Thursday, August 31, 2006
last night
i went clubbing. ha ha. =)) hella experience. but first thing's first.
yesterday i went to meet
wenny. even though i was awaken by the most annoying call ever. because , it was at 0950 hrs. people , that is a
GOD FORBIDDEN TIME TO MAKE CALLS. its early , and i slept at like 4 plus ; in the am.
thankyouveryverymuch. so yesh. still inmy very drunken stupor i went to harbor. with my handphone toned down the minute i awoke. 3 calls. 4 smses.
my mind was at its witt's end. seriously.
headed down. heh.
i got to work for an hour !!! i don't know who in the world will be
so happy to be actually working for free at starbucks.
but it definately was !!! heh. waited here and there. went for lunch with bro. its the usual suspect food item -
'yong tau fu'. =)) i love it. especially if its curry.
sweet. had a very good talk with her.
so now i know dude. ha ha. whichever , whatever happened ; happened. right ??? and till now ... to smile at that message or not , or to laugh at myself i still can't get it right. god. that message has
CONTRADICTION WRITTEN ALL OVER !!! -
nevermind.headed down to bugis. met
miss c , nelson and jonathan. rudolph came along too !!! ha ha. while the 2 guys and miss c went shopping at parco , rudolph and i went to get her nails done. the
'nail lady' is damn funny. and the best part ... both of us were like smoking away.
good partner to smoke with. ha ha.
headed to town for dinner. slacked like no one's business. then headed home to change. met
melissa ong , pauline and fiza afterwhich at devil's.
drank like no one's business ... headed to zouk.
MAMBO JUMBO NIGHT. i can't get enough of it.
its got to be the best thing on earth. the music was fucking good last night. but i left early.
got picked up ; headed for
supper at jalan kayu. then stayed over. god. both of us were like fucking sleepy and tired. it was around 4 plus ??? or 3 plus. woke up at 12 today. she had some
IMF thingy. and ... yeah. i had to wake up too. it was bad. headed home to change ,
ran my mother's errands. then went to town to meet her again along with rudolph. heh.
they were an hour and a half LATE. tell me about it. really.
wanted to go shoppping ;
but there was NOTHING !!! rudolph left early cause she ddn't want to watch thte movie. -
'monster house'. not bad of a show. really nice. the graphics are nice. headed to spin's. and i had like ...
'ting xie'. oh my god. i realised ... i can't write so many chee na maniam words !!! such an
embarrassment. then yeah.
NOW I AM HOME.can't wait for tomorrow.
kaaye\.- if i am left with one wish ;
it'd still be you.
know that.
memories locked at Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
currently very very very addicted to one song. its called
'is there truth in beauty'. its by
'just surrender'. its got to be one of the nicest songs i have heard from a group other then
lifehouse or sugarcult. of which ; is going to come out with a new album on the
12th of september. i am referring to sugarcult. and
i can't wait to get my hands on one of their cd's. or songs for that matter.
went out with
esther and the lil twit today. went to the hong kong place behind my place.
not bad. the food that is , the service definately gets a
'F'. whichever , lunch was pretty much okay , we were
just deprived of dessert. which suddenly became essential , for god knows what
blinking reason. headed down to centerpoint afterwhich , went to find out prices for a certain celebration the
-ing's are going to have this friday with krystal. =)) its going to be
her birthday celebration. can't wait. its going to be at hard rock and everything. i actually hope that everything falls into place. yup yup.
then ... headed to heeren ,
THERE WAS NOTHING. cept tha ti saw this every nice flesh imp top that
i am currently going GAGA over. its nice. and its on sale. now , doesn't that spell -
'BUY ME'. tell me it doesn't. whichever , i saw many other nice stuff to add on to my wish list.
went over to
bro's place after which. slacked a hell lot. watched tv. ... read mag.
HAD CABBAGE SOUP !!! dude cooked like a huge pot la. god. whichever it was ... it was really nice to have soup.
especially if it is bro's !!! =)) and now i am home.
dad's kicking a fuss. out of nothing. and i am getting irritated. cause ... cause ,
mother forgot pills. its day 3.
i think i am doing fine. but yet again ... i don't know. see that is the thing !!!
i don't know if i am really okay. its day 3.
HORMONES SHOW NO SIGN OF GOING NUTS. so am i fine ???
and at that ; she's dead once again.
resurrection time : unpredictable. i hate this.kaaye\.- i can't break away.
maybe you can teach me how.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 29, 2006
currently very very very addicted to one song. its called
'is there truth in beauty'. its by
'just surrender'. its got to be one of the nicest songs i have heard from a group other then
lifehouse or sugarcult. of which ; is going to come out with a new album on the
12th of september. i am referring to sugarcult. and
i can't wait to get my hands on one of their cd's. or songs for that matter.
went out with
esther and the lil twit today. went to the hong kong place behind my place.
not bad. the food that is , the service definately gets a
'F'. whichever , lunch was pretty much okay , we were
just deprived of dessert. which suddenly became essential , for god knows what
blinking reason. headed down to centerpoint afterwhich , went to find out prices for a certain celebration the
-ing's are going to have this friday with krystal. =)) its going to be
her birthday celebration. can't wait. its going to be at hard rock and everything. i actually hope that everything falls into place. yup yup.
then ... headed to heeren ,
THERE WAS NOTHING. cept tha ti saw this every nice flesh imp top that
i am currently going GAGA over. its nice. and its on sale. now , doesn't that spell -
'BUY ME'. tell me it doesn't. whichever , i saw many other nice stuff to add on to my wish list.
went over to
bro's place after which. slacked a hell lot. watched tv. ... read mag.
HAD CABBAGE SOUP !!! dude cooked like a huge pot la. god. whichever it was ... it was really nice to have soup.
especially if it is bro's !!! =)) and now i am home.
dad's kicking a fuss. out of nothing. and i am getting irritated. cause ... cause ,
mother forgot pills. its day 3.
i think i am doing fine. but yet again ... i don't know. see that is the thing !!!
i don't know if i am really okay. its day 3.
