Friday, June 30, 2006
hell yesh.
i am currently the property of the singapore government and til my last dying breathe i am to serve and protect this nation if it comes under threat. okay. i think you definately get what i am trying to put across here.
i am already in the navy. a hell lot of things are going to change. and its not like i am complaining.
i welcome change. but in steps.the whole morning i was at cmpb. oh my god.
i was freaking tired. by the time of 12 in the afternoon. went to town with my dad to pick mother up then ...
BACK TO CMPB. its like my second home man. oh wells ... signed more papers. then off to town !!! along with my little sissy. we had crystal jade. fregging nice. i haven't had a meal with my whole family in a while. so yeah. it was nice.
dee came too. my mother was spitting our family history at her , my dad was giving her the
wierd looks when my mom was trying to pronounce french toast in cantonese. it sounds like an
english , chinese , hokkien and cantonese vulgarity all mixed together in one. oh my gawd.
then yesh. dee and i went shopping. but there was
nothing to BUY !!! damn it. then it was time to get my hair cut. oh
i love my ultra short hair. its fucking cool and i feel all so cooling. ha ha. especially when the wind blows. oh yesh. met hue after that. we went to
FOOD REPUBLIC !!! and we met really funny people and even
ESTHER !!! =)) ha ha.
headed down to wine connection. and guess what ... just when i lighted my cig and turned the other side to pass the lighter to hue ... i saw my
ex maths teacher. patick ng. gawd damn it. and just in time to blow my smoke out. ha ha. oh my freaking god !!!
its been a farking wierd day.
i love my family. and not forgetting the -ings. and the poly ting dongs. i miss them all already. gawd. i hate getting all emo. oh wells.
DID I MENTION. ... i am this close to blowing off. i am this close to giving in. and i am this close to playing you back
like i have never before.
its the truth.
i won't let you go without getting hurt. oh world watch out.kaaye\.- its not that easy to let you go.
cause i won't.
till retribution comes to you.
in 3 fold ; darling.
memories locked at Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
no really. what have i done to deserve this.
i really don't get it. wait. this is straight first. i have complete control over my blog. and if you don't like what's being written here ...
i suggest you move to another one.
so let's cut to the chase. i don't know what i am doing is right.
i am fucking numb right now. it may be the medicine. i don't know. but something's
definately working like it should. cause , i am not feeling anything. just like how i want it to be.
simple. happy yes. cause of my beloved friends.
anything more then that ...
i suggest you take your leave before something happenes that is more then just uncalled for. i don't want to take anymore chances.
i don't want to be vulnerable. not anymore. i don't know what this life is going to bring me. cause i can't stand anything like that ...
its going to bring me down. and i won't let it happen
again.
you are the only one i let in and out of my life , like its a
temporary staged hotel.
built and custom designed just for you. - but you'd never see what i see. and you'd never read my blog. so i don't see a reason in ranting everything here. though i think i might have a little.
how can one love two people at the same time with the same intensity. with the same mind set.
with the same ... ideals and all. let that soft spot grow hard in the freezer. i don't want to deal with you anymore.
i am not the same kaye who let you in and out. without wishing karma to come get you soon. cause now ...
i wish retribution and karma will get you at full blow at teh exact same time.mark my words people.
karma works in wonderous ways. it really does. just watch.
patience is something you should cultivate into a virtue. cause it works.
i am going to get my hair cut
SHORT tomorrow. not like it alreayd isn't. heh. with hope it makes me feel better.
kaaye\.- its this close to failing.
and it hope it tips over.
memories locked at Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
just finished my dinner. which consisted of a huge bowl of mayo and mustard drenched vegetables !!!
i finished my huge bowl of it. not that bad actually , once in a while its actually pretty nice. heh. i am and i
HAVE to get on a diet. i am putting on weight and i am loosing my muscles ... went to swim today ... i did like ...
15 laps in about 20 mins or 30 mins ??? which is kinda ;
disappointing. cause i know i can do better then that. if not for me forgetting my goggles ...
wait , i actually found them after my swim. with my soap and all. how
dumb could i get. really. called starbucks. i need to give them like 2 weeks prior notice before i get to quit. god.
friday is my contract signing. and like ... i don't know what to expect !!! my tian !!! whatever is going to happen to me.
i need some guidance.
for the rest of the entry ; you can choose not to read.
with everything said and done.
it
still doesn't seem to be over.
take the smiles and happy memories.
i'd take the tears and jeers.
you're the only one who can ;
who i let in.
with full construe that ,
i will be at the loosing end.
i don't really want to loose you.
not completely.
the portion of my compunctious heart you acquired ;
still there.
untouched ; raw as it was left.
tell me this.
i can't live with or without you.
i still need you.
i still feel for you.
like i have always did.
and i will most probably will for
longer then already expected.
i don't want to be a door mat.
safety net ; cushion.
i don't want to be your second choice.
i'm not your subsitute.spare me your mind games.
i can't take it.
karma's coming.
and i just hope
its not on you.
i rather it be me.kaaye\.- i've wings.
but you just won't let me fly.
memories locked at Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
my theory ,
'history never repeats itself to the exact same strain , in record books.' and as it is said , i am so not going to let history repeat it self. there is a
far cry of what i have and what i should have. its a stupid thing yes , but
i don't really care.
