. i got on to the platform with vanessa. and to my surprise .... she can dance better when she is high. ha ha. wooops !!!
hui shan and fanny were super funny too !!! ha ha. they were having a grinding competition with vanessa and i. ha ha. like what the heck !!! they were like ... touching each other all over la. like ... ARGH !!! it was a draw. so they say.
BUT I SWEAR I WON THEM HANDS DOWN !!! ha ha.
awoke this morning with
NOT A TRACE OF A HANGOVER. tell me. tell me i am good. hui shan , fanny , vanessa and her other 3 friends who i still didn't get tehir funny names had major hangovers. i so pity them man ...
oh wells.
OUTT.
i want another night of fun. to hell with turning over a new tree.
cause being perfect is nothing. heading outt of here. fun. here i come.
kaye\.- i rather be ended by their hate.
then my love prolonged.
memories locked at Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I have got to idea why my laptop is
running so slow. Its pissing me off so much , I feel like smashing its very nice sleek silver built into the wall. Whichever ,
its making me pissed. ARGH !!!
Went to school today and I enjoyed it. Cause its my favourite lesson in the week … Digital electronics. Love it. BooLean Algebra people.
BooLean. Gosh. I love this lesson , even though people say that the facilitator is none less then a bitch in a sheep goat. But … Oh wells. She is nice to me. So … I don’t care !!! UT 1 is going to happen on Thursday. I can’t wait. Its going to Binary. Wee … =))
Think I am getting a little psychotic. Asking me how I can be so excited over UT ??? Frankly … I don’t know. At least I have something to get done in my free time wad … Right ???
Anyways , everything is heading downs hill.
I am heading to wala. OUTT. Kaye\.- dying in this silence.
memories locked at Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Feeling fine,
Lets rip out yours instead of mine.And all you need.
Are several ways to watch me bleed?Well,
thanks for stoppin' this beating in my chest.It's easier now, and
I'm happy like this.Just like this.
Even though I ain't coming back now.
I didn't mean to seem as though.
I was so
ungrateful for all you've done here.
For yanking out my ...
=
guess what.
I AM AT MY WITTS END.its my fault. leave tonight. i don't understand how things got this way. like who am i to her.
its a stupid thing.
thanks to those who laughed. i deserved it. it was a joke. at least i think it is. i don't intend to change anything if i were to be given another chance to get it done again.
which ever it is ...
laugh as much as you want. i don't owe you guys anything. and
neither do i have to maintain any image in your eyes. its back to old school. what has it got to do with it now. whatever.
you didn't have to sms me.
why apologize ??? did you somehow sub-conciously realise ; you are doing me
more harm then good ??? there is no point in trying to force words out of yourself. cause , that just states , its either
untrue or its just not meant to be said. i want to get out of this stupid hole. you carry on doing what you want to do.
you don't have to answer to me. who am i to you. i just want to know.
who am i to you. i am merely just less then a friend but more then just a passerby.
i don't want to dangle on a string
no more. its more then what i bargained for. i need my life back.
for your info.
your smses still taunt my thoughts. its day 2 now. HA. your promises are
nothing but empty. why try to make up for something only now.
you said you'd always be there. let me ask you one thing. who actually left first. cause it definately wasn't me. think. i never
really left. am i right to say that.
you are the only one who knows.where were you when i needed you.
don't say you were there. you weren't i went searching. you weren't. your firneds know mine. and mine ; yours. we know each other's enemies. so tell me.
i don't want to stay here anymore. i don't want to head out
in fear of seeing you. i don't need that. its a love hate relationship between me and love. and it'd stay that way.
kaye\.- where were you.
memories locked at Sunday, May 07, 2006
Saturday, May 06, 2006
i did not sleep for the past 36 hours.don't ask why. some people just need not know. before i get into deep shit. i swore never to be here again. and i don't know why i am. its not right. its not supposed to be this way. i was supposed to be having fun yesterday. and it turns out ...
the other way around.i had fun the earlier part of the day , thank god for wei wei , nana and xiao ling. they acompanied me to pass the time in the early part of the day. we had loads of laughter. even though i knew something was going to happen today.
hey. i do
have a 6th sense for such shit. not that i am boasting. but most of the time ... it works. so whichever. i went to vanessa's place after that. cause she just got back from london. went to say hi. nothing much after that.
i feel so guilty. the guilt is going to kill me sooner or later. cause i know i don't like her the tiniest bit. but i know she does. and its wrong. its so wrong to keep her waiting like that. she knows ... she farking knows. and i ... being a bastard. i just told her everything last night. i hope she understands.
