Monday, July 31, 2006
here goes nothing. today is monday.
i awoke with the most foul mood ever. with a spinning headache. all this at 0630. tell me about it. whichever , everything was much better when i reached school. =))
i hate this ,
when everything falls into place. and you grin and grin ; or when your heart races ; you can feel the throbbing of your heart ; the glimpses you send to your phone to see if she has replied or called ; the anxiety to see her name flashing on your phone ; the want for her to call you something sweet.
okay. this does it.
I AM SICK AND TIRED. its scary. way too scary for me. cause all of a sudden. everything has fallen into place. from that very messy stage. i think , i am actually u
sed to the messy part of life. too used to , that when things fall into place ;
it feels like something is wrong. school generally sucked today. then again , since when was it ever good to begin with. analogue really sucked. the facilitator made it even worse by being so dry and boring. gosh. i fell asleep during 6P !!!
tell me about it.kaaye\.- under the doth of moonlight.
all i wish to see.
is you.
memories locked at Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
these are
my very happy -ing's. on our little friday night gathering at lao di fang.
the best place on earth. love them to bits. and i think , the picture
makes us look good. each and everyone of us. oh yeah. =))
its
raining again. its not going to be anything good. i have this thing
against rain. cause whenever it pours , someone is not feeling up to the weather. well ... at least something will go wrong.
MURPHEY'S THEORY - what ever will happen , will happen.things have changed. not that i am making a big fuss out of it. but more of ... i don't know if i can think straight.
don't put to much hope and effort in me. i might just leave the situation in a flash. and
leave all the odd ends dangling ; in mid air.
i hate the feeling. kaaye\.- don't tell me ;
at my age.
i shouldn't be talking about ,
commmitment or being faithful.
i'd bite you in your arse.
memories locked at Saturday, July 29, 2006
to let you know.
yesterday and today was bloody filled with activities. heck with my really drained body , i am so bloody tired !!! but i went with the plans anyways ,
so much for rest now think later. ha ha. =)) a hell lot happened, yes yes.
yesterday ,
ernst and i went to cmpb. after the very dumb oath taking and everything else , we went down to changi naval base. don't get mistaken by ernst's very cold and every solemn face and behavior ...
he makes a great chatting partner. we were busy talking all the way. ha ha. which was really great , without him talking so much , i think i would have
died of boredom long time ago. seriously. it was that dry.
i got my IC changed !!! its now beautifully green !!! =))
green is the new pink ... or havent't heard ??? heh heh. tian. not that i am complaining. just that the bloody pic is so bloody
UGLY. i laugh everytime i see it. its horrid. but besides that everything else is fine. oh yes.
went home first for lunch and to get changed , then headed back to school for my
PCB UT. of which ... more then 3 of the questions
were never thought in our lessons. so tell me ladies and gentleman.
how the fuck do you answer questions that you never know how to answer. tian. the
A's are going missing. never mind , i went to meet
lang loei at yew tee. then headed down to city hall to meet
ah hue !!! oh yes. and know what , we went down to ben and jerry's for ice cream. damn cool.
sweet.headed down to lao di fang for beer.
HOEGARDEN PLEASE. ha ha. and a whole
BOWL OF NUTS. as usual. the people know that when they see us , nuts have to come. in the specially
LARGE BOWL thank you. heh heh.
went down to get some majong done. heh. some
dry swimming. but then ended up ,
we didn't play any. we were big time slacking. oh my tian. i swear shi mei's bed is the best thing on earth ,
it makes you sleepy. =)) tell me about it. stayed over last night.
went to watch the show , dragon ; tiger gate today. damn bloody good !!! catch it. its really really good. really.
the effects are the best thing on earth. went for a walk at far east and all then headed to centerpoint. met bro for awhile. coolness.
i always miss her. no doubt about it. heh heh.
had dinner at ceni. then
NOW I AM HOME. i am
so bloody tired. tian. tell me about it. oh my god.
kaaye\.- so tell me one more time.
what was your secret again.
memories locked at Saturday, July 29, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
i am pissed beyond any extent.i don't feel like going to the stupid navy tomorrow.
i am fucking lazy.
my stupid UT tomorrow has got
no guidance.no one knows what the fuck to study.
i am pissed cause i want to get an A.
and i want to get some studying done.
but i fucking hell know nuts on what the fuck to get studying about.my mother is pushing the bug.
the whole world is fucking messed up.
i hate every single bit of everything.and that includes everything.
memories locked at Thursday, July 27, 2006
this is an announcement
I AM GOING TO MAKE. if you want to see something really funny and comical ...
PLEASE TALK OT ME ON MSN !!! i swear its the
funniest and the cutest thing on earth !!! - to me at least.
so
PLEASE pop me on msn. ha ha. due to certain circumstances i am unable to upload the pic here. so , the only way to see it is to ... POP ME ON MSN !!! DUH. so please do. heh.
i gurantee you a laughing good experience. heh.