HORMONES SHOW NO SIGN OF GOING NUTS. so am i fine ???
and at that ; she's dead once again.
resurrection time : unpredictable. i hate this.kaaye\.- i can't break away.
maybe you can teach me how.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 29, 2006
currently very very very addicted to one song. its called
'is there truth in beauty'. its by
'just surrender'. its got to be one of the nicest songs i have heard from a group other then
lifehouse or sugarcult. of which ; is going to come out with a new album on the
12th of september. i am referring to sugarcult. and
i can't wait to get my hands on one of their cd's. or songs for that matter.
went out with
esther and the lil twit today. went to the hong kong place behind my place.
not bad. the food that is , the service definately gets a
'F'. whichever , lunch was pretty much okay , we were
just deprived of dessert. which suddenly became essential , for god knows what
blinking reason. headed down to centerpoint afterwhich , went to find out prices for a certain celebration the
-ing's are going to have this friday with krystal. =)) its going to be
her birthday celebration. can't wait. its going to be at hard rock and everything. i actually hope that everything falls into place. yup yup.
then ... headed to heeren ,
THERE WAS NOTHING. cept tha ti saw this every nice flesh imp top that
i am currently going GAGA over. its nice. and its on sale. now , doesn't that spell -
'BUY ME'. tell me it doesn't. whichever , i saw many other nice stuff to add on to my wish list.
went over to
bro's place after which. slacked a hell lot. watched tv. ... read mag.
HAD CABBAGE SOUP !!! dude cooked like a huge pot la. god. whichever it was ... it was really nice to have soup.
especially if it is bro's !!! =)) and now i am home.
dad's kicking a fuss. out of nothing. and i am getting irritated. cause ... cause ,
mother forgot pills. its day 3.
i think i am doing fine. but yet again ... i don't know. see that is the thing !!!
i don't know if i am really okay. its day 3.
HORMONES SHOW NO SIGN OF GOING NUTS. so am i fine ???
and at that ; she's dead once again.
resurrection time : unpredictable. i hate this.kaaye\.- i can't break away.
maybe you can teach me how.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 29, 2006
currently very very very addicted to one song. its called
'is there truth in beauty'. its by
'just surrender'. its got to be one of the nicest songs i have heard from a group other then
lifehouse or sugarcult. of which ; is going to come out with a new album on the
12th of september. i am referring to sugarcult. and
i can't wait to get my hands on one of their cd's. or songs for that matter.
went out with
esther and the lil twit today. went to the hong kong place behind my place.
not bad. the food that is , the service definately gets a
'F'. whichever , lunch was pretty much okay , we were
just deprived of dessert. which suddenly became essential , for god knows what
blinking reason. headed down to centerpoint afterwhich , went to find out prices for a certain celebration the
-ing's are going to have this friday with krystal. =)) its going to be
her birthday celebration. can't wait. its going to be at hard rock and everything. i actually hope that everything falls into place. yup yup.
then ... headed to heeren ,
THERE WAS NOTHING. cept tha ti saw this every nice flesh imp top that
i am currently going GAGA over. its nice. and its on sale. now , doesn't that spell -
'BUY ME'. tell me it doesn't. whichever , i saw many other nice stuff to add on to my wish list.
went over to
bro's place after which. slacked a hell lot. watched tv. ... read mag.
HAD CABBAGE SOUP !!! dude cooked like a huge pot la. god. whichever it was ... it was really nice to have soup.
especially if it is bro's !!! =)) and now i am home.
dad's kicking a fuss. out of nothing. and i am getting irritated. cause ... cause ,
mother forgot pills. its day 3.
i think i am doing fine. but yet again ... i don't know. see that is the thing !!!
i don't know if i am really okay. its day 3.
HORMONES SHOW NO SIGN OF GOING NUTS. so am i fine ???
and at that ; she's dead once again.
resurrection time : unpredictable. i hate this.kaaye\.- i can't break away.
maybe you can teach me how.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
i am suffering from
not having my drugs.my mother forgot to get the pills for me.
tonight is the 2nd night in a row.i can feel my hormones going bonkers.
my head's opening its own disco.
i need to get my pills.i am dying as i type.someone ;
something ;
anything.
help.my head's pounding and i can't find anything.
to help cope with it.
its getting out of hand.
maybe what i need is alcohol.help.
mummy don't forget.or your son here is going to die.
kaaye\.- get me those pills ;
i'm falling.
memories locked at Monday, August 28, 2006
this is how its been ,
this how it will be.
and when you wake up with him ;
remember when it was me.and i will always be waiting for you.
and i know you wil never see.that i can't break away from these chains to my heart.
the further you push me ,
the closer you are.maybe i should try to let go.
maybe i should try to walk away.
there is nothing left to say.do you remember when ,
you use to laugh with me.
and now i think i am the joke.
a punch line is all i will be.and i always will be waiting for you.
and i know that you will never see.that i can't break away from these chains to myheart.
the further you psuh me.
the closer you are.maybe i should try to let go.
maybe i should try to walk away.
there is nothing left to say.you will be waiting for the rest of your life ,
to find me missing.
the words don't mean nothing.but i will say them anyway.
i can't break away from these chains to my heart.
the further you push me.
the closer you are.maybe i should try to let go.
maybe i should walk away.
there is nothing left to say.=
its for you. cause
i know you will never see it. who am i to lie. there has only been you. and there will always be you. who's there to kid. the velvet curtains are staggering.
i can't keep them up much longer. welcome to the world behind those curtains ;
tears and pain.i would have stopped the world ;
to melt with you.you were never a friend to begin with.
kaaye\.- break the chains to my heart.
clean.
memories locked at Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
qing ai de and i have come to a conclusion ;
there is a problem with the school holidays. they make you not notice what actual day it actually is. like for an example , my qing ai de doesn't even feel the monday blues today.