- i know you read this blog of mine. i hope you are fine. i told you from the start i couldn't. you said we should try. i tried. it didn't work. i just can't. whichever it was ... went for some drinks with toh , hue & claire. went to holland. fark man. we kinda had a pretty good time. i got drunk. and its the bad one. but anyways ... headed to maxwell for supper. started getting super ... cold. i was practically freezing on the taxi.
i don't understand how some people are given the power to over take your mind. i don't.
god damned it.
like what happened yesterday was not enough. HA. tomorrow's going to be a better day.
i hope.kaye\.- don't tell me what i want to hear.
tell me what you want to say.
memories locked at Saturday, May 06, 2006
Friday, May 05, 2006
Well I wanted you.
I wanted no one else.I thought it through.
I got you to myself.
You got off .
Every time you got on to me.I got caught up.
In
favorable slavery.
Was it wrong? Was it wrong?
I guess it wasn't really right.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
It didn't matter what they said.'Cause we were good in bed.
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight.
for all the wrong reasons.No, it didn't matter what I tried.
It's just a little hard to leave.
When you're going down on me.
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight.
for all the wrong reasons.
Well you know my friends.
Well they know your enemies.
I'd pretend.Not to hear what they said to me.
'Cause I got off.
Every time you got on to me.
Was it wrong.
To go along with insanity?
Was it wrong? Was it wrong?
=
okie. so this is my blog. and i am going to blog. i don't understand , why people publish stuff on their blog and not claim responsibility to it even though IT IS ... after all his or her fault. Its just not right. now is it. even if it is your blog , if you hurt someone on it ... admit it and say sorry. don't act like you are all high and mighty over there , with a crown sticking out of your head. NAH. its so unjustified.
whichever it is ... unto a lighter topic ...
i have been schooling. and its getting very tiring. i miss my semester 2 classmates a hell lot ... they make me laugh , cry and want to be there for them. =)) miss them to bits. will be having a all girl's outing tomorrow and i can't wait.
we are going to go swimming and we are going to slack ... cook dinner and SLACK SOMEMORE !!! ha ha. its going to be great. at least i hope it will be. wee ... mummy got me these
GERMANY boxers. not the normal ones. anyways ... they rock. so comfy !!! wee ...
yup yup. went for this talk on flim after school. it was held by Royston Tan. the guy who directed fifteen. this local film. yup. super cool. it was funny ... till it came to the 2nd short film ... the actor said ...
'i'd have to give chance another chance.'
'for the doctor said ... the only way that i was going to get my heart back ...'
'was to find the person who took it away , and hoped to get it back from her.'
'until then ... numbness is what will flow through your veins.'FARK BIG TIME. i was so close to tears after those few sentances. i don't know what todo. what to feel. i tried laughing it off ... but ... it didn't help. HA. what a whossy. WHATEVER. hiaz.
anyways ... yeah. went to town with xiao ling , wei wei and NA NA. wee ... had nydc and then we proceeded to take dumb neos. and guess wad ... i got bullied all the way ... from take 1 of the beo to take 8 of it. damn it.
morale - don't go out with a group of all girls ... that you know have devious plans to get you doing dumb stuffs. ha ha.
going to buzz off and die now. laters. *wangs.
kaye\.- show me what it is like.
to be the last one standing.
memories locked at Friday, May 05, 2006
The rain drops splatter around the ground around him.
Loud are the roaring of the cars passing by.
Each rain drop rubbing its friction against.The falling of the droplets become louder.
Sunlight's no where to be seen.