=))
i am currently in a
very very good mood today ... even though my stupid navy ... has got me irritated. cause the people there are either dumb or
DUMB. tian. and i can't find the pieces of paper i am
'supposed' to have. tian.
P.S -
I ACTUALLY HAVE AN 'A' FOR MY PCB !!! tell me about it. I GOT AN A man.
IN YOUR FACE AND CHEE BAI !!! kao peh !!! woot. i am damn fucking happy la.
my dad can lick his balls now. HA !!!
kaaye\.- rabbit.
you fucking cute thing.
memories locked at Thursday, July 27, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
today is my offical last day at starbucks. damn it.
i am going to miss that place like no one's business. i swear. now what the hell am i going to do on my weekends !!! i miss the times where by i grumble cause i can't get good foam , or when the fucking bar is messed up or even when the cloth at teh bar is being taken away.
all the little things.damn i am going to miss that place like noone's business.
i solemly swear. i can't believe that i haev just quit. it suddenly feels so wierd. like i suddenly lost a limb or something. yes.
reality has bit me in my arse. thankyouverymuch.whichever it is ...
tomorrow i have school. of which i am not intending to go. but i have a
fucking UT. which i think i am going to school or. i am so bloody tired. from today as well as the
OTHER days.
i can't take it !!! its madness at my school. the stress level is soaring high.
i can hardly breathe. my whole head's submerged in water. damn it.
argh.
i hate my school. have i mentioned ???!!!
you made me smile.
like noone has for the first time in ages. i intend to do something about it. you're still the old you i guess. and i'm not letting you go. you're worth it.
every bit of you. from your fingers right down to your hair.
you are.kaaye\.- its a matter of prespective.
its not for you to say.
its for me.
memories locked at Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
i am currently lying on my bed , with my laptop and on my face ; a shamelessly expensive mask. ha ha. i am using red ginseng mask.
HA !!! anyways , school was so dry today i finished my work in like 2 hours plus ???
this can so not be hapening !!! it was super dry today. even though it was PCB one of my favourite lessons. and yet it was so dry.
such a let down. went home today with
wei wei , ling and nana. ling didn't make it to volleyball cause of her heavily bandaged leg !!! ha ha. it looks kinda cute actually. whichever it was ,
lunch was great at W4. the food there is
so much better than at E1. not forgetting , it really feels like a
REAL food court in some shitty shopping center. for real man. with the air condition and all.
did i mention that ,
my formal suit problems are over. KA PEEEESSSSHHHH !!! cause , dad is nice enough to bring me to get a suit done.
MY VERY FIRST TALIORED BRANDED SUIT !!! =)) oh yes.
ZEGNA. here i come. i can't wait and my dad thinks i am mad. cause there is a little problem. i would have to
keep heading back to the shop like ... 2 or 3 times before the suit is fully done. for fittings.
that is one thing i detest. and if i don't go back , work cannot continue.
HOW NICE. on a lighter note. stupid SMRT is going to have a price hike in their services again. for god knows what reason. and
you thought public transport was supposed to be cheap. THINK AGAIN. more reason to get a car. ha ha. =))
actually
i have more then just one more reason. but you're not to know. heh heh. i can't wait to get my driving license done up.
sweet. kaaye\.- i want you back.
in my life.
this time.
its going to be as long.
memories locked at Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
noone should be put into that particular position where by their world around then collapses. and all you can do is to watch it fall. piece by piece ; each tearing you apart
slowly. no one should be put into that position ; especially you.
its the closest to nothing. i don't want to see you fall. cause i've been there. i'd never let you crash and burn. at least not without me. cause i know ...
cause i know, how sucky it feels to have been there and done that. i'd never let you fall.
i'd cushion it to the best as i can. don't cry. tears are meant to be shed ,
only for those who deserve them. but at the same time ... its a sign of human vulnerability. i am not that far away from being all emotional.
HA. who am i to say ; right ???
=
on a lighter note.
I WENT TO WORK TODAY !!! and i tell you. the crowd is definately mad. they come and they go as they fucking hell please. which definately
irritates the hell out of me. whichever it is ...
wednesday is going to be my last day at starbucks. after so fucking long. i am so
going to miss that place. a hell lot. more then i think that i will ever know now.
so let's just wait till it bites me in the arse. - as usual. kaaye\.- the further you push me.
the closer we are.
memories locked at Sunday, July 23, 2006
i am going to throw in the towel when it comes to anything to do with love or what so ever. i have come to a conclusion that i cannot feel anything. maybe its just me.
i don't know. i realy hope that it is really. what the hell is going wrong with me i don't know.
i wished i can still feel something when i get kissed by a stranger like how i used to feel cheeky.
but now ...
i seriously don't feel anything. i watch it happen to me. yes.
but i don't feel anything. just like how i used to feel back then. not that i am complaining or anything. but is there serioulsy something wrong with me or something ??? as in ...
like if i don't let you in , i can't feel anything. really. and for now.
there is only one preson that can drive me up and down the wall
as she would like it. however she would like it. i am going to get my car license thingy started by september or october.
cause i want to drive her around. cause i don't want her to take the public transport. maybe its just me. whether or not i can make it. i'd make it happen. its been so long. but ...
i still love her. now i feel lame. maybe its just me. i am impulsive. but yet again ... i have learnt to be serious.
maybe a little too serious. i don't know.
maybe.
kaaye\.- someone help me.
this is not happening.
what do i do.
memories locked at Sunday, July 23, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
i officially need more kar - chings. i seriously do. i have this endless wishlist that i want to get fulfilled before my birthday comes. and i cannot wait for it. damn it. i am so figety i can just get so hyper on nothing but air. what am i saying ... ARGH !!!
i just want my wishlist fulfilled. mother says
i have gone mad. and that i shouldn't be shopping on formal wear.
