Tuesday, October 31, 2006
starring : wei wei , ling and kaye. =)) =
okay. those were the pics that were taken like yesterday. omfg. we were at the sports hall. it was p[retty fun and everything.
CAMERA WHORED is the word. =)) buah haha.
i don't know what i am going to do without them. shot some hoops and made fun of netballers. buah ha ha. i tell you ... netball. hmm ... sorry.
inside joke kinda thing. heh.
anyways ,
today is not that good. but its not that bad either. today is A&P !!! omfg. my favourite lesson. and
NO. i am not going to let anything get me down. cause its my favourite lesson. buah ha ha. =))
so may god help me.
i think i am getting myself back into something.but ,
this time with a twist. hope.
kaaye\.- so help me god.
its the last straw.
memories locked at Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
wait wait.
i think i should repost to what i said earlier.
let me update.
=
YESTERDAY aka FRIDAY !!!i went to see my ling play vball. for the first time !!!
wei wei and i went to like the stupid sports complex which was like at the
other end of stupid school. for the love of god.
FAR IS THE WORD. and we even had to run. but whichever , i think that it was worth it. WORTH MAN !!! well ... considering that
RP won. YES. it is worth it. heh.
went to like TP to watch them play. it was actually quite interesting to see like
kangaroos trying to catch balls !!! buah ha ha.
FLYING BALLS to be exact. heh. =)) but it was fun. afterwhich we went for dinner. at like ... genki sushi or something. and since they won - which i think that they so ; deserve the win. it was my treat !!! ha ha.
went home shortly ; then slept.
=
TODAY !!! - SATURDAY.went to like work. yours truly was the mid shifter. heh. 12 - 5 please. =)) buah ha ha. i had alot of fun.
denyse came to visit !!! and so did my
grams and cj. buah ha ha.
got to work with bro too !!! before gazel and i went to vivo for awhile.
heading home to change in no time after eating ;
uber nice HAR KAOS from food republic !!! changed , slakced a little then went to town to meet
mummeh and eugene. omfg. ... eugene was like
dressed in the same colour code as me please. ha ha. LOL. and it was his 22nd b'dae !!! ha ha. love and miss him tons.
headed down to zouk aft dinner at bk. heh. omfg. the crowd was horrid.
krystal came just in time. ha ha. LOL. long time no see her. cept for clubbing evenets like such !!! even though the company was good ... the
crowd situation was fucking bad please. left early. and went to
MAXWELL MARKET !!! sat a talked till like 4 plus plus plus. and here i am typing the entry.
I AM SLEEPY AND TIRED.BYE BYE FUCKERS.i am going to get dress now.
heh.
kaaye\.- a reaction was what ;
i only wanted.
i think.
memories locked at Saturday, October 28, 2006
YESTERDAY I WENT TO WATCH LING PLAY VBALL !!! they were against like nee ann. heh heh.
AND THEY WON !!! swee la. so happy for then please. i mean .. they did deserve the win ; indefinately. oh my tian.
i am damn happy for her. for real man.okay , wait.
i know its short.
but i have to leave.
I AM LATE.
ONCE AGAIN.heh.
update again.
kaaye\.- it is be the last dance.
i can't figure you out.
and i am too tired.
memories locked at Saturday, October 28, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
喝纯白的豆浆是纯白的浪漫
望着你可爱脸庞和你纯真的模样
我傻傻对你笑是你忧愁解药你说我就像油条很简单却很美好
我知道你和我就像是豆浆油条
要一起吃下去味道才会是最好
你需要我的傻笑我需要你的拥抱
爱情就需要这样它才不会单调我知道有时候也需要吵吵闹闹
但始终也知道只有你对我最好
豆浆离不开油条让我爱你爱到老
爱情就需要这样它才幸福美好我知道都知道你知道你都知道
好不好别偷笑让我知道好不好别偷笑让我知道就好
我喝完热豆浆眷恋着还想要
你吃完金黄油条爱情又要再发酵=
i am in the most swingy mood ever. i don't know why. the thing being that ... i regret.
i fucking regret doing everything that i did. i am not going to say that ... it helps me gain like experience or something.
cause for the love of god right ... i am still so bloody affect by everything that she does. by every single that that happens towards her , who she is with , that sense of
jealousy is still there. i don't know why. it hurts ???
YES. you can fucking hell bet on it. god damn it.
BET ON IT. i am still in that very narrow lane. alone.
no she is not going to come back and hold your hand.everytime you hear those familiar foot steps
you hide and blend into the surroundings. why ???
you don't even know. you can't even understand that very significant part.
then you ask yourself.
what is there to explan.its over and done with. so ... that should be just it right. leave it alone and let it fade , like it never ever took place.