YES ; its monday. at least i feel a little monday blues lingering somewhere. heh heh.
so yes.
i slept at like ... 3 plus coming 4 yesterday. was happily talking to
esther over the phone. i tell you ... i haven't been talking to esther for so long ; that
i serioulsy miss the times that we spoke for countless of hours. on doing nothing !!! ha ha.
now that is what i call entertainment.my melbourne trip is offically cancelled. i am pissed. but never mind. i am hoping for hong kong or something. i don't know.
i just hope that i can get out of singapore. and i want a whole new set of clothes. cause
i am feeling good. for now. that new set of clothes is coming in like ... 2 weeks time.
if everything goes on well ; that is.if everything is still like that in september ;
i intend to get something done about it.to navy be the glory.
and to me drinking at 2 in the afternoon ;
woth topshell and all. =)) kaaye\.- in life ;
you're the only thing.
memories locked at Sunday, August 27, 2006
tell the story like it has never been told.
from the heart and soul.
leave nothing to fate.
excuse nothing but trepidation.
never leave out the littlest details of the past.
or the story would have lost its purpose in everything ;
it might somehow stand for.
be it now.
or in the future.=
i am missing someone really badly now. its reliance that kills. i miss her alot. and i don't know why i do. maybe its just my very
uncontrollable hormones that are in the way , as usual. what more can i state about this matter. cause i hate it when
i feel powerless or when i don't know thy enemy. for this case , her.
yesterday night was
such a swirl. i can't remember alot of things. maybe its just me. as usual. left at around ...
early in the morning. headed down to zouk's wine bar. with
joan anne and her little crew of 4. they are definately ridiculous. i swear. funny as everything was.
it was really good. i got stuffed with alcohol and then for supper. had matabak.
woke up at like ... 1500hrs. i swear.
its freaky. headed down to my gram's not long after. i was tired. and yet i was bored.
i hate that feeling. had dinner. walked around tiong. and now i am home. its boring.
its boring.
i hate every little bit of my sunday.and i miss her.so tell me.
kaaye\.- fuck the world.
would you stop and see.
memories locked at Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
nice food.
extra nice food.
=
heh heh. went to bro's house early in the afternoon to cook !!! ha ha.
we had cold salad with sour cream ; chive dip , bruchestta (spelling`) and risotto. not forgetting
bro's very nicely done lemon honey tea !!! and all that just for dinner.
hue's couldn't make it for dinner. but never mind.
there wil always be another chance. =)) cooking was seriously fun.
denyse was happily touring the kitchen when bro and i were like cooking ... asking retarded question and at the same time ... doing what she does best.
- looking. ha ha.
denyse is damn cute la. not forgetting my canine nephew.
SO CUTE. ha ha.
fe fe is so handsome. just like uncle. buah ha ha. okay okay. never mind. he's uber cute. kept going around in circles for god knows what reason man. but whatever ...
he still looks uber cute. and that is all that matters !!!
went home with denyse at around ... 9 ??? reached home before 10. slacked, took a shower and off i went. yes.
AGAIN. i totally felt
tired and lazy. but never mind ... i got picked up by her. =)) tell me about it. heh heh. anyways , went for drinks and also a movie.
please don't waste money on 'frost bite' i tell you ... you might as well .. not do anything. cause it really really sucks balls. i swear. headed home after sending like 3 of her friends off. they are nice people.
fucking funny.woke up at ... 1630 this afternoon. i don't know how i did it.
i made history ; sleeping till that god forbidden timing. =)) oh wells. headed down town for her dinner and my coffee ... and then here i am !!!
i am tired.i don't know if i should be clubbing later.i am tired.
kaaye\.- you make me go in circles ;
time and time again.
memories locked at Saturday, August 26, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
there my gram goes again ,
screaming her arse off at the maid.
- who did nothing wrong.waking me up earlier then expected.
i slept at 3 and i am up at 10.
i hate being awoken.tired is the word to be used here.
i can't understand why.she has to shout her lungs out.
its irritating me.her nonsense is getting
intolerable.even my dad's got to hear about it.
the music is not making me feel any better.can't stand feeling screwed.
i hate waking up so early.but i can't wait to head to bro's place later.
the weather's looking good.
prozac's not helping with the head ache.
neither is synflex.cause her noise is just making my head pound.
like you'd never understand.its got to end.
or i'd be heading down the insanity lane again.
i've locked myself in the room.
music blasting.
yet her voice still penitrates the doors of my room.i feel powerless.and in this state.
nothing will really help.now would it.
kaaye\.- i hate it.
whenever i need anyone.
you're not there.
memories locked at Thursday, August 24, 2006
bro and i. what more can i say.
qing ai de and me !!!
=
heh heh heh. i went tanning today. with
qing ai de & friend , ling & rui. you do realise ...
i didn't bring anyone with me. but never mind.
I AM VERY SOCIAL. and i talk alot of cock. we went to sentosa !!! heh. went to palawan.
after sometime ...
the ice cream craving kicked in for qing ai de and her hunny. so we went down to siloso. and the best part of it all ... we stayed there and tanned for awhile. cause ...
the sun was too good to be missed. seriously. it was so good.
i couldn't resist.
and the most dumb thing happened ...
i got dragged by the tram. why ??? cause ... cause ...
i decided to jump off while the tram was still moving. EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO. heh heh heh. oh wells.
if you don't know me by now ... then i think that you have a problem. ha ha.
went to harbor. slacked for awhile , then they left.
one by one. aing ai de left for miickey. then ling & rui left for bugis.
i was camping at starbucks with bro !!! heh heh. i felt damn irritated cause i couldn't get anything done at the bar. cause i wasn't in uniform.
fuck it man. i miss my LAMA. the torment.
- so close and yet so far.=))
went for dinner. had
YONG TAO FU at the food court. then went back to starbucks for dinner. i tell you ... bro and i went to print pics. damn nice. =))
from old to now. from now to old. i tell you ...
we definately changed alot. gawd. i love the pics.
went to cold storage to get stuff for
tomorrow's cook out !!! oh yes. we are going to cook a 3 course italian meal. with jello and all. risotto's the main course. then for starters italian bread with cheese and tomato salsa. dessert would be strawberry jello. tell me. w
hat more can you wish for !!! oh yes.
we're camping at bro's place tomorrow.
i can't wait.and once again.
she's dead. predicted resurrection would be in about ... a day or two.