CAUSE I DON"T NEED IT. suck it up mother.
cause i want it !!! here goes my wish list.
1. a pin stripped black zegna suit ; shirt ; tie and all - made to measure please not to mention casmere silk lining. =))
2. spa at paragon - i want the full day spa thingy.
3. holiday in bintan - i seriously need the tan.
4. new pair of jeans from g-star ; preferrably - i wonder how the cuts go.
5. casual jacket from calvin klein - its on sale !!! sale = buy.
6. new bag from miu miu - looks a little like hermes.
7. shoes from left foot - sharp pointed ones from adidas.
8. car license - if only i had the time ...
9. that samsung phone - looks nice. the only flaw the camera. only 2 meg.
10. to stay at starbucks - i love that place. alot.
so yes. that is my wish list. and as maybe you have expected. my mother doesn't want to get any of the above for me. ARGH !!!
never mind. i am in the midst of saving money so that i can get some of them. the suit is
definately a must. even if i don't get it from zegna.
AT LEAST MASSIMO DUTTI !!! =)) whichever they are equally nice.
school really sucked today. my facilitator from hell really sucked. and he totally pulled off the last straw. woot.
how smart. whatever. he sucks and i don't really bother. cause i think
he should just head back to nigeria. and stay there. damn it.
tomorrow is friday. let's all pray there at seats at
lao di fang !!!
i miss hue and toh already. not to mention bro and dee. =)) you're just like an angel.
your skin makes me cry.
you float like a feather.
in a beautiful world.
i wish i was special.
you're so fucking special.
but i am a creep.
i am a little.
what the hell am i doing here.
i don't belong here.
you're so special.
you're so fucking special.kaaye\.- its not all about you.
the door's actually open.
memories locked at Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
i have this nightly thing about
drinking green tea. i have just come to realise that i have been drinking green tea for the past few nights. all before i go to sleep. maybe its just me. i don't know. i think i am addicted !!! ha ha. i am waiting for my dad's soup to be cooked ;
so i can dig in. =))
work was pretty interesting today. with the
sudden influx of people. and i managed to finish my stupid pastry packing within like 20 mins !!! it used to take me like ... 40 mins !!! ha ha. i seriously suck at packing pastry la.
and its definately not funny.
so don't laugh.
there was like this major slam thing going on at work. i made like a 12 liter batch of frap mix.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT. god damn it.
people drink fake coffee too much. they don't know what is the real deal when it comes along. god damn it.
so yes.
maybe its just me. but i don't think so.
she's different. then again. maybe its just me. i know that i might be just me. as usual. wait. its just me.
its just me. scrap that. damn it.
kaaye\.- it doesn't seem right.
but yet again.
its infinately true.
memories locked at Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
i used to stand so tall. i will always remember that , till that very grim day. i'd never forget. at least not in this life time. the whole world i build ,
came crumbling down like donimo titles. one right after the other. at that very moment in time , i knew.
i knew i was never going to be the same person again.the dips were attached inside me. the women in white uniform , pleasing my every need.
no i am not in a brothel. i am in a place called the hospital. you know that feeling where by you can somehow actually see yourself in that bed. in that particular position. whereby you are
so helpless. you are left to fend for yourself.
and you don't have that power to do so.
the
images of her. flooding your head like its never had. your tears flow like a running river. you heart just stopped at that very moment when she said
'i think its better if we went our separate ways'. you'd never forget that feeling , that
instantaneous invisible slap across your face that awoke you to reality.
a quarter million endorphines will never be its cure. given those
unforseen circumstances. you couldn't do anything. you couldn't get anything done right. and yet you sit and watch yourself do so.
stopping the whole cycle never came as a option. at least cause you never made it one to begin with. you feel
so tired. you give into the wants and demands of the world and what people expect of you. how they judge and pass you the death sentence before even reviewing your case to begin with. imagine you awake everyday with weary eyes on looking you.
watching your every move. awaiting for a mistake to occur so that , they have a fight to pick with you.imagine that very sight. if you can. cause i know for sure.
no one ever can.
so i stand here again.
hoping and doing all i can. to fend this incubus off. to get my head tilted up high again. to make sure.
my heart doesn't lie in a chest full of thorns for all eternity. to make sure , i caution me against myself. tell me that i'm not in it alone.
kaaye\.- i want to be the first to go.
don't take me along.
