Tuesday, February 27, 2007
i know ..that i can't make you stay.but where is your heart.but where is your heart.but where is your.and i know.there is nothing i can say.to change that part.to change that part.to change.so many bright lights to cast a shadow.but can i speak.is it hard udnerstanding.that i am incomplete.a life that is so demanding.i get so weak.=
oh my goodness. please listen to ;
my chemical romance. they have a new song called ... 'famour last words'. its
damn nice please.
GO GO GO LISTEN TO IT !!! =)) anyways right ...
bye bye to batam. cause of navy.they are so
inefficient and everything. omfg. i am
so damn bloody irritated. but then again ... i think i should shut up.
before the mp's come after my blog or something along those lines. i don't know la. whichever ... i have enuff to bother about.
its driving me nuts. and i am under pressure.
I SWEAR. i am going to break soon enough. oh my mother fucking god.please help me.kaaye\.- i like it when you call.
memories locked at Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
there is nothing more i can say.
its the 26th.oh yes.
its been a month since wayne said good bye.i can't forget that face that he gave me on the table when i was at the vet. i can still recall the phone call i got from mount plesant.
'excuse me , are you miss kaye ??? could you please come down. cause wayne has taken a turn for the worse.' tears rolled down my cheeks like tomorrow never stood in the way.
he was on the table.
all so skinny and wired up with tubes and a breathing mask. i can't forget that look in his eyes.
when everything in the world fell in front of me , it didn't make much a difference. he was tearing. if you were there ,
you would have seen it yourself. he was crying too. tear by tear. the nurse was trying to find his nerve , but to no avail.
he was too dehydrated to get anything done. i was crying.
xiao ling and wei wei came. wayne didn't stop trying to make me not cry.
he gave his last burst of energy to tilt his head up to mine , to nudge me. to try tell me not to cry.
that everything was going to be alright. HOW CAN EVERYTHING BE ALRIGHT. when he's obviously dying right before my eyes.
i miss wayne.alot in fact.
kaaye\.- daddy misses you.
memories locked at Monday, February 26, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
说不上为什么.
我变得很主动.
若爱上一个人.
什么都会值得去做.
我想大声宣布对你.
依依不舍连隔壁邻居.
都猜到我现在的感受.
=
yesterday was one of the best days of my life. =)) for many many good reasons. banana came over in the afternoon and spent most of the day here. then ... she went off ;
i had a good afternoon nappy. went to watch 'just follow law' with my family. THEN GUESS WHAT !!!
banana came along too !!!such a plesant surprise i tell you. =))
couldn't make me any happier i swear. and apparently ...
my entire family knows. EXCEPT ME.
how convinient !!! but ... who cares.
it makes me even happy now. thinking about it. oh man !!!
headed to meet
xiao ling and her friends after the movie. then ... yeah. went drinking at 95. shit balls. i had like ...
1 lychee martini ; 2 sour apple ; 1 mug of mix ; 2 sex on the beach ; somemore mix here and there. like wtf !!! and
i wasn't the least bit high.BANANA CAME DOWN AGAIN !!! no i am not complaining. i am; i don't know. maybe this is why i say that
yesterday was one of my best days. she came down. =)) went for supper and she sent me back.
seriously.
what more can i ask for in life.=))
i am off to bake cupcakes for her !!!
kaaye\.- if everyday was like that ;i'd be the happiest kid on earth.
memories locked at Saturday, February 24, 2007
I like where we are,When we drive, in your car.I like where we are ... Here.Cause our lips, can touch.And our cheeks, can brush.Our lips can touch here.Where you are the one, the one that lies close to me.Whisper's "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly".I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.Now there's no place else I could be ,But here in your arms.=
you know when you're in love when ... - your
heart skips a beat when you're with the person.
- you long to see the person ;
again.
- you miss the person so much ;
just after 1 second of leaving them.
- you think of the person more then yourself.
- you
wonder when you're going to see the person again.
- you constantly
can't stop smsing or calling the person.
- you
worry like fuck when the person doesn't reply after some time.
-
you go nuts when the person gets upset.
- you are hyper sensitive to the person's feelings.
- you hurt when the other person hurts.
- you
can't stop thinking of us. instead of me or you.
- you think
'its going to be long and good'.-
you do stupid things just to make the other party smile.