'sorry , i didn't mean to flare up at you.
i am trying and you are not.'fucking god. damn it. what the heck is going on here.
i really don't get it. nothing seems right as it should be , or rather as it was. though temporary ,
it was there still. god. what in the freaking world is going wrong. wait ... i am answering my own question.
cause everything is.
is it so difficult to shove you off. you don't understand my command of english
even when i blantantly told you that i am freaking pissed and disappointed at you. this has to end. you're my weak spot. and it is cause of this weak spot
i am suffering in hell eternally.
right or wrong i don't really care. cause everything is some how the same. and yet again it isn't. thanks for the tears. i needed them. they woke me up to this very messed up world.
thanks for nothing.
not to mention yesterday was
2 years. not like i wanted to count ... but, its long over and done and
i shouldn't be 'picky' about the date. right.
kaaye\.
- i wish i can tell you.
to fuck off and never come back.
memories locked at Monday, June 26, 2006
god damn it. i just went to the bbdc webbie ; for those that don't know what bbdc is ... its a driving center.
*mumbles in disappointment. anyways ... its
200 buckeroos to get my stupid basic test done. gawd damn it. now we ALL KNOW how the driving center gets money. ha ha. whichever , its freaking expensive ... in the u.s you get it done for like
half the price or even less. for a license !!! not just a fregging test !!!
damn it.
esther and i have come to a comprimize , we're going to 'pia' our license like in august ??? so that by
some luck of a sick miracle ... we will get our license by like , next year ...
hopefully before chinese new year. heh. the faster the better.
the car's waiting. =)) and i know getting the license before my birthday might be a little far fetched. whichever.
we're going to get it in as little time as possible. i need the license. which means , one step closer to the car ... i
can already imagine the endless possibilities. oh yesh.
so yesh. its monday ,
school majorly sucked. i swear i hate my class mates. cause they suck as much as vegetables that have turned bad from the long exposure to heat. so yes.
school sucked , cept for the breaks where by i get to see
the clique and krsytal. =))
they always make me happy. oh yyessshhh. tabooo ... its getting tougher , trust me. and not to mention more funny !!! ha ha.
so yesh. tomorrow tomorrow ,
to get some exercise done or to get my arse to town ... now that is the question.
kaaye\.- god damn the world ;
my life ;
and not forgetting ; you.
memories locked at Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
yesterday was kinda great. well ... a little more then just great. it was finally the reunion. heh. we headed down to
MOS. the music kinda
sucked. and i swear the amount of horribly dancing men were aplenty. not that i am complaining. considering that they were our source of good entertainment.
there was
the indian ; who could shake his arse like a dumb bell. then there was
this mix ; who takes the whole dance floor and shakes / moves / jumps like a monkey. i swear if you guys were there ... you'd laugh your arses off. big time.
didn't see my hong kong dim sum though. which is more then
just saddening. damn it.
went out after that for supper. cause the music was
SO BAD. oh my fucking god. we went to maxwell ... all the OLD stories came flooding outt. which was kinda funny ;
reminiscing the good old hay days. ha ha. whichever ... went home before 2. imagine that. gawd.
went out with my parents today , to marina square. super interesting. we went every where ... including the near by M.walk and suntec city. we went every where i tell you. including candy empire !!!
got a hell lot of mints and chocolates. wee ... =)) that definately made my damn sissy freaking happy.
was at suntec looking at mitsubishi cars. they ain't that bad actually. especially the lancer cvt sports.
i love the inside. my mother's speciality is the back seats. cause ...
that's where she will be sitting. ha ha. LOL.
whichever ... my
stupid driving license is not even here yet. i have to get and take driving lessons ... such a freaking bore. damn it. all the paper work is going to drive me
NUTS !!! when ever am i going to get my pussy wagon.
kaaye\.- just push the bug.
a little more.
you'd see what i mean.
by i am freaking disappointed in you.
memories locked at Sunday, June 25, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
if one day i awake and i find everything queer and everything wierd ... as if i have never seen anything of such before ...
i wonder how would that feel. sometimes i really wonder , what it would feel like.
i don't know what i am saying this for , maybe ... just maybe i might be somewhat feeling such ???
i don't know where i am now. neither do i know ... where i really stand in this messed up world that we al call home. i really wonder what its going to be like ...
awaking in awe and wonder at where and what you are ...the
defences have been broken but my foundation is still there and its going to forever be ... don't talk to me about the past people who used to rule my life ... they have
literally disappointed me so much ... i don't think i would even recognize them anymore , even if they look the same.
it no more links with me , cause they are no more associated with me.
breathe the name in front of me and die. that is what i am getting at. cause frankly ,
i don't know anyone of them anymore. and not like i really did. i lost them in my past life. not in this.
its going to be
great tonight. and i pray it will.
kaaye\.- you were all i needed.
you made me feel ;
again.
even though its more then just wrong.
memories locked at Friday, June 23, 2006
I , kaye ong su teng. am currently doing my mask as i am typing this entry. its nice to do mask. you can literally feel the mask tightening your skin and then after which , your skin hasd this really bouncy effect. of which i so love. heh.
MASKS ROCK. whichever , today has got ot be the
best/worse day ever in my entire week. i so solemly swear. the lesson today was so dry ... it somehow felt like i was studying somewhat of
sahara. which made the day so boring and more lengthy then it really should be.
i hate circuit analysis. i don't see how people can actually get masters for this subject.
in heaven's name.
so yesh.
taboo ... is currently the most faved game of my clique in poly. everyone loves it. its like one of the most interesting games that school has to offer ??? like ...