i'd rather.
memories locked at Monday, July 17, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
call me a bloke if you must. but know what. i just realised that i cn type really fast. not that i am bragging or anything. but i think that i can really type fast. and like i didn't go to
stupid lessons to make sure that i can type this fast. like certain people do. okay ;
this is way too random.
whichever it is right ... i am starting to wonder.
why are people in singapore so rude and so unkind to the rest of the whole population that walks , serves or even just sits beside them. take those people on public transport for an example. they take 2 seats but pay for one. they
glare at you , like they have never seen a human subject walk pass.
then when we come to serving them. they make
the worst customers. they pick and choose , they want it cheap and yet again they want everything. not to mention , their manners are no where to be found. then again ... i am
not even close to sure that they even have anything inside that is called manners. its not even inculcated in them. which makles me
very embarrassed to be a singaporean sometimes. gawd.
i seriously think that they should be sent to some class that teaches them the
fundamentals of being a human. like
BASIC MANNERS to begin with. they are such an
embarrassment. to top it all off ... its not just a hand full that are like that. really. think about it.
ARE YOU one of those.
can't get the song
'run' by snow patrol out of my head. the damn lyrics are too good to miss out a chance just to hear it. too bad they don't play it on the radio. maybe i should start writting songs like last time.
maybe. maybe.
hue came down today and i got a whole load of
VEGGIES !!! ha ha. =)) i love my veggies. well at least only a certain type of veggy. not all. i like soft veggies. and fresh ones that come as salad. not the iceberg lettuce. but rockets and fresh spinach. i have a very expensive tongue.
so sue me.
dude was working today !!! =)) i hope that piece of paper i gave her will help her.
i need to get things done in chinese.
really.
i can hardly speak.
i understand.
why you can't raise your voice to say.
slower , slower ...
you don't have time for that.
all i want is to find an easier way.
to get away from this place.
have heart my dear.kaaye\.- even if you cannot hear my voice.
i will be right beside you ; dear.
memories locked at Sunday, July 16, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
don't stray.
don't ever go away.
sometimes , when you and i collide.
I fall into an ocean.
and if you pull me out in time.
don't let me drown.
let me down.
i say its all because of you.
here i go ,
loosing my control.
i am practicing your name.
so i can say it to your face.
it doesn't seem right to look you in the eye.
all the things you mean to me.
come tumbling out of my mouth.
its time to tell you why.
i say its infinately true.
don't come and go like you do.
sway my way.
yeah i need to know all about you.
its all because of you.=
you come and go like you wish.
taking my heart like a momentarily site of relief. and to my follishness , i agree to everything you say and want. its all in the name of me liking you this much. wait ...
i am not sure if its even a liking. i can't stop thinking about you.
of which i am sure that you treat me
nothing like i used to be treated.
i hate the way i am being treated. i hate the way you look at me with those eyes. i hate the way that i give into your every wish ; without even thiking twice about what i might get myself into.
i hate myself for letting you do this to me. i hate it.
i bloody hell abhor it. i can't stop thinking about you. its all because of you.
i am like this. its not good for health , for my friends and for everything i am on the earth for.
as they say , whatever is not good for you taste bad.
but you're the sweetest scented alluring incubus. what more can i say ; besides that i still do like you. in fact , i think this time ... its more.
its amazing how you can treat me like this
when you asked for a chance at redemption. its not just queer no more.
its down right wrong.
wo bu shi ni de ai ren. wo zhi si yi ge dai ti ren. pang mang ni du guo ze ge nan guan. ran hou wo jio zai ni de yan di bian cheng yi a mo shen ren. lian ni de ren ying , tou hui bu jian. dan , ji jong ni que ong yuan bu hui zhi dao. ni zai wo xin li de di wei you dou da. kaaye\.- you're always there.
whether i like it or not.
you are.
memories locked at Saturday, July 15, 2006
god damn it. yesterday wwas damn fun. at least i think and i will definately consider it as fun. i met
the -ing's right after school. after going home for
my veggies. heh. went to the restraunt at heeren for some korean !!! wee ... heh. wasn't that bad actually.
not bad of a place. anyways , then we went to
LAO DI FANG !!!
i love that place. its got to be the best thing on earth. really. we were playing the 'i never game'. i tell you the
bloody secretaries were against bro and i. and i so hate them for that ... but ultimately ...
i still love them. as bro said it ... i quote
'how much i love you is questionable'. ha ha. totally.
HOEGARDEN !!! i love the part where by we kept asking for nuts till like they wanted to give us
the whole TIN !!! hello ... we are talking about a 5kg tin here. purrrleeeeaaassseee. oh my gawd. yes yes. we had alot of fun. at least to me.
i missed them like fark.afterwhich , went
down to zouk. hello people. if you know me well enough , i hate zouk and all their associates. cause for one its over rated and it sucks. really.
i prefer momo. the people are prettier there anyway. heh. so yesh. went over to zouk.
the music sucked at zouk. seriously sucked. never mind that ... i almost got picked up by this girl. thing is .. the moving word here is
ALMOST. fucking hell. never mind ... went down to momo after that. reached momo at around ... 325 in the morning !!! gawd damn it.
the music was definately better there. and so was the crowd. i felt like a fisherman. ha ha.
so yes.
no picking up girls though. but the people there were definately nuts. of which i think i fall into that catergory.
