Friday, December 29, 2006
i have come up with an equation.
if i can say so myself. shopping = worries flying away.i bought a vest from G2000 and ahat from zara.
dee got a top from zara and a jacket from pull and bear.
[a tux cut jacket.
FUCKING NICE.]
jenny got a lumberjack thingy from zara.
wei did her shopping in hongkong.
and she got us all the same harrods bag !!!
with
stuff hanging on 'em. so cute ...
heh heh.
had fun.didn't cry.won't cry.and
neither will dee.in hope.
what
beatrice says might suffice.
'there is always sunshine after the rain'.belief i will try.
kaaye\.- shopping is such good therapy ;and it is not a SIN !
memories locked at Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
菊花灿烂地烧.
你的笑容已泛黄.
花落人断肠我心事静静躺.
被风乱也微摇.
你的影子剪不断.
独留我孤单在湖面神伤.
=
so if you have read my previous entry.
i don't know what i am up to.but i am trying to
resist the urge to reply.to that sms.to that call.to everything that this particular person has sent ;or called me for.
no it is not the incubus.
reason to which :
the playing is too close to home. and i know
what it feels like to be on the other end of the spectrum. where by , your spouse is playing on you.
you're wearing the green hat. if you get what i mean.
oh yes.
i have grown up. in some
sick ; wierd and queer manner. but yes. i am sick and tired
of all these little playing games.so what if i really do like her. she's taken and my hands should stay off her. for she is taken.
this conversation between morals and ethics will go on forever. the debating of morals and ethics
have not stopped since socrates and plato's time ; so why would it now. right ?
oh people. my eyes were set were set on her
the first time when they were laid on her. there is something about her i can't quite express.
its this aura she brings out. she's different from anyone i've met. her intelligence level is pretty much towards the 'high' side.
her standard of english is what i call ; my kinda thing. words flow out of her mouth. they don't come out. they flow out.
there is a difference. she walks the same way as i do.
we all know what that strut means.
the similarity scares me. in short ,
she does things that i would want in a girlfriend. a
real potential one. but ; i know
she is taken. my hands should stay off. even though she does state that
'things are dfferent' between her other half and her.
its still some what wrong. to that an sms from her just arrived.
so hail my tempatations for i will reply.nothing more then to assure ;nothing more will take place.
in hope.
kaaye\.- the nonsese of life ;the essence of being.
memories locked at Thursday, December 28, 2006
this entry is a lil queer. for one ,
its coming from me. and secondly ...
its something close to home.my moods have been swinging , due to my current loss.
i miss wayne. but then again , i know i will never get him back. but then again , i ask myself ...
what could i have done to make the entire senario change. 'i could have brought him to the hospital earlier'. 'i could have made sure he had a full medical examination'. 'i should have waited longer'.'i should have ... '.there are so many things that i think , or should have done. prevention is always better then cure.
what comes around , goes around ... the lower it falls ; the higher it rises.
every force has an equal or balanced reaction.
do upon to others ; as you would to like to be treated.
what happens once will never happen again.
things are meant to be the way that scripture sets them to be.
the book of god ; shows how much time you have left. there are so many things
i could think of doing. seriously. to make sure that wayne would get the best medical cure. that he recieved only everything
BUT the BEST i can possibly buy. sometimes ;
everything boils down not to material stuff. everyone wants what they cannot get.
everyone wants material stuff. think about it.
you want that top from armani. you want your pants from evisu. you only wear topshop underwears. you only wear tops that are branded out.
you only wear dunks ; nike or adidas. you want the best of everyting.
but has it ever occured to you. ever.
just for that split moment.
that life is beyond that.beyond all the
calvin klein's ; gucci's ; louis vittions ; armani's ; hugo ; cerutti. life is beyond that. think of life with everything you need.
money flowing like a fountain. everything you want you get.
everything on the shelves end up at your house sooner or later ; everything is but a simple pressing of buttons or a simple signature that you need not worry about when the bill arrives. BUT.
you are alone.what is everything in the world.but with no one to share it with. no one to tell to. no one to hug to sleep at night.
no one to call you 'daddy' ; 'dear' ; 'baby' ; 'daughter' ; 'son' ; 'bro'. what is it.then ,
you cheat on your spouse. you do things behind his or her back.
cheat on him or her. find another guy or girl to your
new liking. and then fall in love.
but you still have that constant person in your life. somehow. so ; it means ... you have 2.
one for the constant emotion of love you know is there. and one for the liking. because that courting stage is gone with your constance. think its fun ?try being on the other side. the one that
knows nothing about what the other is doing.
knows nothing but to love you and to trust you ; because at the end of the day. you are the only one the person thinks about. OR.the constance is only being kept as a constant.
due to the fact that the person you like ; cannot seem to give you that constant emotion you call name 'love'. but yet ,
this person puts a smile on your face with every single time the person calls you a mere 'dear' or 'darling'. your heart melts. time and time again.