'what does kay like to do with girls ???' ; 'nana is ... ???' ; 'xiao ling and sean ... last time they said that they wanted to get married and ... ???'.oh my god. i tell you. its like so
freaking funny ... the answers are as follows ,
'flirt' , 'lazy' and 'elope'. ha ha. oh my tian. its got to be the funniest thing you can espect from this stupid group of friends that i have. heh heh.
we definately had fun.
and then we went to j8.
nana , wei wei , ling and i. kinda had crystal jade for dinner then ... went shopping ... i am so going to
get my ear hole back to size. and get my
stupid facial piercings. its going to be one hell of a thing. and i am going to love every single bit of it. heh.
eyebrown and lip piercing seh. HA !!!whatever i am tired. and its time to get my mask off. heh.
kaaye\.- if i had one wish.
we'd never known each other.
memories locked at Friday, June 23, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i tell you.
i solemly swear to you. i am back on the drawing board. with the pampering of self. with the pampering ... with the spending of time with the ones who make me feel safe and sane.
i love them tons. and i swear to you ... its times like this , its times like when i feel like killing myself over a
stupid compunctuious bitch that i really thank them for being there. i really really do.
whichever it is , yeah. i really don't know what i am getting done here anymore. my contract signing with the navy is on the
30th of this month.
AKA NEXT WEEK FRIDAY. i don't know how in the world i am going to go. neither do i know ... if i really want this for my life and all ...
its scary , and its going to be the
biggiest decision that i am ever going to make. its a make or break kinda thing. and i ... call the shots for this. no one else does. which in turn causes the
HUGE stress thing ... of which i so hate and detest to every single bit.
i wonder what is going to happen and everything.
cause i am so scared i make the wrong decision. but yet again ... i know that i am not. cause ... the world out there is so carniving ... its a dog eat dog world out there and
i don't like snatching things from people neither
do i like to compete for the same things as like ... 10 or 30 other people alike.
whichever.
something's bubbling under and i don't know what. for all i know is ...
i don't want to get involved with anyone anymore.
its scary and i fall into things too quickly and everything turns more vulnerable then before everything began.kaaye\.- its over and done.
but the heart ache lives on inside.
take a peek.
take off.
don't let me see you again ; i beg.
memories locked at Thursday, June 22, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
wenny aka my bluddder is back in singapore. i don't know why ... but i suddenly feel like ,
i am very safe. in which sense of the word , i am not really sure. but , i really do feel safe.
with wenny , with denyse , with esther and with hue. i don't know why. i some how know that they will be on my side. no matter what. of which is why i love them so much. =))
and now with wenny back ...
everything's in place again. i
KNOW i am going to have fun. and i
KNOW i am not alone in this ruthless ; messed up ; caniving world full of carnivours. its scary out there. it really really is ...
its a wonder on how it ever became so ...
messed. really.
it's lead me to think. its lead me to sit down and weigh my thoughts. its lead me to make decisions , that benefits me.
instead of you. its always been you , you , you and more you. this time i am going to make sure its different. i don't want to head back there.
i don't want to see myself fall and not be able to do anything. don't come running back to me for solance.
don't. i am not your safety net. no more ever again.
don't come back. leave me alone. let's go back to one month ago. i don't need this shit coming from you. i don't know you ...
i never did. and i don't ever want to.
get a move on.
leave me alone. memories and all. take them along , do what you want. cause i
sure as hell don't want them anymore.kaaye\.- you remind me of a girl i once knew.
see her face ,
everytime i look at you.
memories locked at Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
its a fact :
'i don't need something that can be broken'. so thanks to all those who gave me a heart and who started my heart on its pilapitations. cause ,
i really don't need it anymore. please come over and take it back. i don't need and
i definately don't want a heart to begin with. from now till , i so deem fit. its hard enough trying to cope with school.
its even worse when there's a heart at play.i don't know if you noticed.
i am getting quiet. i don't wish to socialize anymore. at least not so often with the people that i barely even know. and i don't seek to make new friends with those in my class who
I SWEAR ; are giving me a hard time on the intention of fun. trust me , you'd get your fruits of labor soon enough.
i don't have to give them to you , you'd recieve it in a form of karma.i have definately
not gone introverted. at least i don't wish or think that i have become one. i don't wish to be like this. but this world ;
this life ; this place is so messed up i can't breathe anymore in this very choking society. Its taking more then i can give.
seeking more to feed its endless hunger inside. there's really not much to say.
i want my friends to stay happy. not bother about the
stupid people in the world who want to make their haven a hell for them.
i seriously detest those people who make them feel shallow and make them feel small. these are the exact
judgemental arses who should take a good look into the mirror on what they really are ... scum bags full of nonsense up their sleeves. i don't need to know what they are ... i just know that they are there. and
i hate every single second of their pressence on this earth.
and the most importantly ,
the ones who break and hang people in mid air thinking its some game of which its so fun to play. you know ...
'why not fish ; its fun and well ... i am not the one who's going to be the one getting hurt'. frankly speaking ... i don't really care. your policy is such :
it works. as long as the one who gets hurt is not me. ITS ALL GOOD.if i could name you. i would. you're making me become this huge dismantled arse. of which
i have got no comprehension to what i have changed to.
its not your fault. its mine. i shouldn't have let you in.kaaye\.- fark off.
die.
do anything.
just leave me alone.
memory and all.
memories locked at Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
'get a move on now , there is no more turning back'. i keep telling myself. but i my mind moving back wards , whilst i see my body moving forward.