AND I HATE PLACES WHERE BY THEY DON'T HAVE PLATFORMS. and i don't know why. so sue me. HA !
went to work today ... with less then a hangover. thank god for the supper. heh heh.
WENNY WAS WORKING TODAY !!! i am damn happy la. her mummeh came after her work too. so sweet. ha ha. then yesh. ...
I GET TO SEE WENNY MORE OFTEN !!! ha ha. beat that man. =))
so yesh. came home after work and off to running. didn't do much ... was busy looking at cars and talking to my sister ... who
can NOT run. whichever ... it was
just for the fun of it anyway. so yesh.
and now i am
bloody tired. and i am signing off. so yesh.
kaaye\.- i paid for it in due.
so yes. burn in hell please.
memories locked at Saturday, July 15, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
you don't know how scary it is. to be in this position , where by every
single step that you take is being taken into the highest consideration. and then not to forget ... you love her so much. and sometimes it
seems that she likes you back , but yet again on the other hand ... it feels like she is
just making use of you.
you think of the more positive side of things. telling yourself that
'no , she is really in for it this time'. but your head tells you other wise. she says ,
'i can't push you away cause i still feel something for you'. then what do you make of that. my head's in a swirl. and
i am bloody tired , tryingto fight against this bloody incubus.
her every want your doing. do you know how it feels ??? her talking about guys in front of you. and all you can do is ...
pretend. pretending that you never knew anything at all to begin with. how so.
do you know how difficult it is ??? to even start the whole thing off ???
i see myself fade away. i have got no idea how many times i have said that ... but i really do see myself do it. its like
i am disappearing within myself from each passing day. you won't know how it feels , how bad it makes you feel.
how stressful it is.
when that
bloody itchy fetchy feeling comes to you. when it hits you right hard in the face.
that you actually miss her more then she misses you. that your misses come with all the sincerity that your heart can give. but for hers ..
everything is but doubtful. then you wonder ... what have you gotten yourself into.
cause
i gotten myself into shit ...
that is irreversible. its that bad.
kaaye\.- do you know how much i miss you.
how much i love you.
with all my heart has to give.
and yet ...
i have got no idea what you are thinking.
memories locked at Thursday, July 13, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
'if it makes you happy ; than it can't be that bad'. agree with me. at least if one perosn in the whole thing is happy out of the relationship. then i don't think that the relationship was
that bad after all ??? or is it wrong to state such a thing in the very first place.
that a relationship is only a good one if ... both sides fall. and both sides end up unhappy at the very end.
is that
what justifies a good relationship ??? or does that go to show that ... you don't love the person to begin with. how convenient can that get then.
i keep thinking about it and i cannot find the bloody answer to that question. and no.
my problem solving skills that i developed in RP is not going to help.whichever it is ...
'i cannot bear to push you off'. tell me ladies ; what do you decipher from that ??? cause all i can decipher is that ... you just want to
keep the person dangling in mid air. till one day ... the person on the rope gets the idea and drops right down on his own accord.
i don't want that to happen. it hurts man. so before i get on that rope.
i want out. my determination has got to kick in. i really need it to kick in. no matter how bad or how good she is treating me.
DUDE if you are reading this ...
i know the ball is in my court. and i can't bounce it and score. not just yet. i need some time.her wish is always my command. considering ...
i still do like her.
alot in fact. and she's fishing me back into her fish pond like she has never done before. but yet again ... there are times where by she whacks you on the head. and you see her doing things she shouldn't be saying or doing in front of you.
i want out.kaaye\.- you never fail.
you surprise me.
everytime i get back on my feet.
memories locked at Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
so yesh.
the italian won. farking hell. i was vying for the french.
les bleus. how in the world did
MR - baldhead get so freaking worked up.
this is so wrong. gawd. whichever ... its over and done. and now i can stop sleeping late. and wonder if tomorrow i have school ; in my drunken stupor.
so yesh. i am back in school on a tuesday. and know what ... i didn't go to school yesterday. bloody tired.
i wanted to kill my brain for not functioning. and not only did i wake up at around 7 from sleeping at 5 plus.
i was almost close to a dry span by the time of 3. right after lunch.i can't imagine if i drive. cause after eating ...
i get bloody sleepy. can you imagine the headlines ???
'driver caught sleeping whilst driving on CTE at 120 km/h.' buah ha ha. its got to be the joke of the centuary. seriously.
watched
'the king and the clown'. and i swear. its draggy. but ... the pretty guy in the movie is so
BLOODY PRETTY. if only he was a she. damn it. i would go all out just to date her. really. seriously pretty. all those
damn korean pretty men. ha ha.
but sadly ; i only do girls. =)) ha ha.
nina was saying that he looks like her. i replied ...