- hopefully. as they say , happy is the man that expects nothing. for he would not be disappointed. let's
HOPE so.
kaaye\.- the sun ,
the sand and the beach.
with friends.
what more.
memories locked at Thursday, August 24, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
this is how my hair looked like when i went for my english orals. it was
perpetually standing ; anti gravity and all. to my surprise ... the invigilators
didn't give a fuck bother on what is going on and all. ohmygawd. not that i mind ... but they really are
very unprofessional. seriously.
never mind. those people there are
seriously unconsiderate. but never mind that ... i think i scared my examiners. cause everytime , i say something like a
'big word' they
stare and glare at me in amazement. for god knows what reason. which is really interesting.
they asked -
'as a teenager at this age , what would and can you do to change in this community'.i replied -
'their social comportment'. trust me.
they stared BLANK. went over to yew tee after that. to pick
bro up. you see ...
i am a very very very nice person after all. from tiong all the way to yew tee mind you !!! then went back to harbor to meet
ah hue !!! =)) heh. it's hue's interview !!! =))
and yes
she got into harbor's starbucks. so happy for her. and now ...
its my turn , you see ... ana is going to try talk royston into letting me go back to work !!! i seriously hope i can ... cause i have been giving
FREE LABOUR !!! not that i mind. but i want to work more ...
i can't stand having nothing to do during the holidays !!! damn it.
and yes. we hung around. fagged. hung around somemore. had dinner ... and then ... fagged. hung around ...
gave free labour !!! then ... went home. not that i minded.
i love spending time with hue hue and bro. it was just sad that dee wasn't there.
DEE IF YOU ARE READING THIS - I MISS YOU !!! =)) hell i sure miss you already.where's this heading.
- i don't really know.
i don't know if i am going to MOS or am i not going to. it all depends on hue. cause its wednesday and
i can't stand staying home. cause its ladies night.
let me fish please !!! just for the fun of it at least !!!
kaaye\.- why does it always have to;
head somewhere.
can this be it.
memories locked at Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
so yes. i am in my living room.
all bright and early , with
no one waking me up this very morning. i am going to go for my oral test later. don't ask me why. i am just going.
i want an A1. carry on thinking i am mad. cause frankly , i think i am. but that is another matter in total. heh. =))
my cantonese songs are blasting in my ear ;
bliss. i have this thing for cantonese songs , the older the better.
they make me cry ; laugh ; and feel some what human. eh ... get it ??? they are damn nice to listen to , and i don't care if you call me a chee na pok.
cause i am not !!! its cantonese darling.
i had the wierdest of dreams last night.
please don't come true. its so freaky. cause i have been having dreams of her. and its killing me. it really really is !!! ARGH !!!
off i go. this sucks.
kaaye\.- so tell me ;
one more time.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 22, 2006
so the thing goes. i just got back from going out with the incubus. or some of you might call her
'miss c' or
'youknowwho'. but whichever it is , she is all the same person to me ,
yada yada. i feel some what
satisfied ???
which is some what of a bother actually. supposedly , after ut today , we were supposed to head down to like ...
THE GYM. and i meant it. we were supposed to get some gym done , but i wanted to take a rest.
which in turn resulted in us not going to the gym. hey ,
can't a guy get a little tired ??? in the end , i wasn't the one feeling lethagic.
it was her !!! ha ha. lol.
went to catch the movie ,
'an american haunting'. it was a really good movie. you guys should catch it , pretty worth the money and all. =)) whichever , it was damn interesting
to see her shreek and scream in horror. such entertainment. ha ha.
fucking cute man. we had like the indo chicken thingy at the food court for dinner. and as usual , we never did finish the food.
what is new.headed to meet her friends. chilled at liquid. yup. the one near my place. got sent back ... and yeah. here i am !!!
fuck it. i hate being reliant. i hate it.
its reliance that kills , and i can't stop being reliant. cause everytime i think about it , it hits right into another point of view. which then in turn ,
kills me. more then i think i ever know now.
i like it when i am with her.
i don't know why.
kaaye\.- how reliance seeps in ;
without you even knowing.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
this is the 3rd entry for the day.
and its
taken from bro's blog.i don't know why i keep ranting.
but i can't stop.
this has got to do it ;
this has got to remind me.=
Today im going to talk about my friend, whom i endearingly call Leng zai.
I call my friend an idiot all the time, because she is one. She had a relationship with this rich girl. I thought the rich girl was nice, but then i realised she's just like every other rich girl i've met.
She's no good.
(surprise, surprise.)
So my friend breaks up with this rich girl, after some unforeseen circumstances (like the rich girl deciding to fall back into the arms of a man. You know, penis.) and such.
So said friend is sad and torn because she loves rich girl but rich girl seems to have only been fucking around with her heart. So my friend takes pills and ends up in hospital. See, that's why my friend is always called an idiot. But of course, if it was my stead who traded my heart for a penis i would probably commit manslaughter and then stangle the whore with the testicles i cut off and spend my life in jail carving her name on the wall in hate in a straightjacket.
but that's me.
See, now said friend is being an idiot again. She spends the night at rich girl's home, and rich girl bats her eyelashes, flicks her hair and is all pitiful, and asks my friend to have another relationship with her. She says she's in it for real this time. (I'm sure she's always in it, for real. Something's always in her, anyway.)
As much as i call my friend an idiot, i love my friend. She's a close friend, who has made her idiotic mistakes, but come on, she's paid for it in due. Now she's trying to resist rich girl's advances but she's not too good with girls and boobs and all that jazz. They make her unclear and i'm afraid she might make the wrong decision.
Like i said, rich girl is no good.
No good for my friend, because
1) i don't like her, but that's me.
2) she stepped all over my friend.
3) she was the reason my friend got her stomach pumped.
4) My friend was probably, never the same after her relationship with this rich girl.
5) If rich girl loved her so much, my friend wouldn't be so emo now.
I'm coming up with five good reasons, but i'm sure they're enough.
My friend is now treading on thin ice; i've given her the warnings, i've given her all the knowledge i know against such incubus. But my friend has to be determined, has to be cold and strong to fend this incubus off.
She has to remember all her past experiences; all her past relationships.