EVER. but you just can't do it.people.
i am this close to breaking down in class. its not a good day. ITS NOT. its
NOT A FUCKING GOOD DAY FOR ME. i want to cry my eyes out ; scream my lungs out ; i want to be alone.
BUT I CAN'T ;
YES. this is HOW WEAK I REALLY AM. talk about life.
kaaye\.- you know ;
i know that you don't deserve anything.
but ,
then why.
memories locked at Thursday, October 26, 2006
the count down to the days have begun. its currently like ...
8 more days to that date. i know i shouldn't be dwelling into the details to this extent and everything.
YES I KNOW. but i can't help it. i always think and feel that the
details are more important than the whole bloody situation. to think that everything i planned out was nothing but futile and everything is useless.
WAIT. more then just useless.
but what can i say.
its LIFE.my life.on the brighter side ,
i have my lappy back. after
fucking the fujitsu man till the was fucking speechless and that we went dumb for that split second. thank god he was smart and shut the hell up when i was scolding and cursing the whole bloody service center ... if not. i would have already thrown a bloody chair into his face.
YES. i was that bloody irritated and my temper was nothing but short.
HA ! what a surprise. HA !
went to like ... town after that. meet
steph and this new friend ... named ...
'i know her name starts with an A'. HA ! never mind. than ... slacked around. i went to get my hair trimmed.
IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. EVEN THOU I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO CUT ; IT BOOSTS MORALE. HA ! then yes. went to forum.
I AM GOING TO DRESS UP AS DOCTOR and steph as NURSE. buah ha ha. LOL. erm ...
role play PLEASE ... met my
mother , sister and dee dee !!!never mind ... went to get my suit done after that !!! omfg. the shop was nice , never mind.
I HAVE MY DREAM JACKET. its like
pinned stripped ; the insde is lined with lime green silk from tibet or something ; the tailor's from zegna. SWEE LA !!! omfg. damn nice. its like a 3 button , single breasted , pretty black suit. BUAH HA HA. come on man.
what is there not to like. right ??? *beams.
went to have dinner at like city hall then dee and i went to tiong to sit and talk. its not a good thing. but
i am sure we are going to get through somehow. DEE , i will always be here for you. especially for you. *coughs. ( unless i am sleeping and can't hear the phone , this sentance does not apply. ) ha ha. LOL. love you girl. crying doesn't solve everything. look on the bright side. GOT ME. buah ha ha. yes yes. that was today.
yesterday ... went out with
wei wei and yuhong. heh. went all over the place. went to like get stuff here and there ... slacked around at like ... marina. then went home. to get my stuff to get my arse to steph's place.
WE WENT TO MOS !!! swee la. with mel ong as well ... let me tell you something ...
WE WERE ALL FUCKING HIGH. i tell you ... there was like no other higher then this kinda high. and please ...
i forgot to get this girl's number. steph says that she is hot. i think so too. she danced with me.
PLEASE. SHE DANCED with ME. not the other way around. ha ha. LOL.
and i think she has the hottest legs.tell me about it.
i am going to study for my anatomy and psyiology test tomorrow.
BUAH BYE.
CHEE BIES.HA !
kaaye\.- and to everything no avial.
i still.
memories locked at Thursday, October 26, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
give me one more day ;
one more second.in those never returning arms of yours.
things were all so clear.
why couldn't i get it clear.everything was yours.
to begin and end.
i can't live without.
without in my life.
who was i to kid.can't wait.
i can't live.
i can't.
all the days filled with sadness.
to it be all i ever had.this is the end.
don't want to let it bleed.
i can't stop.its all over.i can't believe it.
my heart's no more there.
not like you ever felt the way i did.i've given up everything.
just for one more shot in life.
and to it.no avail.i am feeling for all the wrong things.
for all the wrong things in life.take me away.
kaaye\.- all i wanted to be.
was everything you wanted.
memories locked at Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
the box is packed.
the packed aligned.everything is finally put to where it should somehow rightfully be ;
but i am not ready.i don't know what i am waiting for. its all packed and ready to leave. the box full of the things
i once so treasured. and frankly , speaking i still do. but who's to care anyway , everything is gone and salvaging it is like
having sand run through your fingers. it is as it is.
it is as rough and raw as it can get. everything is packed. its just a matter of time. i want the things out of my house. asap. what is the rush ??? i don't know.
i just want them out of my house and ... for them to turn into something i knew all so long before , and yet can't put a label to them. for all the wrong things , i feel. for all the wrong things.
4 hours of crying and wailing is enough. puffed eyes be gone. its going to be a year. take a break.