BUT.when the constance does it.
the effect appears so different. you wonder
why you are even with the person to begin with. but you know love is there. yet again ...
you think why ; WHY ; why ? why is it that you need the person you like.
THEN.everyone deems this person as a player.
a playboy. the one who
flings around. and knows nothing of but sweet nothings and
has women or men bowing to his or her feet. worshiping the ground him or her walks on.
for his charm can melt anyone's heart. LET ME LET YOU IN ON SOMETHING.everyone deems me as a
player. that i am happy.
but think of it from my point of view. at the end of the day.
you are left with no one. because ,
everyone is with someone constant. there is
no such thing as constant for you. when the darkness of day comes ; you know that feel is going to eat you alive ;
sooner or later. you know it will come.
just a matter of time.
this is why i always say :
it doesn't matter that i have many ; i just want something so simple. but yet i cannot have. think about it.
kaaye\.- beyond those lines ;everything.
memories locked at Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
R.I.P : Cupcake Wayne26th December 2006Born : 3rd November 2006when they said that love stories always have a bitter end ,
i never believed. i thought of so many things to do with you baby. i really did.
you promised me to play ball on the beach. remember ? daddy misses you alot.he doesn't know what to do now.
daddy misses you. daddy misses you alot. i miss waking up at 4 to stroke you to sleep.
i miss you sleeping on daddy's tummy. and biting everything you see in sight. daddy misses you alot.
now daddy doesn't know what to do. all so lost. with nothing to grap hold of. you made the best possible boy.
in 3 days you capture my heart. and when they say forever ;
belief is up to you.wayne. daddy loves you ; forever. belief that.
your image just won't break.
kaaye\.- i would have made you my son ;if given another chance.nothing would change.
memories locked at Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
i miss my dog.ALOT.i don't know why.
but i miss him alot.
i know crying won't help.but i have been crying since yesterday.yesterday afternoon. till now.first thing i did when i woke up.
i cried.not like i wanted it to happen.
i just couldn't stop it.i am in no mood for food.kill me please.the vet said that ...
there were 2 proplems ;
one was bacteria in his shit.and the other was that ...something to do with his repiratory tract.i don't know.
wayne is already so fucking skinny.no more belly.he and i shared the same kinda belly.
now ...
its gone.
he lost weight.his owner cannot stop crying.the weather is not helping.kill me please.
there are so many things i have not done with you.
don't go.
kaaye\.- wayne.i miss you so bad.when are you coming home.
memories locked at Monday, December 25, 2006
note to self : stop crying.wayne is in hospital. and
i can't stop crying. it was my fault for going to like
clubbing and neglecting him for 5 hours. it was my fault i didn't do my part to look after him. it was all my fault.
i wanted to be the best daddy. but i couldn't control myself. i went clubbing till the wee hours in the morning. trust me
i worried for wayne ; every single minute that i was at mos last night. maybe it was me. but i knew ...
hospital was the way to go. right from last night. before i left.
my freaking dad only told me about his conditions this afternoon before the movie we were going to watch started.
i cried my eyes out from before the movie ; till after the movie ; till we got home to get wayne ; even when we were on the way to the hospital ; and even in the inpecting room. oh yes. 3 days and i am crying so much. i don't know why. and then now
wayne has to stay in the hospital. in that little stainless steel cubicle. which i hate seeing him in.
i love him. more then i thought i even did.
when i looked at him. i swear today ... the only thing i can think of was
nothing. tears couldn't stop flowing. cause i knew he was going to stay at the hospital.
i didn't and i stil don't like the idea of him at the hospital. i can still remember bringing him home for the first time.
with that little naughty face and that pointy tail. sniffing every where. wanting everything to bite.
as long as its something = bite. i miss watching cars go pass with him. and
waking up in the middle of the night to only hear him cry.
my heart is bleeding for him.i hope he gets better. cause i cannot think of anything but him and i going to do so many things together.
i already miss having the feeling that i know that in the middle of the night he is going to cry and that i would have to wake up and stroke him to sleep. in the living room. and then
wind up sleeping along with him. with him ending up in the same position as me. then the playing of water when he bathes.
in short -
I MISS HIM. no.
i have not loved something so intensely in 3 days like this.
not ever.