'nah i think he's prettier'. i got a hit in the nose man. gawd. whichever ... headed home after the movie. bloody tired. went home yesterday and started drinking
grappa with tonic water. not bad of a combination. really. i ended up drinking till i got
too crunk to meet vanessa. ha ha. woops.
then yeah. it was sweet sleeping till the normal morning shots this morning.
damn. =
i am currently on my cheeky streak. i don't know where it is going to take me. but ,
i know girl from free banana wearing 'henry 12' is damn hott. selina baby. i think you can feel the bloody cheeky lines tying around you. ha ha. =))
memories locked at Monday, July 10, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
i have currently a
SESAME STREET family in poly. and i am damn as well loving it. =))
ling is oscar. wei is big bird. nana is ernie. thevi is teddy. for obvious reasons. heh. decipher it yourself. but then again , i think that its pretty obvious. yeah yeah. and yours truly is
COOKIE MONSTER !!! oh yesh. bring on the cookies.
whichever it is. yesterday was one of the
WORST CLUBBING NIGHTS I EVER EXPERIENCED. maybe cause its that time of the month where by , my hormones rage. then again, maybe not. whichever it was.
i lost my patience. and so did ah hue. so yeah. we gave up waiting. we went to lao di fang. hoegarden still does us best. so yesh. i love going there.
cigar was great. smooth like baby butt.
not to mention ...
i really enjoyed the company. =)) love ya hue !!! we had like supper after that. some indian place. i hated the toilet. thank god i pee standing upright. or i would have
cursed and sweared. damn it. whichever ... went home after that.
did i mention ??? i think i did the worse thing ever last night. how does this sound.
'hey , have fun clubbing. don't forget to get a few guy's numbers !! :) be safe. ha ha.' i
SURVERYED. i sound like a bastard. but then again ... yeah. it really is pretty rude right ??? whichever ... she called this afternoon.
i was
farking worried and i don't know why. rich girl is no good for me. but ...
her poison is so sweet. i can't explain its essence. damn it. i hate this kinda feeling. it really sucks. and i couldn't stop worrying till she called. yes.
i have a weak heart.
i'm not sorry.
and yes. i am letting her control me. more then she thinks she is. but what if i tell you ...
i still love her. and i still hate her. what's next.
kaaye\.- how i wish ;
i could have your heart for dinner.
memories locked at Saturday, July 08, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
please following the instructions as follows :click on the
'link' page , then
click on bro's blog and read it.
for the love of god. just do it.=
i hope you've read what ever she wrote in that blog. cause whatever she wrote there is nothing but the
REAL TRUTH. i don't know how long i am going to be
an idiot ; still. cause i know one thing. just one thing.
i love my friends more then i love myself. and being the idiot bro calls me ; i am
fucking soft when it comes to girls.when they cry ; they get everything they want from me.
when they tug my sleeve ; they get everything they want from me.
when they put on a face ; they get everything they want from me.
when they irritate me ; they get evreything they want from me.
when they make me so fed up ; they get everything they want from me.i am fucking soft when it comes to girls. and i cannot help it. its not that i don't want to be hard with them. its i can't.
i tried. when it comes to
rich girl. i can't. when it comes to
rich girl ; i gave my all in that relationship. cause for once ,
i don't know why , i fell so bloody hard into it ,
i couldn't see day light. cause all i knew was her. all i thought about was her. all i was studying was her. -
you get the picture.
its not that i don't want to do anything ;
to stop myself.
i see myself fade away with the wind as it passes by. i am on medication. i am on
prozac and synflex. nothing is stronger these two for depression. you know ,
every night after taking them ; i cannot feel a thing. all you do is go blank. and when it wears off you wonder what happened ??? cause you can't remember what happened when the medication was working.
i went to the hospital.
i got admitted.
i got my stomach pumped for that
rich girl. i swollowed
48 pills in total. my parents are still as farking worried as ever to that it might happen again. i got admitted
2 more times after that. you guys thought i was having fever.
you were wrong. the times that i did not head to school for a week ???
you fill in the blanks.
i visited the hosipital. wait ... put it in this way , i got admitted to the hospital. again. twice in fact. cause
i couldn't stop cutting myself. my mother got scared.
i couldn't stop abusing myself , out of the blue ,
i'd start going hesterical. i
hit my dad and scream at my mother and sister. and then i go back
being normal again. i was
stripped onto my bed for the time i was in the hospital. it wasn't fun.
it still taunts me when i sleep at night.it was not fun.rich girl made me
fucking weak. i gave in.
as usual. i know what i am getting myself into.
i see my body going over and doing stupid things with her , and my
mind trying to control my body from doing further damage.i don't want to have another break down. there are so many things i have yet to fulfill. i don't want to
'accidentally' commit suicide. its dumb. i know.
there are so many reasons as to which i know
i shouldn't head back with her. and yet again , my mind starts coming up with
new ones as
to which why i should. she traded me in for someone else. yes people.
the penis.