BREATHE kaye. BREATHE. and even if you don't ... force yourself to. i don't know what is real and what is fiction no more ... its getting into a bigger mess than what i first thought it was.
i don't know anymore and its freaking the hell out of me. its four hours of maddness that brought about the tiny eyes and little energy for anything that dealt with everything that i loved today. the box taunts. you know what i mean. even thou they are just sitting there in my room. the things inside
invade a memory that needs to be erased.its not helping.
=
you know when you told me , you would wait for me. i believed your every word. cause when i turned back all i saw was your back facing me. your eyes and ears were no more mine. they had already belonged to someone else. but then why did you fish me like a fish on a line. reeling it in and letting it go whenever and where ever you please. i am going to stand up on my own. cause your promises were all and evrything futile i am sorry for being such an arse. i gave you everything i could ; forsaken everything that i could. and to no avial. nothing ever happens.kaaye\.- if giving up was a good thing.
i wouldn't be like this.
memories locked at Monday, October 23, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
so yes , i am back on prozac people.
back on it ...and
hating every single second of it.
your eyes and face.
ever the same.
how could i forget that sweet look upon your face.
those troubles , weary eyes ...
tell your story ; still.
that particular way of walking about with ,
a strunt.
i can never forget.i wanted you to know i was there.
and yet , i didn't.
i could never forget you.who was i to kid.when they say forever ;
it might be deemed as futile.
but when i say never ;
believe me.
how do i tell you ;
i miss you.when you ain't even there.
i've lost you.i know.
there are no need for tears.
- i tell myself.
kaaye\.- so let it be.
i've forsaken everything.
ofr one more chance ;
but i've given up.
memories locked at Saturday, October 21, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
i think i got the runt of the whole lot.
i am not feeling the leat bit happy.
surprise surprise.
nothing to be overly excited by.
neither is is something to be totally happy with.
can someone tell me what is going on with my life ??? i sit here with a cig in one hand and grabbing on to the can of beer every 2 minutes. i know i smile. i know i laugh. but at the end of the day ; its nothing more then just a moment. you know ... a 'moment'. i fear of something everytime i do something.
i am having problems. i just brawled by eyes out. that hasn't happen in a gazillion ages. not to this extent at least. and you know what was the best thing ??? i brawled my eyes out in front of my aunt. i love her. she was and is the only one that might understand what i am going through. i told her everything from being gay to being cynical to be a depression patient to her being the only one to knows i am in the navy and i smoke like there is no tomorrow. at least she knows what it feels like , my parents just think ... 'its just a phase , it'd blow over soon enough'. i am waiting all so patiently. tell me. tell me la. TELL ME.
did i mention , i just smoke a whole fucking pack. CONGRATS to myself.
i don't even know why am i crying. i feel like a joke. there are too many things surrounding everything i am or what i want to be. everything is on my mind. everything. charis is still in my thoughts and i frankly hate it. then there is this family problem that i can't get over , i feel like an atm to my family. then there is the school , friends and well ... just me. i feel like a joke. a fucking mistake. i feel so fucked up.
is this a breakdown ??? i don't know. i am going to my psy tomorrow. i don't know !!! i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i really don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. nothing's ever been right since the day that i fell into depression last year. NOTHING !!! nothing. nothing nothing. NOTHING.
and this is the only place i can say everything out with the ease of none. thanks so very very much. i feel like a jerk. have i done everything wrong ot deserve something so bad as this ??? i don't know.
i am fat.
i am ugly.
i am obnoctious.
i am irritating.
i am fucked up.
i am useless.
i am stupid.
i am dumb.
i am nothing.
i am a spendthrift.nical.
i am depressed.
i am a person with no life.
i am redundant.
i am nobody.
i am not reliable.
i am not responsible.
i am not worthy.
i am the least bit normal.
i am wierd.
i am eccentric.
i am nothing i want to be.
i am lost.
i am loose.
i am cynical.
i am a loser.
i am damaged.
i am insensitive.
i am grumpy.
i am possessive.
i am bad.
i am hidious.
i am NOONE.
i am an aspiring officer.
i am everything you fear you become.
i am.
what have i become.
kaaye\.
- why.
memories locked at Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
OMFG.
i am so bloody stressed.i almost fainted in the mrt today. went to like ... get a cab to school.
and the bloody uncle went around the whole of singapore please. from jurong to my school its like ... 14 +++. from my school to town is only 13. who the hell you want to fuck around with man. omfg.
i am so freaking pissed. NO TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY.
my head's going bonkers. and i want to die. ... school's worse. they changed the fac , and its like only 11 but
i have already given up on today by the time i reached 9. tell me i am good.
and not to mention , i have like the birthdays to add on ,
the reservations , the invatation designs , the printings and not to mention i have a UT later on. omfg. PLEASE HELP. the birthday is driving me nuts. cause i have to help dee and wei wei as well.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
i am so bloody stressed.
yesterday was pretty fun.
went for the jap buffet with beat.heh.