'its mind over matter'.
if you think ; you are. or so says the old saying.
i can't get my mind and body together.
my heart tells me its wrong. but yet again , its the
only 'alive' feeling that its felt since ; forever. its wrong to think about it in such a light. my body's doing what my brain thinks is right. which is the
logical way.
its
not heading way back to history. i won't allow it to. its merely disrupted the wall that i had built ,
brick by brick and inch by inch. its partly gone down the drain. but the foundation's definately there.
its just the mending part that's gone to work now. i swore to myself not to let it fall and crumble.
but it did.
compunctious. that is what she is. inside outt. kaaye\.- its never going to take place again.
door mat ; yours.
i am not.
memories locked at Monday, June 19, 2006
try to read the title of this blog entry of mine. i want to do that. no no ... not to anyone of you.
but to o'malley. for what reasons ... no one needs to know. really. whichever it is ... its over between o'malley and i. she has currently
disrupted everything i had.
and all just ...
in a flick of her hair.
you seriously don't want to know what i am really feeling at this moment in time. the amount of
foul and vulgar words that are coming out of my brain is definately more then you can think of. TRUST ME.
whichever. today is like the first day of school ... and everything is
super fucked up ... i am
dead stressed outt. everything was being done wrongly. i swear its the worst thing ever !!! oh my fucking god. and i need to chill out soon. or
i am going to die. worst of all. i have a
disfunctional o'malley ... who keeps me as her
door mat and her tingle service. and when you thought life has already boxed you in the face with all ... the bad things the world has to offer ... oh man.
you don't know ... what might just hit you so hard ;
you never knew it came. HA ! that's what i call life.
boo yeah.
kaaye\.- uh huh.
hold me hanging on a string.
its okay.
cause the policy is there.
'as long as its not me'.
HA !
memories locked at Monday, June 19, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
uh huh.
tomorrow's the start of school. just when i was starting to enjoy the late nights and all ... school is tomorrow. in another words ,
NO MORE 12 am and 3 am FOOTBALL MATCHES. god damn it. i hate school. ... this sucks.
i hate school. why can't school being
only after the world cup ends !!!??? won't that be great. gosh.
whichever.
SOMEONE ; SOMEBODY ; ANYBODY !!! please tell me i am doing the right thing. in ignoring and trying to be who
i should be instead of shallowing and being fucking compunctious. which i am , so totally am not. neither am i even thinking about it.
its a matter of how you construe your thoughts.
its the process.
god damn it.
tell me i am doing the right thing. i don't want to be a
door mat. its not right. and i shouldn't be anyone's. life shouldn't work this way. i can't wait till next week ... i mean ... this coming saturday. its going to rock. cause ...
I AM GOING TO DXO with DENYSE !!! =)) oh yesh. and not to mention ... i think the crowd is going to be
pretty and hott. so hott. i think i should wear a singlet and fbt. ha ha. joking. whichever.
the crowd's eye candy. the drinks are potions. and the company ... al dente. =))
what more can i ask for.kaaye\.- how do you say.
'we need to talk'.
memories locked at Sunday, June 18, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
let's get to the point.
i was sick. dead sick. coughing my lungs out , ran a fever and not to mention a dripping nose. BUT. i went down to MOS. which is such a
bad decision. i swear it was. bad decision.
the images did not go out of my head. so dead. damn it. finally met toh , her gf and her other friend. along with my ah hue !!! =))
whichever man. i tell you ... it was such a
wrong decison. i was like so stuck in between everything.
being naturale was out of the question. i met someone. someone i know. and someone ... pretty interesting and all so alluring. of which , i cannot resist.
i don't do well with temptation. i really don't.
whichever. the staring game happened. and the ... part where by you pretend not to see the person happened. and even though you know you touched her somehow you pretend you did not. and you were trying
ALL SO HARD to PRETEND that ... you were dancing ... and you danced your heart out ... for some farking reason ;
you don't know.
WOW.
so much for life and its game.
farking hell.
its hong kong dim sum. the pipping hot one.
whichever. that was yesterday. today ... i had a pretty bad head. went to work as usual ... then headed down town for dinner and
GARFIELD !!! =)) oh man. i love the fat cat. farking funny and he's got the
attitude i so wish to have. freaking funny. i was pretty much laughing throughout the whole freaking movie !!! damn it.
went to raffles for a while then back home am i !!! wee ... tired ; stressed and my brain's on overdrive for far too long.
wei wei ... maybe dinner's not coming after all. =))
=
know what. maybe its just me. but you know something.
i don't like being a door mat. neither do i like doing your safety net. i don't have to surcome to such a shallow state just so that i can somehow be a
little bit happier then i can be. its not working.
i don't like being nice to you.
i really don't.
cause you were the one who caused the heart aches. you were the one who cheated on me. you were the one who made the most promises ; and also the one who broke most of them. you were the one you said forever. look now. HA !!!i am not going to be your door mat darling. neither am i going to be your safety net.kaaye\.- you know.
i really want to love you.
but i can't.
memories locked at Saturday, June 17, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
HAPPY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY ESTHER !!!ha ha.
happy happy birthday !!! =)) you know
denyse and i love you tons. and even if i get into the navy ...
i'd never forget you. if you don't , its about time you knew. ha ha. whichever. here's wishing you all the best in everything you do and may all your wishes come true. =))
=
so yesh. i have never had this feeling before. but you know what.
i am damn happy. okie. if you think
my happiness is but trivial ... i suggest you forget about reading the rest of the entry.
thankyou.
whichever ,
i feel happy. o'malley ; o'malley ; o'malley. i
actually think i miss her. then again , i don't. what's going on is simple.
a no status relationship i think ??? aka NSR ??? maybe. i don't know. its like ...
so farking complicated. but yet again ...
everything's being placed on the table. funny how it is. really. o'malley called twice yesterday. it made me
fucking happy. and for another thing , i was fucking worried. as in seriously worried , so to her whereabouts and who she was with.
what's going on. really.