i am a boy. i just don't have
a penis. i am sorry. i am a a bloody G.I.D patient.
i don't have to answer to miss or girl. i am not a girl. i don't consider myself as one.i am not lesbian. i am a full boy. i just
don't have the parts to go with it. if you think i am complicated and cannot see my situation then , i hope you see it now.
i am a boy , she traded me in for someone who is more of one then i am physically.
i don't blame her till now.i just cannot forget. i forgive but not forget.
i have changed. i am more emotional ??? i don't know. all i know is ,
i cannot feel a single thing when it comes to realtionships. i really can't anymore. bring on the blonde. bring on the asian.
i just can't. its even worse then just fuck and go. really.
even if she was perfect. maybe i've loss anxiety. i don't even let
rich girl touch me like she used to. cause , believe it or not.
i don't feel comfortable.
that was not me 8 months back. i have changed for the better ;
i know. but ... its taking more then i can give into everything i can find. it really is.
i am trying so hard ; and i
don't see the results. its getting irritating. so irritating i am scared i give in.
AGAIN.
being the idiot i am.
=
and to
bro :
i know you love me.
and i love you too lang loei. you know i do. i hope you do. i love you the most out of all my friends cause somehow i know you know me a little more more then the rest ... and i know
i can always count on you for anything ; cause i know if you can do it.
you will. dude , i hate myself for being like this. i want to stop it. i really do.
but i don't even know myself ; if i can really pull it off.let me fade away - kaaye\.
memories locked at Thursday, July 06, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
so i gave in to the biggest temptation.
the monthly THUMPER. i said and
swear over my farking flat arse i won't get there. and i won't go. qing ai de went too !!! and she said the exact same thing !!! it was
farking fun.
if wenny was only there. ha ha. the most ridiculour thing happened !!!
you know
irene ang right. she came over to us and then she said , 'good good keep it up !!!'. with the thumbs up thing. and yesh. we were then
left bewildered. damn. not to mention she came AGAIN. and this time , she said 'must be thirsty , want to drink ???'. then she handed us this jug. of godknowswhat. ha ha. oh my gawd. i tell you ...
it was bloody great.
the music kept flooding in. they were
playing damn good music , and not to mention retro !!! gawd damn it. it was like
earth,wind and fire , then they palyed like madonna and like so many others. god damn it.
to top all that off ... there were so many bloody
starbucks people there. from wisma , then from lido and even psa. so bloody happy. i got my boob hit and groobs like umpteen times !!! damn it.
siew li and selina were there too !!! =))
oh yesh. and dude has a JOB !!! guess where ...
HARBOR FRONT !!! =)) and she is like so
bloody infatuated with the bloody apron. i just don't get it.
kaaye\.- being a bimbo ;
takes guts.
damn.
memories locked at Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Monday, July 03, 2006
this my very ruptured bohemian sort of life. who am i kidding when i say ,
yeah i am happy. very much happy. damn it. i don't know how long this bloody facade is going to last.
i see myself fade away from giving people what they want. giving people my smiles. cause i know if i don't. they will know something is brooming over the hedge. to the extent now.
i feel can't give anymore.i am writing this entry with all knowledge of what i am really saying.
my body is here. but my mind isn't. there is nothing left to be said.
i know i am in denial. and trust me , it the
worst thing i have ever experienced. not that i am complaining. i am in it. and
i am burning on the inside. cool on the out. who is there to judge. who is there is say what i am and what i should believe in.
my dear readers , whoever you may be to me. i
love my friends alot. i practically
depend on them for entertainment ; for that moment of a split second of which i stop and thank the heavens for giving me friends like such. and i thank god i have a family who is doing pretty okay and who bloody hell
accept my liking for girls.
who let me wear suits to weddings. who let me have my own religon. who don't force me to get to church cause they know. who let me drink till i get so crunk. who let me club. who let me go out for supper. who give me cash. who support me when i need some guidance.
my friends are my family. and my family are also friends. i am feeling worse and worse with each passing day. i see people smiling. i see people laughing.
i envy them more then anything on earth. if you could only see the huge amount of weights i have on my shoulders. i worry about everything.
even , the little sea monkeys i have growing at home and whether my mother has her lunch on time or be it , if denyse ; tiff ; bro are safe ; if esther is bored at work ; if my poly ting dongs are stressed. i worry about everything.