If rich girl can hurt her once so badly;
she can do it again.
memories locked at Monday, August 21, 2006
don't tell me everything is fine.
when everything is obviously not. don't tell me to give her a call , or why didn't i call her or cause its too late. cause whenever i call her , miss call or not.
there is no response. as in she never calls back. or when she picks up the call , there is nothing to be said.
don't tell me everything is fine.
don't tell me to go over and talk to her.
don't tell me that i can make her happy.
cause i can't.
its killing me.knowing that
i don't know what the fuck she is up to.she's not opening up.
and
i can't do anything.kaaye\.- you know how ;
helpless and rotten i feel.
memories locked at Monday, August 21, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
i must be dreaming ;
its only in my mind. there is none of that in reality. nothing ever happened.
nothing ever will happen. old habbits die hard. you die and resurrect whenever you please. you leave whenever you feel like , and arrive whenever you want. the reason is simple : you've got the key.
unlike the rest.i must be dreaming. no , i think i really must be dreaming.
its all in illusion , everything about you. everything about us. everything about anything and everything that you state about you and i.
i'm getting deillusional. its getting freaky. all i see is
you walking away, towards the night lights of day.
the paradoxity of it all.
i must be dreaming. cause
things like that in reality do not happen , for they are never ever meant to be.
i must be dreaming. i really must be.
don't ever say you will , cause you never would. that's how it always is.
kaaye\.- its not what it seems.
nothing ever was.
memories locked at Sunday, August 20, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
i just got up from my
very very nice sleep.i know i am supposed to be in church.
but
i skipped it. i am tired and i think i am suffering from a flu.
a really really bad flu.and i hate it.
cause tomorrow i have a major test.
that i need to score good for.
I NEED TO.whichever it is ...
yes.
i had a really
bad chain of dreams yesterday.
i dreamt that like ,
my zegna suit got torn.
etc , etc.i am
not going to elaborte.
before all you guys say that i am a
'himbo'.i am going to stop here.
i am going to slack the whole day.
the sun is good.i am going to spend time with
my parents and twit sister.
gosh.
its chicken rice time.
then off to running later. =))
the pleasures of seeing people not being able to run.and
the joy of panting like a dog.laters.
kaaye\.- would you hold my hand.
memories locked at Saturday, August 19, 2006
YESTERDAY i went down to zouk.
i didn't have dinner.
i went drinking on an empty stomach.buah ha ha. i think that was one of the most stupid things to get done man. oh my tian. you tell me about it. god damn it. anyways , the thing is that ... i drank alot. and i meant alot.
i drank 2 teq shots , coutless chivas shots and 2 house pours. not to mention , before i even went to zouk ...
i already drank a bud. count here , count there ... i think about ... 20 drinks or more last night ???
but one thing is for sure. it was
freaking fun. though i think that my image at zouk is so overly dead and done. heh heh. you telling me yeah ??? but then yeah ...
i slept at ZOUK. ha ha. for like an hour cause i was so
pissing crunk. thank god i woke up. or else ... wait.
i don't really want to know, or else. ha ha.
it was really great last night. the music was good. the company was even better. everyone enjoyed themselves ; i think.
MUSIC WAS GOOD. what more do you want ??? heh. slept till like 2 today ??? or was it 3 ??? i stayed over. we only got back at like 6 ??? after supper and everything like that.
TODAYwent for lunch. then headed home to change. met
ling and angel !!! haven't met them for
CENTUARIES !!! and ling got like her bloody counch piercing done. damn nice. and i have
new inspiration for
NEW TATTOO !!! i love the font man. i am going to do
'crucifica di amor'. which only means ...
'crucify my love'. heh. i can't wait to get it done.
ANY SPONSORS !!!??? ha ha.
i wonder what my dad would say this time. heh.
kaaye\.- and then ;
everything gets set back into reverse gear.
memories locked at Saturday, August 19, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
so here i sit.
in my living room.
blasting
'forever love' by x japan.wondering and pondering ,
my next move.
i don't know if i should go.
i have been asked.
countless times , as to why and if i was going to go.
reluctance is the word.
i am sleepy.
irritable.and now i have to pretend that nothing is wrong.
i don't want to go home crunk.
but yet again ;
am i even going to make it home. that is another thing in total.
so tell me.
to go or not to go.that is the question.a whole room packed of people.
of some
i detest.how so.
kaaye\.- now what.
memories locked at Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
i had one of the best 2 hours of sleep. i mean it with everything that i might have in my heart and mind. cause currently i am still running on
window's 95. my mind has yet to recieve its due rest and everything else. in lay man's terms ...
i am still very very very much suffering from the lack of percious sleep. the entire day has been
really sucky. cause , i was so sleepy ... i practically
lost my vision for like ... an hour. everything was blurry. with or without specs and no matter how much i rubbed my eyes ...
they just didn't work. this is due to the lack of sleep. cause , it will cause the brain programme system to run slower then expected.
- a little bit of biology for you. heh.
whichever. it was one of the
best 2 hour power naps ever. firstly , it was right after school. driven and all. secondly , i just
plopped unto the bed. just like that. not forgetting the very nice company. we were supposed to sleep for like an hour. but we ended up sleeping for like
2 hours ???
and then the
blaming game ensued. heh. like what is new right ??? not like i am in any position to say anything. but
YES. the blaming game. the very infamous one. we made it to marina in
15 mins. and it was pretty great , not being the one behind the driver's wheel. heh.
walked around ... met
denyse !!! who's boss thinks i am guy. *
coughs. picked a few stuffs up, as in we managed to find stuff that we wanted to. so yes. headed to carl's junior ... here comes the interesting part. the
transformation of alphabets. how certain alphabets can change into others , but not the other way around it.
headed home after that.
i loved every moment of that.kaaye\.- i don't want to know the future.
i only want to know now.
memories locked at Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
yesterday , i went clubbing.
i went to zouk.i saw alot of people i knew.
and
ALOT of things happened last night.
went with
hue , selina and 4 of her ting dong guy friends.which were like really really fun.
cause they did
really stupid things.we went to zouk ,
most of the time , cause it was
SUPER ENTERTAINING.and not to mention ;
its
MAMBO JUMBO NIGHT.tell me why i shouldn't be there.anyways ,
saw
melissa ong. and selina and i proceeded to phuture.