ARGH !!! my throat hurts and my maid says now
i not only look like a guy i cough and sound like one. thanks man.
i need a miracle medicine of some sort.
cure this damn throat and cough. damn.
kaaye\.- this itchy ; fetchy feeling's ,
wierd.
i actualy think ;
i miss you.
memories locked at Wednesday, June 14, 2006
i don't know whether i should be happy or not at all.
i got into the navy. i have to go back on the
28th of june and on the 29th of july for the second interview and the contract signing , as follows. but then the thing is that , i am having
butterflies in my tummy. which is making me go nuts. i don't know whether i should or not.
it
seems promising. and i swear there was this super
wierd moment during the interview. cause it was conducted with 3 other people. it was damn wierd la. so the very queer moment happened like that :
officer : so , can i say that you like to dress more to the masculine side ???
me : yes. you could.
officer : would it be a problem if you were to train with girls ???
me : why should there be.
okie. it was totally wierd. and
definately uncalled for. cause like ,
HELLO !!! how the fuck do you ask this kinda question man. oh my fucking god. whichever. he can
rot in hell.
went to work yesterday feeling super tired. cause the night before that i went for a majong session and only slept at like 5am in the
fucking morning. not that i am complaining or anything. but i had to wake up at 0830 hrs just for the farking interview.
you do the math.
i think i have an
o'malley. not the normal kinda o'malley. more of the , you do things with but yet again you don't. that kinda thing. i am in a stupid positon which i put myself into. it goes like this , she is someone.
pretty important in your life. whether you like her on the surface or not. you do like her inside.
admist the facade and everything you put on.
secondly , if she comes back to you like bees to honey ; than what. no.
there was no sextual activity involved. but its like when you see her , there is this
insatiable desire to hug her. not the kinda friendly hug. but the kinda hug that can make
everything else around you go slient ; and that's really all i need.is there an
'us' now. i don't know. this is one
hell of a roller coaster ride i tell you. i met o'malley yesterday with her friend. we kinda hanged out. went to marina square finally saw
ahtoh aka qingaide.
missed her to bits.
then after
much consideration i went back to her place.
for football of course. it sucks staying home watching it alone. when there is no one to accompany you. so yesh. i went for a stay over.
the rest is to be in my private blog.
its wierd. i know. but yet again. this is me. so me.
i hate myself. counsellour asked if i knew what i was doing. i told her. i
some how do. and yet i don't. which is really what is going on at this moment in time.
o'malley and i talked about it last night. its not that we are not single.
we definately are. but then the thing is ... what is going on here !!!???
oh my fucking god.
i don't want to have any strings attached. it works better. yesh ???
i am so in shit.
so what are we considered eh. wait ... is there a
'we' to being with ??? then again , i was thinking. what am i really thinking. this is getting way out of hand and complicated. i think o'malley and i need to talk.
big time.kaaye\.- i didn't think i love you enough.
maybe that explains this.
memories locked at Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
'maybe we should all go into , stealth mode'. i think that is what will work best. stealth being , i know what is going on i see you ; but you cannot or rather ... even know my very existence.
HA. take me as being
very cynical or that i am just sprouting nonsense , as i am always. but it makes very much more sense than you think it does.
i have not lost my chasity ; my mind or my heart. i just think that there is way ...
WAY too many things that we should get right.
of which i still haven't. which i am well aware of. my goodness. i can't believe i am ranting.
its okay.
go into stealth mode. ignore the sms that i sent you. my patience level is to
level zero. i don't want to be your damn rebound.
neither do i want to be your net. i don't wish to catch you when you fall. even though i know that
some how it has already become this way.i am
putting a full stop to it. its not going to happen. nothing more is ever going to happen. it was a
big compunctious mistake , that will never happen again. i am not going to let you leave me hanging on a string ; awaiting for help.
its not going to happen.i am
NEVER going to let it.
so as i was saying.
maybe let's all go into stealth mode. it might be better for everyone. maybe.
kaaye\.- don't keep me in the dark.
i am not the person you used to know.
memories locked at Monday, June 12, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
i swear. there is
nothing worse then getting drunk and then feeling sleepy. i really mean it !!!
yesterday night was great. we went to DXO. as in
esther , esther in law and my huggee !!! *muacks.
we went to
DXO. the
music was great. i swear. we went to get free drinks as well. woo wee. i tel you that jug would have cost me like 40 +++ bucks. but i got it for free. ha ha.
this is damn dumb. but yesh. and i drank a
fucking lot of shots !!! oh my tian la.
dee and i were
happy people dancing on the dance floor. goodness. the music was great. and we met dumb people along the way. though i must say , there were damn
cute ; good looking ones !!! oh yesh.
so before i got too farking drunk ... we decided to go home. rather the 3 of them.
where i went to and what i did , will be blabbered in my private blog. all it is ,
i am in such a big black hole. i semi-knew what i was getting myself into. and yet again ,
i don't. my goodness.
whichever. i came home at 6. and my stomach ...
got worse. i didn't head to work today. which in turn , ended up to be
family day. with the lunch , shopping with
your head in the clouds and dinner to end everything off.
i got a new belt. with its buckle spelling
'pimp'. i love it. cause it big and its
atrociously interesting. and dad got everyone in the house
ginseng masks. which i am currently testing outt.
without further a do. i am going to relax and try to
let the ginseng do its magic and try get my skin nicely tightened. =))
kaaye\.- its a wonder if i knew ,
what i am getting myself into.
memories locked at Sunday, June 11, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
yesterday !!! wee ... i had one of the most
gas stayovers in a very long time. cause , cause ... we kept farting. yesh people farting. wei wei and i went to xiao ling's place for a stay over. its interesting cause like , we just had this
insatiable desire to fart. er , farting's not all that bad. right ... ???