EVERY SINGLE SECOND. how do you decipher that.
i'm a pranoid bugger. who's at this very moment in time loosing it. very much. i think i am actually loosing my mind
even before joinging the navy.
there is a part of me , i frankly tell you.
is being buried somewhere beneath the surface. even i can't find it anymore. and i am not proud of it. i am
pretty much ashamed of it actually. my mind is starting to imagine things that was never there. that never happened.
but my mind is making it up ; it seems so real. i am going
cynical. i think. till the extent i
can see myself fade away. how do you explain feeling like that everyday for over half a year
without even realizing it happening right before your very eyes. i see myself fading away. into the facade i drew. kaaye\.- what i am today.
i am not tomorrow.
memories locked at Monday, July 03, 2006
okay. for the love of god. i am not supposed to be feeling like this. its getting
farking interesting and i have got no idae as to how i should rightfully be feeling at this very momemnt in time.
the hot ; cold treatment. thanks dear. really.
i don't know how i am to be friends with you.
cause i know jolly well. i definately can't. not that i don't want to try or anything like that. but then the thing is that ...
i can't.
i just can't. whichever people.
i need a break from all of this. a bloody huge break. cause i can't take it anymore.
school's causing me to go mad. and know what ...
i need rest more then anything. and i need to get away from all of this.
please bring on the synflex. kaaye\.- its not back to square one.
but i do know something.
i need your damn bloody attention.
memories locked at Monday, July 03, 2006
Sunday, July 02, 2006
i know no one is ever going to believe this , but ... i got a pair of
PINK PANTS !!! gawd damned it. i know its going to kill some of you and its going to make some of you go ...
'huh ??? kaaye in pink ??? it doesn't go.' but you know what ... i don't really bother cause i think the pair of pants rock , cause they are pink and they are
contradicting. hell yesh.
so yesh. whichever it is ... i went out with my mother and my lil sissy today. i was supposed to get to work today but ,
my bloody diarrohea stopped me from doing so. i have to get to the tilet like every 10 mins.
DAMN. i tell you ... my arse hole is going to get so loose ,
i can turn into a gay. and go for anal. - i'm joking.
tomorrow is school and i am dreading it. big time. not for anything. but for the time that i have to wake up
in order to get my arse to school on time. damn. i hate it.
dinner's not here yet. cause lil italian baby is here. and he's freaking cute. so
bloody jealous of his long eye lashes. damn. and i've got to get my arse to tiong to get my lines cutt before it closes. hate it. i'm damn lazy to get it. but yet again i do.
its troublesome.
whichever.
i hate this. and know what ... i think i do. and yet i don't. if my calculations are right ... karma says today is a good day and
tomorrow will not be anything good. really. cause there is school.
kaaye\.- i need the rest i deserve.
and i need you to go away.
memories locked at Sunday, July 02, 2006
Saturday, July 01, 2006
take my photo off the wall ,
if it just won't sing for you.
and all that's left has gone away ,
and there's nothing there for you to do.
look what you've done.
you've made a fool of everyone.
oh ... seems like such fun.
until you loose what you had won. =
this is random but i think i am so
freaking inhumane. has in practically
less then sensible compassion and empathy for people than i should be having. i cannot anymore understand how they might feel in that situation if i haven't or am not into it. i used to be able to. now i can't.
am i inhumane ??? anyways , today i had the
WORST SLEEP. i am having worse and worse sleep patterns. and its
scaring the hell out of me. i keep waking up in the middle of the night. i have never had such sleep patterns before and its
affecting my mood and my brain waves. *swears.
whichever it is ... yesh. i am getting
more then paranoid cause of my dumb sleep patterns. and i hate it more then words can explain. damn.
went to work today. and the worst thing happened !!! there was a
bloody black out. ha ha.
ONLY AT STARBUCKS. damn dumb. but it was pretty fun. mirah was bloody panicing all over the place. it was
seriously hilarious. and not to mention.
FUN !!! =)) selina came before my work ended !!! and to my surprise ... my family things got cancelled. heh. we we ended up having hoegarden at pasta mania along with pasta. not bad actually. heh. yaked a hell lot !!! about everything under the sun. gawd.
i am going to miss starbucks when i quit. went back to starbucks after dinner to slack even more. all the dumb stories came spitting outt.
uber funny. i am so going to work at WA soon. can't wait. heh. then ... yeah !!!
tuesday is coming. thumper is coming.
supposed to be at zouk with
nina for 'so brit' night. they play
placebo and snow patrol FOR GOD'S SAKE !!! damn.
i love their songs and tunes. they rawk. more then like ... R&B. if given a choice ... alternative's the way to go. really. they are
more then just sex and surface love.
oh yesh !!! as selina and i were flipping through the 'style' mag , we were stumpled unto the horoscope page. and the first line of the saggitarius horoscope totally
dismantled my defences against , people like
'youknowwho'. it said :
'you will fall back with your old passion. in the wierdest manner possible.'right.
EXPLAIN PEOPLE. what the hell is it digging into !!! and who is it referring to !!! i bet the writer is a
WOMAN. cause ...
everything is so vague and yet again ... they are all placed on the table. its just how a woman talks !!! all you women ... nothing but
'read between the lines.' i hate it. damn.
its true :
'the men just don't get it.'i can't help it. its happening. it really is ... my brain is in
THAT frequency again. i can't stop thinking about her. and what might and will happen next. maybe on monday ... maybe tuesday. what the fark is going on. i hate this mind game. cause she's my
fucking soft spot. i don't deny. its just damn difficult.
FUCK.
kaaye\.- 'let's just see ,
what i can get you into.
without you even realizing.
isn't this great.
fall into the pit darling.
i can't wait.'
memories locked at Saturday, July 01, 2006