then went to meet
meimei gazel and wei wei !!!buah ha ha. headed to like vivocity. had a hell lot of things to buy ... but i didn't get any. my wish list is
kinda stagnant. for one thing is that , i think i have enough of stuff. and the only real stuff i need would be
the suit and also the pair of boot cuts. the rest is still ... made done with. OH not to mention , underwear. i need them. heh.
went to meet
bro , dee and hue after that. had spag's for dinner. woo wee ... then walked around , dee got a new shirt whch i think looks damn nice on her. THEN WE WENT HOME. and i am still fucking lazy. and
SLEEPY NOW PLEASE.i need to breathe !!!
omfg.
kaaye\.- let me live one more time ;
with you in my life.
memories locked at Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
SMOKING IS BETTER THEN HAZE.think about it.
if i smoke ... only like i would be affected. RIGHT ???
but haze affects everyone. EVERYONE. the haze has been getting worse and worse. and i tell you if it is still her during my b'dae ia m going to buy everyone
masks and oxygen tanks or something along those lines. ITS PURE MADNESS PLEASE.
I HATE THE HAZE.its tuesday. i slept at like ... 2030 hours last night. am i still sleepy ??? you bet'cha !!!
i am so fucking sleepy. i think i have neglected my sleeping hours. i need to stay in more often during the weekends to keep mysleep patterns
NORMAL. in a way you'd think i am mad. like sleeping for 12 hours +++++ heh heh heh. just like going for a buffet. they tell you .. $32.
then you wait 5 seconds before the lists of plus-es are stated. ha ha.
lessons in school are kinda okay i figure ??? today's circuit analysis and yesterday was anatomy and physiology. fucking interesting. anything is
better then engineering modules. ANYTHING !!! wait ... except for like the IT stuff. everything is much better then engineering stuff.
I SWEAR !!! i am going to have a test later on and
i am praying to any god out there to let me get a B !!!tomorrow i am going to be meeting
bro and dee. i don't know if
hue is coming. but yes , its still going to be on even if she is not going to be coming. to add on to that jazz and excitement.
i am going for the japanese buffet tomorrow !!! with
beatrice. don't ask. but yes. we are going. than i think i am meeting
gazel for awhile before meeting bro and dee dee !!! =)) muah muah. i can't wait for tomorrow. i am hoping she wakes up late. NOPE.
I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY. not like beatrice doesn't know.
I HOPE SHE WAKES UP LATE OR FORGETS ABOUT IT IN TOTAL. than it wouldn't be so bloody akward. fuck.
i need to go for a holiday.anywhere would do.
kaaye\.
- no, i am still not over you.
but that's not going to change anything.
you made it snap.
memories locked at Monday, October 16, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
say helo to my new top(s).
the perfect formal NOSTRIL shoe. =))
the portions are huge !!!
SPAG MEAT BALL !!! woo wee ...
now. as i said ; no one.
NO ONE CAN BEAT MY MOTHER.
=
elo elo. know what ...
today i went shopping. as in shopping. i bought
endless underwears , a sportsbra , a singlet , a knitted top and went for foot reflex. buah ha ha. with my parents of course. heh heh. believe it or not
the singlet was from mango. i love it. =)) love it to bits man. its like lime-ish green. yup. think i am going to wear it to school tomorrow or something. wee wee ...
and gymming sessions is like ...
stagnant. as in ...
still uncomfirmed. we want to work out. but working out doesn't really mean that we have to like ... embarrass ourselves in the process.
RIGHT !!!??? heh heh. =))
well ...
the week has has been good. went out with my
little sister yesterday. we went to cedele at great world yesterday for lunch.
dee dee works there !!! and it was
damn nice of her to give us the discount. ha ha. then headed down to harbour to see bro and the whole crew. met
wei wei , ling and na na after that. omfg. i tell you ... i tell you ...
it was fucking fun. then headed back to harbour.
ATE AGAIN !!! this time at han's. heh heh. from there ... went down town. got some stationeries. in like a split 3 secs , we decided to go to KBOX !!! swee la. and i got bullied.
6 ICY COLD HANDS ON ONE VERY WARM BACK. no my sister wasn't involved. so ...
try picturing that. you put the puzzle together. heh.
went home after that.
the PSI was horrid. oh ... did i mention ling and
i bought a huge huggable TURTLE !!! omfg. its the cutest thing alive man. I SWEAR TO GOD !!! its freaking cute man. woo ...
i am going to bathe and sleep now.
bloody good weekend.i am tired.
kaaye\.- so , anything to say in your defence.
cause ...
there might be a case.
memories locked at Sunday, October 15, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
so yesterday was not good. as in like ... the afternoon and morning wasn't that good. but i am sure that the later part of the whole day did the 3 of us good. as in
ming , dee dee and i. we went to the
chocolate buffet at one fullerton !!! sweet reverie man !!! yes ,
i still do hate chocolate. but yesterday ... chocolate was not just chocolate ... there were so much stuff there to fucking hell eat !!! it was like ... a fraking chocolate GALORE !!! omfg.