- you try things you have never tried.
okay. so the list goes on. i don't know about you. but i think love is something everyone is searching for but not everyone happens to find it at the right place and / or the right time.
its difficult. its like a match stick.
not every match stick in the box you have will burn till the end. some stop half way.
some can't even get lighted and in the process ;
break. even before it getting lighted. some of the match sticks burn brightly then dim a little them burn brightly all over again. some burn dimmly then sloly it gets brighter.
some just don't get lighted at all. doesn't mean the brand of the match sticks are good ;
the match sticks will light up. neither does it mean that , the match stick will be assured that it would
burn till the end. interesting note to all this is that ...
not everything is comfirmed.=
i think i can be some what called pretty blessed. or somewhat
'saved' in a very queer manner. cause , its like ... i don't know how am i going to explain this but ... everytime i see her.
i feel happy. not that i am happy that i am with her.
NOT only that. but more of ...
i don't know. i know that somehow she will be there when i need her. and that she means what she says
instead of breaking the promises once they are made. she gives me that assurance that its real and ...
the sense of doubt shouldn't even dawn upon me to begin with. i don't know.
maybe she's a good liar.
or ...
i am gullible.but ... i don't think its either one of the options.i really like her.
having a
'good' reputation like mine isn't good when it comes to something serious.
it gets in the way ... and well ...
its just not good.I LOVE MY BANANA !!! =))kaaye\.- before the water in the well dries up ;i don't want to miss another boat.
memories locked at Saturday, February 24, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
you know.
i can still remember the day that i first cried my eyes out so hard for my girlfriend. not too long ago. around ...
2 years back ? or something along those lines.
reason to which : her family found out that she wasn't like normal girls. she didn't like guys like normal girls did. she preferred girls.
not as friends. but of something of a higher level.
oh ... i can still remember that day.
when i cried so hard. i didn't know how to stop.
every single thought of her lead me to more tears after tears. its not so hard to imagine. but yes ,
it was the first time i cried for someone. i was on the verge of
loosing her in a fashion i didn't expect come hit me. it was my first time. my very first time feeling someone's grip
slowly slipping away. that feeling ,
is horrid. its
beyond anything that i had ever experienced or ever will.that feeling till now , for me.
its worse then heart break. its worse then breaking up. its the forcefulness. its the ... unwillingness of both parties who don't want to let go. who still love each other but are being torn apart ;
relationship tested in ways the heart has no say to. i frankly ; hate and abhor that feeling so much ... i try to bury it. but it
resurfaces everytime something of such happens.=
oh ... just like clock work.
the whole history is repeating itself. no i am not complaining why i have to be in such shit. but more of ...
i don't think what is happening now is fair for anyone. i don't know.
i don't like my relationship getting tested. i don't like it. i don't like having to pounce on every single reply.
cause you don't know when the next one is going to come. i don't like having of thinking of living alone. no ... i don't.
but , there is nothing i can do.kaaye\.- why do we push love away.
memories locked at Thursday, February 22, 2007
chee na new year was great.
full of cock i tell you. the aunt's telling and asking you
the same thing over and over again. every single year ...
they don't come up with any new questions or anything of that sort. but they do change one thing.
ONE THING. their
colour of make up. ha ha. that is about it. =))
i am just joking.chee na new year wasn't that bad. the weather was pretty ... okay. and well ... food was okay.
money from the sky was the best !!! woo wee ... and well ...
i still got to spend time with my banana !!! buah ha ha.
oh yes ...
I MISS EVERYONE.where are you guys.... god damned it.
kaaye\.- when everything lies in your hands ;you start to wonder.HOW.
memories locked at Thursday, February 22, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
all those nights that we kissed ,are the nights that i missed.holding your hands as your man for sure.we were young but secure.what we had was so pure.innocence ever since we spoke.why do we fall in love ;when only love will tear us apart.=
when there is a start. there is always an end.when there is an once ; there is always a twice.when there is an occassion ; there will always be more.when there is a coincidence ; there is always a mistake.end of the story is that. everything you do ...
there is a cause and effect. nothing comes for free. nothing is what it seems to be. cause everything is about being on a tight rope. balancing is the key to getting it to stay the same. and if you slip ,
you pay the consequence. in what ever way seems to be appropriate.
example :
if i loose a game in poker.i either loose money or a dare or to drink.same thing.
nothing's forever.happy cny everyone.have a great and happy one.
filled with love and ANG PAOS !!!
kaaye\.- before it disappears.i am going to be gone.
memories locked at Saturday, February 17, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
oh ... what life brings.
i am sick.with a leaky nose and erm ...
something else.its going crazy.
my nose refuses to stop its unending rampage on ME !!! and i am going mad mad mad ... oh man.
its crazy. and i can't stop it. its not stopping even when i blow every single thing out of it. damn.
valentine's day was pretty ... messy.met ,
wei , ling and nana on v'dae !!! in the afternoon that is. oh man. i tell you ... its such a v'dae tradition. we sat at the
exact same table as that of last year's. its so cool. whichever man ... i missed those times. alot. those times
when we were so damn close and all the nonsense that came along with it. not to mention ... the kbox !!!talking about kbox. we went to party world. =)) 4 hours of singing. and laughing and camera whoring !!! woo wee ... whichever.
i endjoyed myself with them. ALOT.
met the gf after that. we were supposed to go to novus. but then ...