anyways , went to work yesterday and i did morning shift !!! wasn't all that bad actually. not that tiring. heh heh. whichever ,
wei wei came down to harbour to pick me up. wee. =)) then down we went to sengkang. met
ling. and i realised , there is
nothing there at compass point.
we went around compass point's fruit section , of cold storage. in the
impeccably difficult find for fruits for ling's mother. ha ha. oh yesh. we were finding for fruits for the mother. heh.
afterwhich , we went to ling's place. to pig outt. and i mean
PIG out. with the little scratchy thing aka pokey. we went to the room to watch 'wo he jiang shi you yue'. ha ha. omfg.
i am so happy it was in cantonese !!! woo hoo.
headed to bishan for dinner at pasta mania. oh my god la. we spent like a hell lot of money on food. and guess what ... we bought beer !!! rather wei wei and i. which in the end ... wei wei couldn't take it and
i had MORE beer. oh yeaahhh.
happy kaye.
watched like the opening of the world cup match between germany and costa rica. wei wei was so happy cause the players were kinda handsome. and we were debating on ... which one looks better. ha ha. ling was bored to bits. so ... it was more
'i have a meeting with vampire'. ha ha.
and in the midst. the pausing and playing of the disc , cause , we were like practically talking about everything. including
'yu mo gai gai'. ha ha. whichever. i think i am in shit.
big time.
we watched till like ... 5 plus in the farking morning !!! ar !!! before i knew it. my eye lids shut on me and i was in
fluffy cloud land. heh. the 2 awoke so much earlier then me. i swear. lunch was nice. cause ling's mummy cooked !!! yummy. then more slacking and eating.
i think, there should be less of such stay overs. of else ...
the weighing machine's going have a hard time. ha ha.
i love you girls !!! =)) =
wo wan bu qi. i don't really know.
what i am in for.
but yet again i do.
time is of the essence.
spending it on people you love.
friends.
makes it worthwhile.
but what if.
i don't mind wasting my time.
on you.
but ; on the other hand.
i do.
kaaye\.
memories locked at Saturday, June 10, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
let's get with it. i went to work today ... thinking that i had work. to my dismay ; i didn't. roni had wani to cover for me. damn it. so i waited for like
2 blinking hours for gazel to finish her damn work. and my 'god father' came. aka my district manager. who everyone's fearful of except me , cause he's especially nice to me !!!
we ; my
'god father' and i actually went to bet on football together and read newspapers together. admist
the very wierd aura that was in store today. ha ha. once lil' gazel was done. it was off to town !!!
meet my
darling blooder at orchard mrt. headed to starbucks - wa. then we went to get bro's hair cut ; short. =)) my dear bro has this thing ,
as long as her hair is longer then mine. everything's okie. rrriiiggghhhttt. whichever. i like wearing my hair short. its nice and cooling.
then
dee came !!! and i met my
dad. which resulted in my newly lit cig into the dustbin. damn. *grumbles. whichever. went to taka. dee got a guess top. which
cost her a bomb , but made her
VERY very happy. ha ha.
wait. there were these 2 wanttobe ahlians that wanted to step into the toilet of far east.
i was at the sink. wenny was doing her mascara. dee was in the loo. they kept looking at the toilet gender sign , then me , then at each other. i got a little
appalled. look at them from the reflection on the mirror and i went , '
yes. this IS the girl's toilet'. damn. are they dumb or stupid.
we then had dinner at taka's food court. nice and cheap. then off to ceni. we met elton. and did i mention ... my dear wenny CANNOT.
CANNOT speak cantonese. she seriously
CRACKED DEE AND I UP. HUGE TIME. you don't want to know why. she was all canto all over ... damn.
we went for another puff. whist waiting for elton to end work. but ... okie.
this is going to sound dumb. wenny and i had a bad feeling. it doesn't always come. but when it does it , it is farking accurate. i swear.
HOME was the only thing we were thinking off.
the longer i sat there , i could feel a tear about to erupt from my eye. and
i don't know why.
so we hurriedly went to centerpoint , get my black top , then headed home.
i don't want to know what was or would take place. cause
i know that it would be so bad ... i wouldn't be able to take it. the gut feeling was
farking strong.
whichever.
i am happy i got my top and that i met wenny and dee. whatever was to happen ...
i don't want to know. cause i think i already do.
kaaye\.- looks like fate's not ,
on my side.
relief or not.
i don't need an answer.
memories locked at Thursday, June 08, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
let's try to address this in the most ...
gentle and as
softly as i can.
my friends are all pretty ...
stressed out.
over something or another.
and its
not making life any easier.
i don't mind you guys telling me stuff.
sometimes ...
the answer is pretty clear.
let's get to the point.
shall we ???
firstly , the - ings.my first group
i seek solance from.
and also the one that is having a crack.
i am a little
disappointed.
really.
where's the love gone to.
for real this time.
where has the love gone to.
tiffany.
i know you are busy at school.
and busy with someother stuff i don't know about.
but your priorities are
not set right.
which in turn causes all the mess.
sms me to club on a weekday.
when the week before , you tell me ...
'i need to concentrate on my school work.'.
its ironic and its contradicting.
wenny.
the one who i love the most.
for being
the blooder i never had.
*muacks.
you always try to be there when i need you.
and when the ings need you.
have some faith.
i know you can't go out often.
which is why we always ask you first.
heh.
denyse.
have some
faith in people.
especially when they have already let you down.
cause ,
its the only thing left to do.
and its the only thing we got to do.
cause they are our friends.
no matter what.
and
we love them.
even if we get tired of doing so.
secondly , my bitches in poly.
the ones who make my poly life.
so much more enriching.and are always there to chant my sutra with me.
=))
oh yeah.