CHOCOLATE ... EVERYTHING !!! the cakes were fabulous. and the service ,
definately immaculate. when i arrived at the stand where
we waited less then 5 seconds to get our table , the conversation went like this :
ME : 'hi.'
manager : 'you must be miss kaaye ong.'
ME : 'how did you know ???'
manager : *smiles.
omfg. please.
this is what you call service , plates that were used were never on our table for less then 5 mins. the drinks were always refilled , the people were like so friendly and at the same time ... mindful of manners ; the thankyous and the please. omg. i was in heaven. i really really felt that way man !!! tian.
SERVICE TO ITS LIMIT. we had a
fucking great time at that place please.
headed down to iguana !!! =)) buah ha ha.
magaritas please ... we had a good time last night. a really good one.
good food ; good ambience ; good company. what more can we ask for !!! and its like ...
the 2nd week in a row. sweet !!! its going to be a routine and tradition if we carry this up !!!
totally rawkin'.but as i write this entry ,
my little picture box turns to the pic that i kinda abhore the most now ; and the radio played 'tong hua'. hello stupid idiot.
never mind ;
i am going to vivo later with wei and ling and sissy. =))toodles.fuck everything else.
kaaye\.- so who do i listen to ;
i've got no idea.
memories locked at Friday, October 13, 2006
today is
friday the 13th. trust me its nothing but bad. today. YES TODAY. there was drama in class. cause of
ming and the facilitator that we have for digital electronics.
YES. NOTHING BUT MELO DRAMA. but there was a case behind it all ... so i have nothing to say. yes. yes.
i am having domestic problems. WAIT. let me rephrase.
I HAVE A SERIOUS DOMESTIC PROBLEM. i don't like staying home for alot of reasons.
i stay at home , and get scolded from either parent.
i stay home , and get asked to get offline.
i stay home , and get jissed at.
i stay home , and get people talking about money everytime they open their gabs.
i stay at home , and i have to put on a face.
i stay home , and i can't be me.
i stay home and i get fucked left right and center.
i stay home , and wait for my time to go to hell. YES.
i stay home for the aforementioned reasons.
so tell me ...
WHY SHOULD I STAY HOME. cause frankly ,
i don't see a point in even trying to do anything about it. i have parents who lie through their teeth and say that it was a
total misunderstanding. the only person i have confidence in and trust would be
my little sister who might never understand what kinda state i am in. there is no one to head to except my psy. who thinks of my dad as a god. but in reality
NO. yes. so tell me ... what should i stay home.
i got fucked by my fucking dad for this. no i am not going to give in. its futile. you hear me ??? FUTILE.
fucking hell FUTILE. i need to run to a place so far away , eternity would turn into
an understatement. i don't find serenity at home or security for that matter. i find it in myself dwilding into nothing.
i hate my fucking life.not to mention the parent who thinks ;
he owns me.
oh ...
trust me.this is merely the begining of the ignoring parade.
kaaye\.- just when i thought my troubles are over.
here ;
someone plays pop goes the weasle.
memories locked at Friday, October 13, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
i just got a little scolding from dad.cause i bought that pair of pedro shoes.
i think they are funky.and i have nothing to say in my defense.
cept that they are nice and it would be
dumb not to buy them.i really think that they are FUCKING NICE LA.please.
met
dee today.
went to get her boyfriend stuff.
then like walked around town.
had OMU rice for dinner !!!muah muah.
fucking full.then
WHILE HEADING TO THE MRT.we walked into pedro.
and the rest was history.i will take a pic tmr and upload it.
cause you've got to love it.
its brown and hole-ly.nice. heh.
its a formal shoe. (FYI)headed down to harbour to meet
bro.it was bloody busy.thank god i wasn't working.
but i did help along the way.
here and there la.
all the 'wu eh bo eh'.fun ; yes.
but it was getting late.
so dee dee and i left.tomorrow i am meeting them again.
cause bro wants to get her hair cut.
we'd see how the ball rolls.but most probably ...
YES.my sister wants to go to vivo.
kaaye\.