To be felt.
The pumping of the heart took a skip.Slowly and consistently.
The heart
beats slower and slower.With each beat a loud and difficult thud.
Ranching was what the heart was getting itself into.
Slowly , the pain
excelerates into high drive.
The
excruciating pain in the center of the chest.It starts to spread.
In all directions it starts its
unending rampage.Once again.
The pain so excruciating.
Death is its only cure.
Everything else is nothing but pure bluff.
The thoughts start to encircle his mind.
Of which he never thought might happen.
The long loved one.
Might have just let his heart.
For the very last time.
All the
trepidation in his blood.It shined on him.There is
no more turning back.Either you are in or you are out.
He left the encircled orb once.
Heading back to the orb was something he had never done.
Before her.Now.
Heading out of the orb is something …
He has to endure.
Never ; is going back going to be an option.
No more.kaye\.
- take me out.
breathe me in.
take me full.
where were you when i needed you.
and yet ,
you promised you would be there.
where were you.
memories locked at Friday, May 05, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
- of always being sick and tired.
is it me or is it you.not like time is going to buy me anything. in time to come. everything about me now is going to seem like a huge joke on me in the following years when i look back at myself. i am going to laugh at myself for be the most stupid person on earth.
i just don't get it. i really just don't get it. why are the facade and the memoria of you still taunting my very existence. i don't get it. you are gone. but the memories stay. moreover they are the good ones. which just make everything all so much more worse.
they taunt. they don't haunt. that is the worse thing. they taunt me whenever i start something off. whenever i start to get a move on. i don't get it !!! i don't get it !!! what the fark is hapening now adays. what the heck is happening to everyone.
or is it just me. i can't get that straight. messed up i will never say i am.
WHY CAN'T I JUST MOVE ON AND GET WITH THE GAME AGAIN. WHY DO OU HAVE TO HAUNT MY EXISTENCE. AND THEN TO ONLY KNOW THAT ... I AM THE ONLY ONE LEFT HERE CAUSE I CAME BACK TOO LATE. DON'T FOOL ME. I HAD ENOUGH WITH THE FOOLING AND THE ILLUSION OF A BACK DROP I WAS HOPING FOR. I NEED TO GET A MOVE ON. I NEED TO. god damn this. this sucks so badly. i wonder what is going on around me sometimes. i see everything happening. but i don't understand why somehow i can take myself out and see me. i can see me doing things.
no.
i don't have a psychological disorder. even ESTEIN talks to himself. in that way.
so messed up.
kaye\.- let me get over you.
i need to move on with life.
memories locked at Wednesday, May 03, 2006
the time now is 15:51 hours. and guess what. i just got up from my slumber like ... only 20 minutes ago. cause i went to
THUMPER !!! my one month once outing is the best thing on earth !!! oh my god.
THUMPER ROCKS. *grins.
although there were a few like ... mishaps and everything. cause like , hue , the other tiffany and i couldn't like get in. cause they said that like it was only for 21. but ... knowing us we got our ways. =))
whichever it was ... it was the best time of our lives man. we took the platform for like the whole night.
everyone got molested up to down. down to up. including me. then there was the ... music.
ohmygod. the music was most of the thing great. the crowd was great too. i think i sweat my arse off last night. cause like my whole shirt was like wet by the time i got out. =)) like oh my god man. it was so great. thank god for the POLE !!!
wait wait ... did i mention ...
SELINA CAME TOO !!! wee ... so fun so fun. then there was eric , my qing ai de , chris and gf , the two tifanny's & kristien. how much more company do you need. am i right. especially when each one of them is madder then me. ha ha. oh yesh.
all in all last night wa great. even though there was more then just one mishap. the slacking at 7-11 was so farking funny. like oh my god la. then we went to river valley for chicken rice in the morning !!! oh yesh. which was like ... already 4 plus coming 5 ???
this is clubbing madness. i'd never forget. ohyeah.
kaye\.- take my life away.
what do i need for in the first place.
i was dead to begin with.
memories locked at Wednesday, May 03, 2006