=))
i got asked ... 4 outta 5 times.
'male or female'.i am getting pissed here.then never mind.
the guys inside think i am also a guy.these girls asked me for a favor.
to help them
fend this guy off.which i eventually did.
heh.
not bad eh.
headed back to zouk.
and it was
MAMBO JUMBO for the rest of the night.
i love it !!!and i want to go back.
i can do the
'summer rain' thingy already !!!
and so can hue hue.
=))
so happy.
headed for supper ...
then went back.
DIDN'T SLEEP.its been day time ;
since 8 last night.
i saw you last night.
don't let it be the last.i might have said things i shouldn't have. i might have. though , now i know ... you do know everything.
tell me why everything is still so uncertain. its been uncertain since forever. i can't forget you. i still can't do anything without you. over reliance ;
its my fault. i let you in.
the cards have been laid. flip them or shuffle them.
kaaye\.- i would give the world up ;
for you.
memories locked at Wednesday, August 16, 2006
today is such a
good day to sleep.we were supposed to go to tan today.
but in the end ,
no one could wake up.which resulted in none of us getting any tan.
heh heh heh.
not to mention ,
the sleep was
getting better and better.i ended up waking up at like ...
1440 hours.tell me about it.
i am so happy la.
and i was
happily drunk yesterday when i went to sleep.which made everything better.
nothing is better then getting high and then ..
SLEEP !!!=))
tell me about it.
swee ar.
spent the afternoon online.
oh my god.
i tell you.
my friendster is getting freaky.i seriously think its getitng so freaky la.
never mind.watched cable vision.
and ended up sleeping till like 2000 hrs.
i feel like a pig already.
but never mind.
i can contain my energy.for later.
i am going clubbing.i am going clubbing.
kaaye\.- let it be.
i want to forget.
memories locked at Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
It's all over with me now.
And i'll kill you.
You changed me.
You drove me mad.
You robbed me of my loving, that's you.
Still i'm sad.
That you betrayed me.
It's all over with me now.
And all over with me now.
And i'll kill you.
Don't call this dream or fantasy.
Nobody knows my soul burned as fire.
Why my heart was broken so heavy.
You might know my love was for you.
=
a few entries ago , i spoke about
determination. about wanting to give up the incubus. about wanting to
finally give into the whole situation and fuck everything up. cause , i am so sick and tired of always being sick and tired over and over the same thing again and again. to the extent that i can practically
count the times and predict the outcome of every single day , etc. etc. yada yada.
you get what i am trying to put across.
today i met the incubus. i saw that look in her eyes.
overly sensitive and paranoid ; maybe. but today, i throw in the towel. a friend every said ,
'she'd never treat you good'. its so true , its scary. and
i hate it when it happens. cause now when i think about it , i am nothing but some toy or something that works when she commands it to. and i don't like it. i really don't.
why i still do it. simple.
i still like her. alot. but sometimes , a line has got to be drawn. i hate every single part of me. cause i give in to her. and
i hate it when i say yes , even when my heart or bloody brain says
NO. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i really really do. and then the lyrics go ...
'i hate myself for loving you.'i did alot of stupid stupid things ,
just to make her happy. - i wonder if she even
knows. i tell her things.
- i wonder if she even
listens. with everytime i say those 3 words , i mean it with all that my heart can give.
- i wonder if everytime i make it a point to run over , just to see her for a few minutes , she realizes how much she means to me and how much i miss her.
- i wonder if she
feels , the same way.
- i wonder if she
treats me as seriously as i do to her.
- i wonder if she
thinks about me , even once through the day when i am not with her.
so many
'i wonders' eh. to make them all end , and to make them
all die off ... so that i don't get anymore white hair growing my my head and my heart to stop beating once again.
i am pulling out while i think i still can. this story should have long ended , there shouldn't have been a part 2 of the whole series.
but i let it happen.so , who's to be blamed.
ME. i had enough of wanting to think of her. miss her. and then at the end of the day ,
get nothing in return. all i get is , nothing actually. i did it once without women in my life ,
i can do it again. i don't have to be vulnerable like how i am now.
i saw her for the last glance tonight. no one really knows , what i am doing. neither do i. cause it is that unpredictable. i am hanging not by a rope , but
by a thread. i don't have to. its my last glance at her , its all going to be a less then fond memory.
i hope to eventually forget.this is the last time.kaaye\.- so let me live ;
a life less.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
its 9 plus coming 10 in the morning.
i am sleepy.my teeth hurt like no one's business.
cause dad gave me the bottom installment for my teeth last night.
and now
its hurting.i think breakfast is a little far fetched.
i am moody.got woken up.
BY THE NAVY.once again - results.
going back to sleep is not an option.would i be out of line to say.
i miss that fucking bitch.i can't get her out of my head.
and because of that.
i am fucking screwed.kaaye\.- i hate to say this.
i miss you.
and i hate it.
memories locked at Monday, August 14, 2006
i just got back from my
15 minute - 3km run. helps clear the head. and i am feeling the
hormones penitrating my blood as i type. its unparadox to update your blog twice a day .. especially with such close intervals.
but i don't give a fuck bother. so as i am intending to type here ... a family is a group of people who might have to come together , forget their differences and get with the things in life. chin up and all. here goes the thing.
i have a family. one of which i love alot. i am not talking about my biological family. i am talking about
the -ing's.we are a
very close group of friends. comprimising of ,
wenny , tiffany , denyse and i. we are a very happy family. and i mean we are
VERY HAPPY. i love them to what my heart can give and i hope somehow ... they might feel the same. cause , i really do entrust down right to my life for / with them.
they make me
laugh , cry and then laugh all over again. like any other little stupid family ... there has to be a stern one , one who nags non stop , one who doesn't really bother on the front and lastly one who just can't stand people nagging. in this case :
wenny - the stern one.
denyse - the one who can't stop nagging / complaining.
tiffany - the one who doesn't really bother on the front.