- its going to be thursday.
my defences are crumbling.
memories locked at Wednesday, October 11, 2006
i am fucking stuck in this asylum.
i can't run from it.cause the every last time i tried ...
they all back fired like no one's business.and to think that i was going to give up.
and to think that ...
i managed to pull over it once. and not forgetting the second time. the third one's coming. i can feel it. what is the matter with me !!! oh my fucking god. what the fuck is wrong.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. i am so fcking fucked up. i am so fucking pissed. and i am so fucking tired.what is the point of having someone at your beck and call ??? when all you do is treat her like a subsitute or a friend with benefits when she loves you like you're all she has. but not to mention ...
everytime you get intimate , your mind plays the image of another person. the one long before. cause she's all you think about till now.
you told her
to forget you.the smartest move you can bring your mind to think of. but guess what ... its backfiring , and you're the one that's getting the runt of the whole experience of falling into the unknown.
no one else knows. no one else feels the same way as you do. no one.
=
explaining myself is getting futile.so i give up ;
trying to.
its as messed up.kaaye\.- falling into the unknown.
i can't be bothered to try see ;
what lies in front of me.
not anymore.
memories locked at Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
so there i was.
on the bus '123'.
and
i was busy blasting 'sway' by bic runga on my pda.its ironic.
funny thoughts started to fill my mind. i didn't know where they came from , but they did. like a
sudden rush of emotions and images ... good or bad ... bitter or sweet came flooding through my head.
like one of bittersweet moments you would love to hate so much. it brought a tear to my eye , but before the next tear squeezed itself out from my tearduct ;
the first tear dried up. i think its just me. so the song kept playing on the way home. all the way home to be exact.
loud and clear. each word stabbing my heart with a
shaper knife each time i hear that same tune , those same words ; that
someone so fucking hell important once sang along to. 'its a disease. and i am going to overcome it.' that's what i told myself. cause , i knew , cause i know ...
its eating me alive.and anything that eats you alive ,
will be defined as a disease. would it not be ??? its a disease that
no medicine can cure ; no operation can fix. the only cure ... its mind over matter. i tell myself ,
'be strong , you're stronger then you think'. people think i am as strong as an ox. PEOPLE - 'i am no harder than the mango pudidng you have at crystal jade ;
or that steamed tofu you have at the hawker'.the song played :
'don't stray , don't ever go away.
i should have been too smart for this ,
you know it gets the btter of me.
sometimes , when you and i collide.
i fall into an ocean.
but you pull me out in time.
don't let me drown.
let me down.i say its all because of you.here i go ...
loosing my control.say you're going to stay.
don't come and go like you do.
sway my way.
yeah , i need to know all about you.'
that stabbed my heart so bad.
i was this close to loosing it on the bus. and to think that
i was sedated. rather , i thought that i was. i really thought i was. why am i in this shit. i don't know. can i ever get out of this.
I BEG. ... i am so afraid , so very very afraid that i loose it. trust me or not ...
if i loose it this time ... there's no such thing as a return.this is the last straw.
and its burning away with the fire ;
every single second of this life.cause to me.
i am already dead to begin with ;
i just don't understand why my body still moves.i don't.do you.tell me.
please ???
kaaye\.- its all because of you.
stay like you said you would.
don't go.
memories locked at Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
its all changed.
my plans that is.
for tomorrow and thursday.
=))
swee la.
went to the gym yesterday with vi and wei. omfg. it was uber cool. i think cause of the company , we didn't even like feel tired or anything. which i think is
supposed to be a good thing or something. whichever it is ...
YES. we went ot the gym and i am loving it. ALOT ALOT. =)) heh heh.
tomorrow i am going to head out with
denyse. and then visit
bro at the store. cause , its getting
real busy and then they don't really have enough people working. so ... YES. i want to go work. for free and everything. i don't mind. =)) its starbucks.
PLEASE. clean tables and stuff. heh.
but first ... tonight to watch the movie 'decent' with
ling. its at ceni. please ...
'yu mo guai guai fai ti zhao'. oh my gawd. and know what ... my pay's not in yet. ... this sucks. ... i don't want to see.
i want more money !!!i want my pay.
kaaye\.- its not over.
memories locked at Monday, October 09, 2006
did i mention ???
old school's the method.i don't know what i am getting done here.
but its
effecting me more then i know it.its freaking me out.
and i wonder what's going to be next.
i am so afraid to see.but i want to.cause i know it pleases my heart.
but my mind turns on itself , and shots himself right into the foot.someone enlighten me.
what is really going on.i might look as if everything is fine.
keep the stories to a minimal.whenever i can ;
i try.but can you see the waves and under currents that ...
line every single word i say.
i am so lost....
i don't even know what i means anymore.yes.that is how
compunctious i am.
not to mention cynical.
thankyou.what more can i say.
you messed me up really bad.thanks.
kaaye\.
memories locked at Monday, October 09, 2006
Saturday, October 07, 2006
so the PSI's looking up.
its got to be a good thing.
right ???
considering ... yesterday
i almost choked on the air i breathed. and like
went giddy the minute i walked out of my room. not to mention my house. =)) its all better today. at least it feels this way. heh. whichever it is , the weather's looking up. and its all good cause that means
my friends won't get the chance of falling sick. heading out soon to meet little
denyse. at queensway. omfg. i can't wait.
i need my new shoes. omfg. and we are going to go out.