NEVER EVER.i am home with an empty kennel.not like you would know how i feel.
kaaye\.- wayne. daddy wants you back.daddy wants you back.
memories locked at Monday, December 25, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
so everyone thinks.
that
if kaye has alot of girls.he has got to be the luckiest person on earth ;
that
'HOW CAN HE NOT BE HAPPY'.which guy won't like having ...
girl's knocking on their door.licking and worshipping the ground they walk on.and not to mention.throw theirselves at you.which guy wouldn't like that.i don't.frankly i don't.
its times like the festive seasons.
that i realise.
that ...
'HEY ! you're alone'.no. i don't have someone constant.
having too many.doesn't solve anything.trust me.
kaaye\.- and in too deep i sank.kill me.before its too late.
memories locked at Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
the butterflies in my tummy have subsided. it kicked in.
i am a daddy already ! oh man. wayne is sleeping.
soundly outside. and he's like got a blankie and everything. heh heh. talk about cute.
he's the cutest thing on earth. man.
i can't stand its tail. so ... bloody ... ARGH. you should just get ot see la.
its so cute.went to collect the little one early in the afternoon with
denyse ! it was so sweet of her to like head over with me.
I LOVE YOU DENYSE !!! heh heh. =)) i love you !!! went to pasir ris.
everyone thought that i had a pet inside the kennel on the mrt. TYPICAL. never mind. headed down from the train station in a cab then back to purmei after like ... you know ... getting the
entire payment thingy done up. so yes.
at the vet. ...
IT WAS UBER FUN !!! ha ha. so many other doggies !!!
so cute. oh man. and we were like ...
pet talking. now i know.
NOW I KNOW. heh heh.
so cute.
and there was this award winning old beagel. like ... 14 human years old ? oh man. poor thing. but she's still so cute. and
i think wayne scared it. heh. it
kept running away from him. heh.
came home.
WIPPED HIM GOOD. heh. washed his ear. and everything. then yeah. he still smells like dog. cause ... let's see ... we can't exactly bathe him till next week ! cause of his vaccine. that
WOMAN DIDN'T EVEN LIKE ... you know ... GIVE HIM THE VACCINE. hate her.
god damned it. damn it ! never mind.
i take care MYSELF. tomorrow is to my aunt's place. heh.
till tomorrow i figure ?
kaaye\.- to everything but a lie ;you make the facade seem so fake.yet so surreal.
memories locked at Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
ah ha !
i just got back from my therapist not long ago.
i am doing well. actually ... i am doing way better then what she was expecting from me. considering the last time i went there
i was crying like no one's business. this time i was laughing. a bit teary eyed. but that was about it. that kinda thing. oh ... trust me. she understands.
she understands ; considering the amount of money i pay her. YES. heh heh. whichever man ... thing is that.
i can face the incubus and not feel anything. its amazing how.
you
used to love the person so much.
but only to now ;
detest and abhor the very sight of the person.oh ...
does love turn to hate fast enough.whichever it is. its raining.
and its cold. and i mean chilly. people.
please take care. cover up. keep warm.
do something to keep yourselves warm and nice and snuggly. heh. this kinda weather only makes people want to
sleep ; have hot soups ; sex ; more sleep. fucking hell. don't tell me i shouldn't be talking about sex. i am not known as
'the lust'. for no fucking reason. heh.
*hail wenny. =))
okay.
i am going to find some other to do on the internet.
i am dead bored.BUT WAYNE IS COMING TOMORROW !!!wee ... =))
my little son.heh.
i am going to be daddy cupcake !!!
kaaye\.- how the world works ;amazes me.cause almost everything is a facade.
memories locked at Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
before i head to my doctor's later. i'd let you in on something. you know how we all say that ...
'oh , geralyne hasn't grown out of the cutting stage'. ?
you know those very lines ... well. if its the
last pleasure that i have left in this world ; its got everything to do with my blades and compasses. heh.
i don't know why , but
the feeling is way better then anything i can think of. at least it eases me. at least.
if its the last thing that i do for her.
i cut. heh. easy as ABC. i cut.
i am a cutter and damn fucking proud of it. its eased now since
i am on medication. but i am a frequent cutter. i think i should
get a membership card done or something along those lines man. damn it.
well ... whichever it is.
please congraulate me.on my
resistance against the incubus. oh hell she has
no right to control my life. maybe it was
fated her calls didn't suffice. cause
i really didn't get them. not like
i am lying or anything. but thing here is that ... i didn't get it.
swear my butt off to anything. i didn't get it.
oh wells.
resistance to shopping is futile. but its
no more futile when it comes to you. everything becomes ...
inconvinient ; messy ; cloudy and i am the only one suffering. but playing is definately welcome.