ME - the one who can't stand nagging.so as you can tell. we fulfill the roles of a family. and being a family ,
every single person is important. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT. without one ... the other won't be of existence and so on. you fill in the blanks. we have our own share of arguments and fights.
and it all ain't pretty. this is
WHY , theRoyaleBlacks ceased its existence. cause its always ... '
i am [insert high position here], so you have to listen to me'. its ironic , especially when the one who's speaking knows nuts about the situation and just argues ... cause ... she is
[insert high position here].
you guys fill in the blanks , am i not right to state that. its
ALWAYS the case.
i miss theRoyaleBlacks. but not like its going to help. as they say , the bigger the family ,
the more problems exists. don't get me wrong.
i miss theRoyaleBlacks.kaaye\.- who's with me.
who's against me.
i don't really need to know.
memories locked at Monday, August 14, 2006
some old habits die hard.=
i had an issue here. a very very big issue. its not that i am irritated or anything. wait. let me rephrase.
I AM IRRITABLE and to my surprise everyone is staying out of my way. which is making me feel even more irritated and agitated. oh , trust me.
you don't know what i know. thing is right ... whenever i find myself
thinking about her , i have
lost my so called battle with the incubus. yet again , i let her in. i allowed her to. in a certain sense. which is a total excuse for being weak.
I KNOW !!! everytime i give in a little ,
i have her giving me nothing but enchantment.enchantment being
disappointment. like you know when you don't get things the way that they are supposed to turn out. but i can't say anything. for one.
she is not mine. there is
no obligation. but tell me why ... i need to see her. everyday. every minute if i can.
you don't want to know how much this feeling really is.
cause it sucks. a hell lot !!!
and as usual when i am done ranting ...
i stop yabbing. like right about NOW.
kaaye\.- i don't know why.
tell me.
memories locked at Monday, August 14, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
yesterday was such a
bloody busy day. i am dead serious. went to
hue's place first with
lil' denyse. we went swimming. rather i went swimming while the other two were happily soaking in the pool. i don't get it. how can you be in the pool and not swim. its like ... going for lunch and not eating.
- you get what i mean. went home after that , then headed down to
starbuck's chalet at pasir ris. which is like damn bloody far. but i had a really good taxi uncle whom , i had a really good conversation with. i like talking to taxi uncles.
you never know what you can get out of them.got picked up from pasir ris , after playing and haning around for awhile. stayed over. woke up
super late. 12 plus ??? had to rush out , cause i had swimming physical.
which really sucked. trust me. i don't ever want to go for physical again.
dieting is
such a difficult thing to get done.
kaaye\.- i am lost for words.
memories locked at Sunday, August 13, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
this is it. i have given it enough thought , they only bring trouble and endless sleepless nights. i thrown in the towel. i don't want anyone anymore.
its going to take everything i have. i know. but
i don't really care anymore. if its going to take whatever i had set in place ... its alright with me ... as long as i am okay in the long run. anything goes.
and i mean everything and anything.i am going to fend this incubus off. this time i am more determined then ever. nothing is going to stand in my way.
even if i cry buckets. i know what is good and what is not good for myself. i know. i am not going to give in to my gluttony for contact.
i am not going to give in to my lack of self esteem or my weak spots.
its not going to work anymore. i am sick and tired of anyways being sick and tired over and over the same thing over and over again. its enough. more then enough. get out and stay out.
don't ever come back. i loved you once and i still do. its just , its never going to be the same. is it. never.
why bother even being my friend. i don't want it. i don't. please don't bother. it just makes your pain harder to bear. and you jolly well know it.
i'm disappearing. don't catch me.here is where the line is being drawn.kaaye\.- crucify my love.
if it will set you free.
memories locked at Thursday, August 10, 2006
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
i cut my hair !!! i know it does not come as a surprise to anyone , considering my love to get my hair cut almost everytime. but this time ... its so neat. i am scaring myself cause no one in the house is making noise at it.
WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO !!! its too neat. it really really is !!! its like ... NEAT !!! argh !!!
watched the fire works yesterday.
uber nice. though i only got ot watch part of the whole shit. it was good enough. cause i didn't even break a sweat. heh. i had the
pleasure of the aircon and good jazz music. in your face people. whichever ...
i had a good time only till then. the
rest is history and is making me feel more then just irritated. so let's move on. i met
hue hue for drinks then we walked to golden. just like the old times. ha ha. sounds romantic eh !!! my arse. of course man.
i love hue. wait ... the purpose of my entry today is cause i want to talk about the 2 most important groups of people in my life.
firstly , the -ing's and secondly , the ting tong clique.=
- ing's. [wenny , tiffany , denyse and i]these 3 people in my life. make the perfect balance. we have a future lawyer , a future interior designer and a future accountant / auditor. while i happily sail all over the place. heh heh heh.
i wil have a nicely designed house. if anyone wants to sue me i got bro. financial matters , i can go running to dee. whichever it is ,
i love them to bits. and they better love me as much ; or perish.
wenny rocks. she's the one i think knows me more then anyone else in this bloody world. she doesn't really talk much , but trust me. SHE KNOWS !!! everything , anytime ... she
KNOWS !!!tiffany , my drinking partner. my little baby whale. heh. she spends time with me getting all that booze into out one liter bladder. and then
we smoke and talk cock. then dance the night away , red faced and all. most of all , we are too alike.
denyse , that little TWIT !!! she's supposed ot be serving me. but it always ends up the other way.
i love her. she's cute but she packs a painful bite. bro and i always make fun of her when we head out. though in the end , we somehow shut up. but yeah ...
=
secondly , my ting tong clique. [wei wei , ling , nana , thevi and i.]we always have alot of fun. with the one hour lunches we have at W4 or at the cafe. we slack like there is no one's business. cause , we just love it. not to mention , we talk alot of crap.
there are no boundaries between any of us. if we don't like it. we say it !!! in your face chee bais !! =))
ling is the bloody 'mu lao hu'. she's the best at getting fierce and all. but we all know she loves us. ha ha. she makes the most sense sometimes. and at the same time , she's the one that she have most stay overs with. trust me ,
i still hope she breaks her leg. heh.
wei wei is my QING AI DE !!! the one with endless flow of tears , but at the same time ... the one with the stupid sian lian face. when
'you know who' is being mentioned or when i PS them. heh. WAIT !!! she is also the one with
psychic powers , when we play TABOOOOOO .... my longest close POLY PENG YOU !!! *muacks.
nana is the joker. INDEFINATELY. she cracks people up , cause she is that innocent. and
she talks a hell lot of crack and a ALWAYS a freeloader for data base. ha ha. but , she's the most 'on' person in the clique.
thevi is always missing. i don't know why !!! everytime we have an outing ... she is not there !!! she has this charm and strunt that hooks guys up. ha ha. we
ALL KNOW HER TRUE COLOURS !!! such a playa. =)) she cracks me up ; everytime.