I DON'T EAT MORE THEN HALF THE STUFF THEY HAVE ON THEIR MENU. ... TRUST ME. i don't. not like i wanted to be like ... irritating. BUT I DON'T.
i don't eat pork ; i don't eat foie gras ; i don't eat veal. so ... we walked out.
not to mention ...
i wasn't informed.then ... went to ... chijmes in the end.
saw a couple getting into a fight. i know we are busy bodies. but then ...
its pretty interesting. this pair of les were out. then this guy just came up to the femme and gave her a v'dae present. cool eh !!!???
obviously they fought. heh heh. =))
so ... interesting.headed to devil's then to zouk.
chris , pui cheng , ade , ryan , pat and many many more were there. and er ... RYAN !!!
she got drunk. guess who had to look after her. oh man. ... but whichever.
i am just glad that she is safe and everything and not sleeping by the road side or something along those lines.
it was a pretty fun night.=))
kaaye\.- green boxers and eggs.
memories locked at Thursday, February 15, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
no body said it was going to be easy.
its such a shame for us to part.no body said it was easy.no one ever said it would be this hard.
i'd take it back to the start.
i was just guessing numbers and figures.
pulling the puzzles apart.
question of science.
science in progress.
speaking as loud as my heart.
tell me you love me.come back and haunt me.oh what a rush to the start.
running in circles ;
chasing tales.
coming back as we are.=
let the emo king him get
all emo.
AS USUAL. i went running. and
trust me there are alot of things in my head. and
i can't stop them from flooding my head all so badly. its irritaing me and
i can't do anything about it. for one ...
i am useless and obviously incompetent of anything emotional. trust me ...
when i say i am incompetent don't tell me that i am competent of something so much more that i don't even know about. really.
don't tell me all that crap. oh my goodness.
i am on the verge of breaking down very very badly.where is the light man !!!i can't fucking see it anymore !!!ARGH. trust me i am very very irritated.
i don't know why. wenny and jenny and denyse !!! where are you guys ???
we need to meet up before i go cynical all over again and die this time around. i am going to eat my medicine and sleep.bye bye.chee bais.
kaaye\.- its crazy ;and i am going to go nuts.
memories locked at Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
happy number one !!!=))
its the 12th.
the 12th !!!
i love my banana.toot toot.
kaaye\.- a light shining brighter then before ;your words ever so pure.
memories locked at Sunday, February 11, 2007
our very first pic. =)) my banana and the monkey !!!
=
now that its all said and done.i can't believe that you are the one.
to build me up and tear me down.
like an old abandoned house.
what you said when you left.just left me cold and out of breathe.
i fell a those ways too deep.
i guess i let you get the best of me.
well ... i never saw it coming.i should have saw it running.
a long long time ago.
and i never thought i doubt you.
i thought i would be better without you.
more then you.
more then you.more then you know.=
its irritating.
i didn't get my maths paper one properly done again. AGAIN. its irritating the fuck out of me.
i can't take it. i can't !!!
oh my fucking mother fucking cunting christ. i got a D7. and
i have to retake the whole fucking exam AGAIN. this year.
its going to be my last chance. ... and i sure as hell hate to even think about it.
this is so fucking irritating.i can't put it into words.
next week starting from tomorrow.
its going to be a roller coaster ride. monday ... which is tomorrow.
will be the last week of school for me. then there is
my first anniversary. OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT. then ... tuesday i got to help my grams clean the house and floor.
wednesday is
valentine's day. thursday ... i have no idea ; just yet. friday ...
seems like i have to go down to chee na town , go tanning with my sister and watch matthew at his little concert in school. saturday will be ...
reunion dinner. sunday would be chee na new year already.
another year. another chance at redemption.to god be the glory.i need all the help and redemption i can possibly get.karma's not helping.
kaaye\.- i wonder ;
what i'd turn out if not for you.
memories locked at Sunday, February 11, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
buah ha ha.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO WEI WEI !!!happy 2nd year.=))
after so long ...
we're still so close.ha ha.
whoever said changing of class would cause us to drift.
wee ...
kaaye\.