'yu guai momo fai ti zhao'
wei wei.my one year anniversary partner.
don't worry
karma works in wonderous ways.
always remember ,
being the better person always stands out in the long run.
and not being the 'hero' for a spolit second.
a friend is always better then an enemy.
love will come.
in time.
patience.
you know i love you the most out of the whole clique.
so cheer up.
xiao ling.
i know you have not forgotten him.
don't lie.
cause
its oblivious to everyone around.
volley ball's driving you nuts.
i know.
take some time off.
don't let things
eat you out.
none of us likes you see you like this.
=))
nana.
finally on diet.
so proud of you.
really.
i have never been so proud.
heh.
at least you're doing something about your health.
everyone's so happy for you.
cause an effort is seen.
keep it up.thevi.
dating's fine.
just
don't get yourself into trouble.
which ...
somehow you always do.
ha ha.
you know ...
its not the destination.
its the journey.
you'd find your boo.
soon.
thirdly , the rest.
esther.
its not about playing.
its not about anything.sometimes , you
cannot have 2 all the time.
why be with someone when only ...
half your heart is there.
but you still love the person.
you have to give up on him sooner or later.
and i know its difficult.
spare a thought for my secretary in law.
put yourself in his shoes.
if he were to find out.
and that army boy's
nothing good either.
i am sure you know.
selina.
my
bitch.
go with the flow and
don't let things too tangled.
charlene's one difficult person to analyze.
whether or not you think i am right ...
i actually think that she is going to be your eyecandy.
believe it or not.
for you will like some one else better then her.
soon enough.
cause she's a
hard nut to crack.
and i don't know why she is causing you to become this dismantled.
whichever.
you'd find your love soon.
you full blown lesbian.
ha ha.
=))
kaaye.
memories locked at Tuesday, June 06, 2006
i am so sick.
i think
i can see heaven's gates opening up for me.
and i have got no idea how i ever got so sick !!!
this sucks.
sugar mummeh's sick too.
this is very saddenning.
i am so sick.
i have 2 days MC.
and i have
loads of medicine.
my doctor gave me something stronger for my head.
and its going to cause my gastric to go mad.
thank god for the antacid !!!
whichever it was.
last night was one of the nights ...
i had my worse sleep.
wait ...
its not like i actually got much.
but the naps were so disturbing.
i wanted to kill myself.
damn it.i feel
horrid.
puked 3 times !!!
imagine that.
my sister is also sick.
WHY IS EVERYONE SICK !!!no tanning on thursday.
melissa ong is going to kill me.
i am going to be good and
try finish my medicine.
i want to head to ling's house on friday.
with the rest of the girls.
=))
oh hell.
today is 06062006.
can anymore
bad things befall on me.
*taps fingers on table.
i am waiting ... taking it to a new level.
i can feel myself drift away.
with or without you.
i am
leaving.the place you once called ours.
kaaye\.- a figure of speech.
a figure in my memory.
memories locked at Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
the weather today is
so warm.
i think my room has turned into a steam room.
i need the
RP cooling machine !!!
i actually decided to get this ...
paul smith top.
of course with the,
financial help of my mother.
but it turns out that,
they did not have any smaller size.
mind you.
the top that i had my hand on.
was like so big ...
my dad could get into it.
its pretty sad.
cause the lines were all so clourful and nice !!!
a pity they had
no size.
and hugo ran put of the shirt i want.
how nice.
damn it.
i am going to head out with steph soon.
shall pop by to wisma.
to see if
dearest selina and ...
boob hitting siew li is around.
considering i miss them to bits !!!
skipped my navy interview today.
and its been postponed to next week's 13th.
down with a stupid cough ...
so i think .. and interview at this point in time ...
is
pretty useless.
some
irritating thing ...
woke me up this morning !!!
its known as my hand phone.
which
spills hokkien the minute i have a new sms.
righttt.
its getting on my nerves.
shit head.
i better head off now.
sugar mummeh's waiting !!!
kaaye\.- the alcohol couldn't kill me.
but you can.
memories locked at Sunday, June 04, 2006
Saturday, June 03, 2006
i just sat down and thought just now.
what the heck am i going to do with my life.
my interview for the navy is on monday.
i am
so nervous.
i am turing to become this
paranoid bugger ;
that has
no hope for tomorrow.
if tomorrow even comes for me.
i am on
prozac and morphine.
which i know will not do me good in the long run.
cause of its
adverse side effects.
which every single medical eprson knows about.
prolonged usage
will cause addiction.
i know.
and i don't wish to get addicted to things like that.
i rather smoke.
and drink.which i know i am somehow hooked.
a week without it ;
is something like a week without air.
which is alreay
bad enough.
and then ...
to add on to all this stupid stress.
i have
judgemental people.
i am always tlaking about them.
cause somehow ;
they make me irritated.
everytime i think about them.
which sucks.
i hate being judged.
and given the death sentance when i don't deserve it.
its their own dumb judgements.
we need to change.
the world doesn't wait for you.
i am not normal.
i know.
i don't have to conform to the norms.
its my choice.
at least
i made a choice.
unlike some.
and then the major thing.
i am not with anyone.
haven't been with anyone.
flings glaore
you might think.
nah.
don't have any.
i am so
farking scared of getting into one.
ask those i am close with.
leave me out of the emo stuff.
i am so
freaking scared.
to even try liking someone.
its like ...
if i found someone attractive last time.
my natural reaction would be to get to know them.
then see how things get on.
with a
little fishing and flirting.
it
always works.
but now.
i am
so scared to even think about that.
i am
even scared to even try talking to the person.
imagine that !!!
i am such a sucker.