BUT not from the incubus. no no ... i am not that stupid.
I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FUCKING BF EVER AGAIN.if anyone is going to control my life.
it ain't the incubus.
it should be me. enough of this ...
melo-dramatic nonsensical life you lead.don't.
don't pull me in with you.i don't want to die along insanity.
i want insanity to die along with me.god damned mother fucking strawberry shortcake pudding pie.
kaaye\.- may these be the last words ;i write for you.
memories locked at Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
so yesterday while waiting for my mother in town ... i went to borders to get some reading done. besides ... i love that place. was reading the usual national geography. its a
'nature' kind of magazine. or so you might classify it as.
if you have never heard of it. ...
please bang your head on the wall. anyways ...
AS I WAS SAYING ... they wrote an article about the amazon.
you know
the amazon. the place with an abundance of trees , clear little water falls , clear running streams and endless canopy of trees that the amazon generates its own rainfall. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. well ... whichever it is ...
illegal logging is being done and the brazillian government is not doing anything about it. talk about corruption. there is
more corruption going on in their governmental system
pertaining to the logging business than thatof the indonesian government. omfg. and its all being done pretty
blatantly. to add on to that fact ...
people are stealing already illegal land from someone else. oh man ... i don't know what to say ... jus that .. the trees are being cut down at a rate so fast that
it realy cannot regenerate. its apalling to know that the amazon ... the one that produces more then a quarter of the earth's breathing air ...
is getting torn down.can you imagine a world without fresh air.a world without the amazon.
its going to be a waste. i am not asking you of anything.
just that ...
if you can recycle.
RECYCLE.its horrid to know such things happen.by the time you have read this entry ...
more then 1000 trees would have been called timber or wood. how much more is this going to last. oh ... and the biggest joke is that ... they have a team of people who are supposed to catch these illegal traders ;
they claim they have you know GPRS and all that crap to track down illegal movement. then when one of them were interviewed ... he said ...
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET IN THE OFFICE. so ...
where does the fucking gprs come from ! what liars ! oh man ...
talking about it makes me angry.
the government should be doing something.anything about the situation.
i don't want my grandkids or kids ...
to know that
the amazon was killed.and live in a world with no fresh air.damn it.
kaaye\.- oh ... it kills.faster then you can say ... A , B , C.
memories locked at Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
OKAY WORLD.
i have now come to a point.
it has come to a point where by ;
i am sick and tired and actualy bored of everything you guys think i am or might be good at. for instance ;
flirting and charming people. omfg. i am so fucking bored of it. i need something new every 2 days. or ... down the gutters you go. i am bored of
all those sweet nothings i spill to get someone in.
ITS BORING ! people say ... 'the art of seduction never dies for you learn something new everyday'. i say
'KISS MY ARSE. its always the same old routine.'I AM BORED.and the
fucking rain won't budge. i am sick and tired of staying home. cause its boring. and i cannot stay home. my life doesn't revolve around be
AT HOME. it revolves around ...
BEING OUT AND OUT ! god damned it.
i am sick and tired.
of doing everything.
its boring.and i am getting bored.
i need something new.damn it.
DAMN IT !!!kaaye\.- trance keep me sane.opera keep be alive.
memories locked at Monday, December 18, 2006
ITS FUCKING MONDAY ! celene is over at the butt of the world.
and its cold ;
dark and
COLD.i repeat.
COLD.i can do with the cold.
i can't do with the wet part.god damned it.
i am not ...
I AM NOT I REPEAT ;
BUILT FOR THIS KINDA TURMOIL.damn it.
and pertaining to my previous entry.
my table is still unpacked.but i have a
new air - condition system installed though.
my table is still messy.and
will not self dispose even if i stared at it long and hard.
...
which totally sucks.
anyways ;
4 more days to wayne !please rain.
fucking stop already.i am fucking pissed with you.STOP RAINING !
its not fun staying home.'rain rain go away;
little kaye wants to play'.
kaaye\.- its so cold ;but you would make it warm.
memories locked at Monday, December 18, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
sunday all over again.
i awoke to an empty house.
cause according to my parents ;
'i tried waking you up , but you didn't.'its either i slept too soundly.