=
all the love of my life. =))
who encourages the hate of my life.
kaaye\.- you don't want to know.
how much i love to detest you.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
you tell every single lie ; with the ease of it being the truth. in someone else's eyes.
how i wish that ease comes as easy as that hormonal in-balance in my body and mind. that causes sparks to fly and people to go mad over.
your eyes i see
nothing but emptiness. its like looking through a glass mirror.
you don't see anything inside or anything at all to begin with , except your eye. that is how i see you. your heart is nothing but a piece of granite ; practically impossible to crack and resistant to heat ,
its second to none.how i wish i can see you crash and burn. flames coming from the inside out.
triggered by your own misdeeds and karma. how i wish to see.
your down fall. i will be there. not to hold you no more. but to see you lie there , naked in the cold , with no one to help you. but me.
and i just walk away.-
i detest every single part of you.and
i mean it to however you construe it.
kaaye\.- you converted something so beautiful ;
into something so ugly.
you did it with the ease of none.
memories locked at Monday, August 07, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
currently i have these
4 issues that are irriting the fuck out of me. cause , thery are all really either super dumb , super sudden or super oblivious to every one and everything except me. you link these reasons to
my little figgling issues. i am super irritated from thinking too much. seriously.
issue number one :i have this issue , because
i did not meet anyone of the -ing's this week. this includes hue. i dind't see anyone of them !!! and i already miss them like hell.
denyse is busy with school ; i hope she studies instead of playing MAPLE.
hue is also busy with school ; i hope that gay teacher of hers looses his dick for good. then there is
bro ; who i think is already too tired with work. and i am busy with school.
here comes the question : why are we all so busy.issue number two : i have this
obsessive thing over people. as in , i want to know where they are , what they are doing and what they are going to be up to next. i'm suppressing it pretty well actually. but
YES. i am a bloody obsessive person.
here goes the question : why all a sudden.issue number 3 : i have a problem with school and the people at the navy. firstly , i am already extremely stress when you come to talk to me about school work , i have
omega's chasing my back ,
integrals biting my arse , and
'pi' stabbing my heart , etc.
you get the picture. whichever it is , the navy called
AGAIN for my results.
i sent them 3 times already. with a call after the 3rd time to comfirm that they have recieved the bloody result slip i faxed in. yesterday. i HAD to e-mail them the results.
ALL OVER AGAIN. tell me about it eh. i am not going to point fingers at anyone ,
but you think of it for yourself. here comes the question : you said you got the results , then now ??? issue number 4 : if you are a person who gets offended very easily.
i suggest you stop reading here. cause this is going to be vulgar ; at least i think it would in your context. yes. it would.
okay. see the thing here is ,
i am known to be compuntious and at the same time a bloody glutton for physical contact. [i suggest you start thinking what i mean by physical contact. the birds and the bees ... blah blah blah. get it ???]
i don't think its funny or what so ever ... but i think. i think i am suffering from
'reluctanceofwantingtohaveintercourse'. break the words up. its so wierd.
i have a drive. i do. i just don't want to get it done. why i don't know. it so
WIERD !!! to the extent ... i don't even know if i am still human.
laugh all you like.
its tested. i am suffering from a disorder. don't ask me how it was tested. it just was.
i am sad.here comes the last question : why !!! someone give me back my MOJO.=
kaaye\.- its not right.
then again ; neither is it left.
memories locked at Friday, August 04, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
freaking addicted to jazz at the moment. every single moment i am on the computer. its jazz playing. its chill out music , gives me a peace of mind and frankly it makes me want to sleep. heh. of which i have not been having anything good for a long long long time.
whichever. school wasn't that bad.
though it still sucked. the UT was horrid. the questions were all based on the lesson that i SKIPPED. thanksamillion.
god damn it. whichever.
esther came over my place for dinner. heh. it was nice. daddy cooked !!!
sweet. curry noddles was on the menu. and
denyse gets it the best. she gets it delivered to her house. by esther of course.
that little TWIT. i love her all the same though.
now i am tired. and very full.kaaye\.- tell me what is this called again.
is it what rumoured.
memories locked at Thursday, August 03, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
last night was one of the
most stupid nights ever. not that i didn't enjoy it. but , i
missed hue , bro and dee a hell lot when i was there.
thumper was the supposed plan. but in the end , they had a 21 age limit thingy. due to the damn fucking police raid.
damn it.whichever it was , we headed down to boat quay. in search of doing something so stupid we would regret. which is
EXACTLY what we did. haha. we went to this club that was super empty la. but the music was good. along with the company. so yeah.
it wasn't that bad. not to mention , i met the wine connection manager over there. coolness. headed over to nina's place. after my favourite meal of the day -
supper. =))
couldn't get to sleep for some fucking reason. headed down town slacked at creame bristro ; in wait for beatrice.
walked round and round. then off to home.
i need
sleep.kaaye\.- what am i to construe of this.
even you ;
don't know what to do.
memories locked at Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
let's start.
wenny's having wierd vibrations. denyse is having them too. hue hue as well. and then ME. kao. something is going on some where and i have got no idea what is happening. cause something is definately boiling under. but what it is ,
we all don't know. let's just hope it is not something bad or what so ever. .
let's just pray.
nothing happens to anyone of us. its not going to be good if it really happens.
sttayed home today. it was
really really bad. i studied only for like a short period of time ... and i gave in. to the very
appealing bed. gosh. i hate this. well , at least i got the demorgan's theroem thingy and the karnaugh map thing right. give me some credit.
i'm still thinking if i should be heading down. kaaye\.- maybe its true.
you're never here.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 01, 2006