and i know ...
i know.
november 4th or not.
it'd
never happen.
so i ask myself why wait.
my only answer to that ...
its just
an excuse.
so that i won't feel that bad.
cause i somehow know at least i have tried.
somehow.
i have tried.even though.
i know , i can get somethings done.
i'd not do it.
she's happy with the new hitch.
a happiness.
i could never bring her.
ever.
so there is
no point.
but then again ...
i am trying to look on the bright side.
which is slowly turning into
grey.
and its
more then just oblivious. if you are reading this.
do me this small favor.
i will keep it in my I.O.U book.
listen to this ;
will young - who am i.you don't have to tell me you have.
as long as you have.
if you even read this junk.
yup.
i am trying not to give up.
even though i don't know what i am doing.
it
feels like i do.
somehow.
kaaye\.
memories locked at Saturday, June 03, 2006
i've given up hope.
on hope itself.
everything's not getting my way.
the light at the end of the tunnel's dimming ;
with every breathe i take.
the air gets thinner.
and i start to hallucinate ;
you.=
forgive me or being this adsent minded.
but i just realised something.
i am on the next month already !!!
wee ...
this is such a
good thing.
one less month on my life list.
=))
just got back from work.
and its getting crazy.
cause the new girl can't do anything.
but i have to let her try help.
which in the end.
gets into my way.
i hate this lose ; lose situations.
it sucks.
such a dread.
not that she is not a nice girl.
its more of the working part.
last night was interesting.
i went out with
esther.
we did the usual
auntie and uncle thing at tiong.
coffee.
walk about.
and to end off ...
ntuc.
if you are giving
a very wierd expression now.
take it off your face.i get uncle sometimes.
its fun.
i love walking around ntuc.
and then
buy crap that you never need.
cause you think that it's
cheap.
ha ha.
so yeah.
after that.
went home.
met hue !!! ha ha.
went to wala , with hue , mel ong , fiza & these 2 guys.
which i never really got their names.
*looks around.
whichever.
it was pretty fun.
then we went for supper.
oh yesh.
did i mention i
MET MY AUNTIE at siam reap.
my aunt.
omfg.
another week is about to start soon.
interview is on monday.
i need all the luck.i don't know what i am in for.
i swear.
its time for my siesta.
=))
laters.
kaaye\.- if only the sense of alcohol.
can bring me away from this place.
if only.
memories locked at Saturday, June 03, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster.
I know, the last in line is always called a bastard.
I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster.
I know.
I know.
I know, you cut me loose in contradiction.
I know, I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition.
I know, it's asking for your benediction.
I know.
I know.=
i just got back from the doctor's.
not long ago.
and i have been doped
'the person who keeps coming back.'for
more medical advices and medical supplies.
damn it.
not like i
want to get sick.
so yesh.
i was at sgh.
cause
i hate these migrane relapses.
which totally sucks.
so i went to the specialist.
HA.
what a surprise.
i have my morphine pills again !!!=))
ha ha.
the doctor gave me full does of them.
and at the same time ...
i got a course of prozac.
happy pills !!!watch outt !!!
i am coming !!! oh yesh.
i can
forget about the sleepless nights,
and the
painful cried outt eyes.
beat that.
whichever it was ...
i met
my shrink.
she was asking me
how i was and everything.
and that my appointment is next week.
and i thought she would
forget.
damn it.
monday is coming.
my
interview is coming.
i don't know how the farking world ;
am i going to
'sell myself'.i want into get into the navy.
but let's just see how everything goes.
i'm so sick and tired.
so i think the navy will od me good.
just play with water.
and sail away.
and wouldn't that be
heaven.
can't stop dreaming about it.
i hate being in this crap.
it stinks ...
and i am
not having a problem.
i am in a situation of immense chaos.
of which is
self inflicted.
i like it this way.
kaaye\.- god ;
please bless me with the divine power.
of being numb.
memories locked at Thursday, June 01, 2006
What makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound.
say now you want to shake me too.
move down to me, slip into you.
She sinks in my mind as she sheds through her skin.
touch like taste like fire.
hands to know what eyes no longer defend.
hands to fuel desire.
I'll be fine, you'll be fine.
this moment seems so long.
don't waste now, precious time.
we'll dance inside the song.=
i am
trying to control.
the
tears from falling.i am feeling like crap.
when i type this entry.
its this
detestable feeling.
i don't think you'd ever live to comprehend.
i awake to this world.
who doesn't understand me.
not from the inside out.
they pass judgement.
like its
a death sentence.
i
can't try understanding why.
my family is
giving me more pressure.
then they
think exists.
my maid's causing it.
my parents have to think of the consequences.
guess who's the one taking the crap.i am the
only one in the house.
who
HAS to be there.
to
take care of everything.
cause my parents are too busy.
my gram has no power.
my sister is too pathetic to try ;
getting anything done at home. my head's aching.
cause seeing my parents in this plight.
when
every one else in my family only has the police ;
as the
'last resot'.
as what they call it.
no one should be put in this position.
at the age and time.
my classmates in school.
suck.
they
judge me.
and they don't treat me like i am a
normal human.
i am
under immense pressure as it is.
i don't get my grades.
my classmates suck.
cept for the few.
my heart's aching.
i am already
crying every night.
so that
maybe i get so tired.
my body gives up the fight to stay alive.
and
try to sleep.
i
try praying every night.
that all this would go away.
i
pray everynight that she'd ;
somehow come back.
and i know its never going to be enough. kaaye\.- Stab my back.
It’s better when I bleed for you.
Walk on me.
It never was enough to do.
memories locked at Thursday, June 01, 2006