OR THEY ARE LYING.please op for option 2.
ha ha.
anyways ,
the weather's great for cuddling in bed. what a past time.
i have alot to do.but i have no motivation !damn it.
i need to clear my table and everything before friday.
but i have
NO MOTIVATION.what luck.
my butt doesn't want to get into high drive.i am not built for this.damn it.
i need some help.
SOMEONE CLEAR MY MESS IN THE ROOM.i have FAR TOO MANY STUFF.
and
i can't get rid of them by looking at them.oh my god.i need help.i need help right ?
or should i do it ?okay.
i am going to
comtemplate about it for another 5 mins on the couch.
and
hopefully not fall asleep....
till i finish comtemplating.
kaaye\.- i need motivation.oh mother.what a chore.
memories locked at Sunday, December 17, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
i totally dig the song by
jimmy eat world. title is 'may angels lead you'. emo.
I AM AN EMO KID OKAY !!!anyways ... i went to get the deposit put today. went to the pet farm.
AGAIN. save the kid man. he's so cute for one. and for another ...
those eyes. can't stop dreaming of them.
[feels like i am talking about a girl. ... nvm. RANDOM.] went with
matthew ; my sister ; wenny ; jenny ; denyse and met dauser. heh. haven't seen her for a million years please. she still looks the same though. heh. it was pretty much a family affair. ha ha. and ... AND !!!
its such a fucking scene or episode of theLword. think ... kid ; younger sister ; ALL CROOKS ; doggy shopping ; relatives ; friends. i think you get the picture. whichever. i enjoyed myself alot. went to get the deposit done up.
wayne. aka doggy. is such a emo chap.
EMO EMO EMO ! headed to like simei for coffee and MORE DOGGY SHOPPING. got him his
kennel ; toothpaste and his bowls. I AM SHORT OF ... CLOTHES ; TICK PREVENTION ; PERFUME AND SUPPLEMENTS.
don't tell me i am spoiling my dog. damn it ! headed to starbucks.
had coffee. slacked the entire early afternoon away. coolness. sister and matthew headed home. leaving us. dee left not long after. and dearest jong is
still amazed at my eating habits. BUT NVM. headed to bro's house.
i needed a bathe ! stank like a skank. heh.
MORE MASSIVE SLACKING WAS DONE.fefe had his bathe ! and i watched. i am so going to try bathe wayne when he gets back. he stinks ! and ...
stinky dogs are ... SMELLY. ha ha. and now i am home.
CONTEMPLATING ON GOING CLUBBING.god damn it.
mother fucking nah bei strawberry pudding pie.get me leash.
kaaye\.- my eyes were laid ;the day they met yours.
memories locked at Saturday, December 16, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
i have one thing to say.
I WIN !!!i won something really bad. ask me and i will tell you.
heh heh heh.
tonight to mos.
i can't fucking wait.celene's leaving on monday.celene will be back end of next month.doogy is coming on friday.tonight is mos.
tonight is gril's party night.
tonight is ...
to die for night.
I WON SOMETHING REALLY BAD.lil wayne.
if you were here. DADDY WILL TELL YOU.
wait.daddy will teach you.
kaaye\.- hell sure ;something is bubbling under.
memories locked at Friday, December 15, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
sometimes ...
its better to lay low.I AM JUST SAYING.so yes. went
'doggy stuff' shopping today ! with
steph and bro. omfg. i am one day closer to be daddy cupcake.
i am doing a count down here. don't pour water on me. I AM HAPPY. rather looking fucking forward to doggy wayne. heh.
WAYNE ! *slaps self to soberness. ITS LIKE ... 0406 in the AM. and i am blogging.
too excited. my eyes are wide open please. but the head's spining.
SO YES. i went
'doggy stuff' shopping. so fucking fun please. heh. we got like ...
- dog food.- doggy's christmas meal !!!- collar.- leash.- shampoo.- ear cleaner.- brush.- mini treats.- mint bones.- those ... bity thingys. hides or something. - strawberry shaped and sprinkled donut.- doggy 'NEWSPAPER'.- absorbent pee pee paper.erm ... i think that was all that i bought. and i am a PET LOVER'S MEMBER now.
IN YOUR FACE. heh heh. then came the part where by ...
my heart was gone for like 20 mins ? the lady called to tell me
she can't comfirm the DOG. like ... BYE BYE WAYNE !