[GOING OUT MEANS SMOKING !!! AND SMOKING TILL I START CHOKING AGAIN. woo ... that insatiable desire of the clouded air choking my larynx.] i am still like ... reading prozac nation ... i wonder if i am going to turn out like the person who wrote the book.
i don't want to live in depression for such a long time. omfg.
=
and
i still can't sleep with my toes under my sheets.
or have my burger before my fries.to consume fries without squeezing all the mayo and chilli out first.
having to put back things into place.
avoiding looking inside the car and just keep quiet.or just the mere sense of sleeping without anything.
fill in the blanks.
_ _ _ _ _ you screwed my life up so bad.and to think
i still can't let you go.let me understand why.
kaaye\.- if everything was back into place.
if's ; the moving word.
memories locked at Saturday, October 07, 2006
for the love of god.
the haze does not want to go away.and i am suffering from the after effects.
my migraines are coming back. LIKE ELO !!! bloody hell. i am so
going to die faster if the haze persists. i swear i am going to. cause for one ,
i have been smoking alot. since ... last sat till this sat around
5 and a half pacs ??? i don't know if that is considered alot. but
YES. i think it is. and to add on to the breathing in of hazy air. omfg.
i think i am definately going to die even younger then expected. omfg. never mind. headed to town at aroundd 1930 ??? waited till like 2015 for
miss nina to appear. heading down to iseatan for dinner. you know the food complex around the theatres ??? yeah. there. waited for
shi mei to come ... then headed to ceni. and i went to meet little
denyse. heh heh. i felt bad that she was waiting for me. omfg. i really felt bad.
we talked. and
tomorrow we are meeting !!! swee boh. we are meeting on a sunday !!! =)) heh heh heh. i want to find my running shoes and dee wants to go to ...
i don't know. we are going to queensway. =)) heh heh heh. i can't wait. i think we are going to ikea.
I CAN'T WAIT !!!so yes. now off to bathe.
and to bed.
i am finally giving into fate.
I AM LKK.(lao kock kock.)omfg.
kaaye\.- you never fail to line my thoughts ;
and i don't know why.
i just want you out of mine.
memories locked at Saturday, October 07, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
oh my freaking god.
i am actually up at 10.imagine that.oh my gawd. anyways ,
'HELLO PROXIMITY !!!'. okay , i know that
i am a little mad here. but i think that
someone's extremely cute and i
can't stop thinking of her. its so extremely wierd. i think its infatuation. i seriously think so. like those
childish thingys going on. yeah. that kinda thingy. oh my gawd.
ITS GOT TO BE INFATUATION. yes wei wei ... i know she's overly innocent.
FINE.i think i can can inocent too wad.RIGHT !!??
*beams.
went for dinner with
lingy , gel and ju yesterday.
went to mount faber and yes. as usual , we did something all so stupid. we had to play some ...
game with the 933 dj's. i won 20 dollars worth of vouchers. but it was heather who was suposed to be the one
PLAYING !!! fucking hell !!! it was so not funny la.
my chinese really cannot make it can !!!it was
utterly embarrassing and if i see my picture on any magazine ... i am going to find heather for it.
I SERIOUSLY AM !!! its not a threat ,
its A FACT !!! argh ... never mind. it was in the name of fun and stupidity. buah ha ha. =))
headed down to city hall to meet
dee dee and ming. ended up at balcony cause the stupid loof was freaking full. and if there is no table ... then there is
no point in even staying there. really. but i was really nice. so we were at balcony.
sat for abit then CHAO !!! cause the both of them have work today. and yes. i know ...
i get paid for doing absolutely nothing ??? except studying that is. =))
i am going back to sleep.
outta here.
kaaye\.- i am so tired of pondering ;
of what you want from me.
memories locked at Friday, October 06, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
this is like ...
my 5th time at this very page. i try to post an entry.
but everytime i compose one.
i end up stop writing it half way.serioulsy speaking , its
getting difficult on trying how to express my thoughts. its a matter of how you phrase it.
YES , i know. but ... its also a matter of how to get those emotions into words. in a certain sense. am i right ???
i am so sick of trying to be normal. i actually feel like
i am choking on air , yes. in its very raw form.
i stopped taking prozac. its day 7. i am feeling perfectly fine.