- talk about life.friends are important.
memories locked at Wednesday, February 07, 2007
i am actually thinking of how to convey the emotions into actions. or into words for that very matter.
i can't put into words properly on how it really is. let's put this in for starters.
i have 3 issues; in my not so bright brain. 1 - my friends ; they don't seem very supportive in my relationship. or at least it seems like it.2 - my family ; i rather not talk about it.3 - someone / thing else. its going to eat me out soon. i still remember vaguely the day that i told myself ...
'patience kaye ; in time to come ... you'd get someone. just like every other happy soul there is on earth'. sure enough , patience made its way and
WALA ... i got someone. its wierd that i actually got someone this nice. just when i thought the world was filled with only ...
souls that shouldn't exist , since they are so bad.
my family ...
i rather not talk about it.someone. this someone or something.
ITS GOING TO KILL ME !!! argh. ask and i will tell. bloody hell ... argh !!!
kaaye\.- what is the world to do when everything ;turns grey.
memories locked at Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
nothing's ever the same.always remember ;
nothing will ever be the same once its once. everything changes.everything can't stand stagnant.
remember kaye.
everything changes.kaaye\.- so what now.
memories locked at Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
there is nothing in this world i can do.until you're back here baby.miss you ;want you.need you so.are you thinking of me.caus ei am thinking fo you.and i wonder ;are you ever coing back into my life.=
i feel wierd.
there are something
i can't let go off.they affect me.all so much.
then i am left wondering ;
WHY BOTHER.kaaye\.- rain rain go away ;you're the only thing i can ever do.
memories locked at Monday, February 05, 2007
Sunday, February 04, 2007
the place we went to.
some jap ; western thingy.
=))
ling and her eggs.
wei wei and her pigs.
me and my cow.
PS - its so small la.
the key's uber nice please.
=
VALENTINE'S LUNCHY !!!!with girlfriends ; wei and ling.=))
we went to this japanese ; western thingy at like bugis. and like
its uberly nice. cause the ambience is uber nice. and like the food is in huge portions.
GUESS WHO'S THE ONE EATING MOST OF EVERYTHING. expect for pork that is. =))
oh ... and not to mention right ... we went shopping.
lingy had gotten 2 tops. i got something for silly gf. and wei ... i can't remember what she bought. BLOODY HELL I NEED TO GO FIND PANTS FOR CHEE NA NEW YEAR.
yes yes.
I MISS WEI ; DEE AND STUPID JING JONG !!!kaaye\.- into what you deem right ;but into everything you see wrong.i'm there.
memories locked at Sunday, February 04, 2007
because you are mine ;i walk the line.i find it very very easy to be true.i find myself alone , when each day is through.beause you are mine ;i walk the line.the night is dark and the day is light.i keep you warm both day and night.=
those eyes that never shed a tear.
its not like you would know how much terror i am living with. its become my soulmate.
its become something i can't live without and i can't live with. its come to a point where by
i think i give up. i don't like arguing.
i don't like being in this state. what makes you think that :
- i like to cut myself.- i like to have to stop myself from doing things.- i like to see people cry for me.- i like to take pills to stay sane.- i like to smoke.- i like to drink.- i like to make people worry.- i like to stay like this.- i like to go to my shrink.- i like to go into one of my many crazy fits.- i like to go insane.- i like to be 'like this'.you think i like to be like this.
which part of me is so difficult to understand. am i doing everything wrong.
am i doing everything all so wrong that you can't even bare to turn your eyes on me. that one look at me would hit you so bad
that you would die , for even trying to do so.
i don't understand it. is it so hard to make it a point to say hi and everything else. its so hard to be alive and not be wanted.correction : wanted by your own father.i am in this little fight
since i was young. what people don't understand ; behind all my smiles and everything my family 'so -called' gives ...
do they know the tears and the cries that line each and every smile and laughter. no ; relationship problems
are not the worst that can happen to one's life.
ITS FAMILY PROBLEMS. everything you do ; everything you see ; everything that you thought you knew ;
everything is just but a mere lie.no one can imagine.
no one can even come close to thinking and feeling what i am feeling and thinking now. cause no one would be able to understand. i have to keep sane for the sake of
those who i hold close to my heart. my mother asked me ;
'why do you treat your friends and you take them more seriously than that of your own family'. i have but one answer ...
'when i needed anyone to hold me before i fall down ; where you there??'kaaye\.- enough of this world ;laughing behind my back ,and grinding there teeth.
memories locked at Sunday, February 04, 2007