BUT.
the other lady called me like ... later to tell me
i need the deposit ... cause
some fucking pet shop wants the dog too and
all that shit. and i can only collect him after like ... his first vaccine. which is friday ? so ... i will be daddy only on friday.
*think of clubbing more. =))huggee came too ! we went for dinner , after then. then ... all headed home.
I WENT TO HERSTORY !!! i have something that happened. I WANT TO TELL. but ...
I CAN'T ! went with
chan. I MISS HER TO BITS PLEASE. haven't seen her since forever ! oh man. along with
cheez too. =)) oh man. with her entire group of little friends. met some others as well. heh heh. it was fun.
really fun.
music was la la.
so now i am going to find stuff to get done online.
till i feel sleepy.BIE BIE CHEE BIES.
kaaye\.- i know something you don't.and i am ITCHING to tell.ASK ME.
memories locked at Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
okay. so after thinking of the dog and dreaming of it. and talking to people till my heart melts all over again everytime i talk about the beagel.
I AM GETTING THE BEAGEL. yes. that one. with the very emo looking face. and
NOT the schnauzer. and yes. i think my dog is going to be GAY. cause ... *points to self.
bro's dog is gay too ... and
so is wei's ... so ... i think ... its a wierd kinda
'NORMAL'. heh. =))
=
unto another topic now. i just read bro's diary.
YES BRO. I READ YOUR DIARY. don't get fucking
emotional on me.
but then again. you did have a point.
i don't know. i don't think that you are wierd. cause if you were. then how can jenny , denyse and i be such good friends with you !
it's total crap. i don't have
ALOT of friends. i just have a few.
you guys ; the poly girls ; my new classmates ; and then comes the 'wu-eh bo-eh'. aka here and there friends.
maybe its the part where by i open myself. the part where by ...
i make 'myself' an open book. they see the side of me
i want them to. the side of me that i know would somehow interest them. then leave it as it is ...
till we get closer as friends then they get to see the real me. only you guys and the poly girls have seen.
along with a few others. its the part of being open.
AND I KNOW. ITS NOT LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OPEN. then again ... think about this. how could you have had so many friends back in secondary school but
not as many today ?
IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE AGAIN. come on.
ITS NOT THE END.cause the end is only when the megawatt light refuses to use the energy that is has in the generator to shine. and ...
I KNOW YOU CAN SHINE. brighter then me if you want to. brighter then the 3 of us.
ITS JUST A MATTER OF HOW. and that ...
i can't teach you. open yourself up. you won't feel so troubled and you'd be happier.
i assure you. i assure you.
'
nothing is impossible'.<- you told me that.
kaaye\.- getting married.getting a baby.getting tied down.SOUNDS FUN !!!
memories locked at Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
TELL ME THEY ARE NOT CUTE.
=
omfg. i tell you. i tell you. i just went to meet
beatrice just now. we went for red star's breakfast. at like ... 930am ? omfg. i tell you ... i am so fucking angry. cause i am not left sleepy. think i am going to bathe after this and sleep.
afternoon nappy ! wee ... =))
then we went to plaza singapura. went to get some stuffs for her bf's christmas's birthday present ! then off to
DOGGY HUNTING !!! ARGH !!! i tell you ... so fucking cute la please. as aforeseen. omfg. how can you resist !
i love the beagel. and
so does my dad. IT CLANG ON TO ME AND DIDN'T WANT TO LET GO !!! and it was giving the
'save me / buy me' face ! how to fucking resist ! and then for the schnauzer. omfg. it was uberly playful. and hyper. not my kinda thing. i want a proper english dog. but ...
ITS SO CUTE.
the hyper part ... i'd leave to my dad , mum and sister to help out. heh heh.
WHICH DOG !!!i am lost.
and i time is of the essence.
GOD DAMNED IT !!!
kaaye\.- its like choosing a gf. and buying a baby.
memories locked at Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading.
So sick and tired of all the needless beating.
But baby when they knock you.
Down and out.
It's where you oughta stay.
And after all the blood that you still owe.
Another dollar's just another blow.
So fix your eyes and get up.
Better get up.
While you can.=
its time i blogged. i have been online for like ... an hour plus and this fucking page has been there since when i logged on. today ... today ; today. hmm ...
today.i woke up. went ot the pet shop near my place to only find out that ...
THEY DO NOT SELL DOGS BUT THE STUFF THAT TEH DOG NEEDS. under the blazing hot hot sun. damn it. then i met my grand dad.