I THINK. and i really hope so. my xanax , mild lithium and sedative pills are all not working. my littlw fantasy world is breaking down. and i am reading 'prozac nation'. trust me. if you want to know how i feel ...
read the book. cause the author manages to express herself better then me. and i am feeling the exact same way as she is.
very much the same. really.
school has been pretty fun.
i love my new class and all. can't wait for tomorrow. cause i will be meeting everyone. its the lantern festival tomorrow.
i miss jenny. cause dee , jen and i used to light
lucky candles. one for everyone. we make little wishes for each of them. and yeah. blow them out there after. i don't know why we do it.
but i believe it works. and its like a little tradition kinda thingy. i miss jen.
after meeting them i think i am going to meet my class mates for drinks or something. saturday will be with another group of classmates.
to vivo city !!! swee la. then mos with mel ong at night. sunday's the rest day. *crosses fingers. at least i think.
sweet reverie. PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE. this is what i do ... to keep my mind off you.she popped me on IM today. i didn't know how to react.
i didn't see a reason to why i have got to reply.
but i did.less then 5 words.
is it a good thing ??i don't know.
i just know. ...
she is so bad for health ...
she is poison in its purest form.you'd never find another.
kaaye\.- you're sweet poison ...
seeping into my veins.
memories locked at Thursday, October 05, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
its
TUESDAY !!! oh my gawd. i have the same
DUMBFOUNDED FAC AS LAST SEMESTER. what freaking luck. anyways , yes. it wasn't that bad. considering i have a class who's pretty much
very interesting and always there to entertain. little did i know , my class mate actually works at the sub way at harbour !!! omfg. talk about small world.
PLEASE. so yes , there was big time slacking happening all over class.
i think i burnt and kinda fused ;
an IC chip.i don't think it costs that much anyway. so yes. but whichever ,
the lab was irritating , and liang was busy showing me different clips of
dumb stuff on this metacafe webbie. i think its much more interesting then youtube. seriously. you guys should check it out. went opposite for lunch. good chicken rice ,
at least better then the one that we have in school. heh.
headed home after school.
i couldn't take the heat from class. it was so dense. the air was so heavy.
my eye lids couldn't stop itself from giving into gravity. OMFG. please ... anyways YES. headed home. sleptand went to harbour to meet
bro. sb was having a little store meeting. and their new choco is like the
best thing on earth !!! slacked around big time ... had dinner. talked.
SLACKED. smoked my lungs outt. heh. -
not that i am complaining.then yes.
TOMORROW - i am going to pick
bro up and then meet
dee later on. =)) can't wait. what would life be without friends and orange juice.
(i have come to get a little addicted with orange juice , especially when i type blog entries ... i have to have an ice cold cuppa. BRO ; SUCH AN INFLUENCE. heh.)so yes.
till tomorrow.
and hopefully.
the days without prozac works.its like ...
DAY 5. for now.
and i feel normal ; i think.
kaaye\.- i need to get you out of my system ;
before you eat me alive.
memories locked at Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
qing ai de and i. =)) =
its a very hazy monday.
what a way to start off the whole week.its the immediate 'smart-tation' of open wounds.trust me on this one.
just pour kerosene or alcohol over my open wound.
cause that's my monday feel.for the love of god.
its not enjoyed.not the least bit.
PLEASE.i loved the lesson today.
it was anatomy and physiology. the fac was a little pissed at the whole class for they knew nothing about SCIENCE !!! and i love science !!! its the basic matter of any insitution or rather study !!!
you have to learn science. its the
best and second to none. maybe besides english that is. heh.
I LOVE SCIENCE.and today we talked about the different tissues in the body.
skeletenal muscle tissue , epithelial tissue , nervous tissue and also smooth muscle tissue. heh heh heh. coolness.
I LOVE SCIENCE.
and besides , with such cranky group mates , what more can you ask for !!! gawd. never mind. and even when
dai kor wasn't here there was
ming for smoke. heh. went to cwp after school with
wei wei and nana. omfg.
WHY CAN'T SHAMPOOS just be SHAMPOOS. there were like a GAZILLION different types , which totally irritated the fuck outta me. cause ...
i didn't know which one to get.they all
seemed to be the right one. and yet again ,
they don't. oh my freaking gawd !!! i took like
30 mins ??? just to pick a bottle of shampoo for coloured hair.
I HOPE IT WORKS. and shampoos are actually relatively cheap. afterwhich we went home. reached home at like 7 ??? was
dead beat.mother was asking about the shirt again.
LIKE WHY DIDN'T I TELL HER , so that I COULD AT THE SAME TIME PICK ONE UP FOR HER. LIKE ... elo !!!??? siao ar.
my money doesn't grow on trees like yours !!! gawd. did my facial and i fell asleep till about ... 20 mins ago. heh.
America'sNextTopModel
PLEASE.off.
and to forgo everything.
kaaye\.- eradicate everything about you.
leave nothing behind.
memories locked at Monday, October 02, 2006