YES GRAND DAD. wierd combination i must say. but ... yes.
i am going to move in.
so that he can look after me ? i am thinking ... till i get the broadband. i am going to go over. which is like the ... 27th or something along those lines. so when the new school term starts. its like ...
new house too ? by then ,
hopefully everything is comfirmed. including the dog. cause i have yet to find it. so yes. grand dad signed up for broad band.
JUST FOR ME. trust me.
i am touched.i just don't know how to say it.express it.nevermind.
quit emo-ing. went to ikea to meet
wei wei , guang wei and bryan. omfg. its been a long time since i have seen them. walked around. had
breakfast come lunch come high tea come dinner. heh heh. =))
I KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR THE NEW ROOM.but i need the ROOM FIRST. *fuck.
then headed down town. we slacked and bitched. apart from bryan wanting to go home. heh. YES.
MEN BITCH TOO. omfg. gw is so
fucking good at it. i sure as hell loved the bitching.
headed home.
=
too much thinking does no one any fucking good.seriously.
kaaye\.
- in my thoughts i am drowning.
with suicide in hand.
memories locked at Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
come everyone.
today's subject is newton's second theory.which has definately got me mesmerized to bits.
here goes the theory.
'The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object.'in lay man's terms. the force or an action will produce a reaction equal or greater to its force exerted. get it ??? if not read the sentance above again. anyways , thing here is right ... Newton's second law of motion pertains to the behavior of objects for which all existing forces are not balanced. The second law states that the acceleration of an object is dependent upon two variables - the net force acting upon the object and the mass of the object.
which then brings us to our
dear fucked up lives.whatever we do does have a reaction to it. its called KARMA instead of
laws.KARMA MY DEAR FRIENDS KILL.so as i aforementioned. whatever we do. has a reaction. like it or not.
so if i club and drink ;
i will most prob get drunk and than get into someone else's sheets.NOT LIKE I MIND !!!
=))
oh. life.
fuck it.
kaaye\.-
its just me and you.
memories locked at Sunday, December 10, 2006
in life and death we are all alone.
we are all alone. be it in the day out with friends or with your very own parents. we are all alone.
in life and death we are. we all are. till the day i depart from this earth my smiles are feighed ; the tears sequencial ; the emotions all mirror what is inside. no one understands. the cuts on my hands they don't tell the whole story.
what is inside is worse. if only you could see part of it. i am no indifferent from anyone.
i want to be normal.i really want to be normal.i want to be normal again.to know how it feels like to have the sun shine and tann your skin.
i want to know how it feels like to be alive again.to know that tomorrow will be tomorrow and it would be something so much more interesting than you ever thought of.
i want to feel normal again. to know that , 'hey ... bad stuff onlylasts for a sec. and the next everything would be fine'. you know i want to feel 'normal' so fucking badly. its not like i want to be like this.
i don't want to be like this. you think i am happy like this. you think i want to be depressed. you think i want to have to dream about feeling happy ? you think i do ?
I WANT TO BE HAPPY. i don't want to dream about it.
everyone thinks i have a condition.
everyone thinks that i am mad. everyone thinks that , she is 'sick'. no you do not understand.
i am not mad. i am not insane. you all think i cut to crave the attention. of which you do not understand ...
no one understands. i am not sick. i am not fucking sick. i just cannot control.
there is a fucking differenence.i am not sick.
don't misunderstand me.
i am not sick.
there it was. my grandfather was nagging and practically ringing at my ear. saying his theories on how insane i am and how bad company i have. what so ever. there i am trying to control everything. evverything inside ... it almost popped. i tried calling out for my father. i called 3 times. on the 3rd he told me ,
'this is what i feel. this is what i feel.' and left.
everything is gone.
i am.kaaye\.- no on understands.so why bother trying.everything is gone.now move along.
memories locked at Sunday, December 10, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
ang moh kang tang. meets ah lian.
honey senpai and king host !
just the 4 of us. =))
i look gay. but i love the picture.
yours truly. =))
i haven't been updating.
blame it on the mood of sorts.i went down to a psy like ... yesterday. wait ... rather , wednesday.
freaking as it was. it ain't that bad. no seriously. it ain't that bad.
i cried like there was no tomorrow and everything came out. even the word ...
'incubus'. hello. i didn't think that i would end up like that withone wrong move. but ... who's to know man !
i did. unfortunately.
so yes. i have like 4 new medications now.
1 . Remeron.2. Stilnox.3. Xanax.4. Ativan.the 4th one is the most interesting one. cause its ...
'take only when necessary'. so you just imagine. ha ha.
only when nexcessary. like what the fuck man ! never mind. besides that. on wednesday.
wei wei and i walked till we
almost cried. searching for the perfect present for thevi. which we did la. but ...
FUCKING TIRED.=
woke up at 3.
the fucking medicine is fucking good. supposed to be at harbour at 4. heh heh. met at harbor's starbucks after the drink give away.
we were giving free drinks. omfg. so many stuff. so many drinks. so many people. i made frapp till i too almost went mad. nvm.
wei wei , vi and nana waited for me. SO NICE RIGHT !!! heh.
went to like tapas tree for dinner yst.
which totally sucked. trust me. it did. nvm. we camera whored. heh. then we went to forbbiden city !!! omfg. it rawked. yu hong came as well. so he , vi and i went to the
freezing room. fuck ! it was like
MINUS 13 degrees for the love of god la !!! but it was fucking good. 42 below ; one shot. DOWN !
damn fucking good.headed to mac for supper.
HUNGRY WAS THE WORD.
so yes. later to head out.
again.
bye bye fuckers.
kaaye\.
- to when you were gone.i never forgot your face.
memories locked at Friday, December 08, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
OKAY.
i am happy.i don't know why.
i woke up happy today.
and it feels kinda good.hmm ...
and to add on to that.
my dearest celene ... never mind. the details are going to be kept.
BUT YES. she makes me fucking happy. fucking duckingly happy.
strawberry shortcake peanut buttter pudding pie. =)) so yes. awaking to such a good thing. is ... good enough. heh.
medicine galore. omfg.
so many pills.someone help me.
help me eat the all.ha ha. whichever. other stuff did make me happy too.
BUT I AIN'T GOING TO SPILL. ask me. and i will most probably ...
spill due to ... me being
unable to control my HAPPINESS. ha ha.
so much for being tight lipped. =))
i am happy.
kaaye\.- nothing more to ask for ;contentment ;maybe now.
memories locked at Sunday, December 03, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
hello hello.
PEOPLE.
hurry congratulate me.HURRY !!!thanks for accomidating.
i was wanted to post this entry yesterday ,
but i was too fucking lazy and besides ... i went out. so ...
NO TIME. whichever it is , i went to my doctor's yesterday as mentioned to get cured. cause , for once i am down with my
'never ending' cough. sweet eh. secondly ,
i am being referred to a psyciatrist. YES PEOPLE. all over again. sweet ain't it.
this time its at raffles medical center or some thing along those lines. along with seeing a gyne. (however you spell that.) so yes.
imagine my face. and not to mention
my parent's face. my current medical status : depressed.HELLO I AM BACK INTO DEPRESSION.
and i have no more tears to let loose.
cause ...
i ain't the only one crying whenever i see her.to god be the glory.take me in hurry.=
kaaye\.- when will it ever end.i am so fucking tired.already.
memories locked at Saturday, December 02, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
down that loney lane ;
i'm still waiting.for someone.
i lost back then in the days of irrationality.to only want her back more then what i can get.
the ignorance i portrayed.burst every single bubble i had.
the arrogance it brought about ;came as swiftly as its effects.for all i see in her eyes are lies ;beyond yours and mine.
but hers.all hers.
a constructed orchestra of lies.each with a little truth lined.
for maybe a little hope.that lie would turn into the truth ;
or that nothing would be thought of it.its so difficult to surpress something ;
so huge.
for the sake of all man kind.for the sake of your heart being raptured.you wish it never started.but its ball game forever true.
and lost is its only intent.
where do you go from now.
you don't even know.
nothing you'd live to understand.
kaaye\.
- off the yellow brink road.
for a chance at redemption.
memories locked at Friday, December 01, 2006
what have you done to me.i'd never be the same.i'd never be the same i'd tell you for sure.you really are my ecstasy.my real life fantasy.you really are my ecstasy.my real life fantasy.=
so the thing goes.
wei wei said this, 'if you don't get over her. there is no point in getting into another relationship when your heart is not in it. to only get into one for the sake of it.'
wenny said this, 'its a monogamous relationship.'
i don't have much to comment on. cause frankly ... its nothing but the truth in such a
fucking raw form. 'hello love ; i still don't feel you. NOPE. i don't.' its been one week since ... i had synflex. or anything along those lines.
cause i am out of them for about one week. and yes.
i am DYING. I AM DYING.
DYING IN THE LITERAL FORM.nope.
cigs do not help. not even reds. or even bud. or mojitos. or martel. ARGH !!!
i need to wait for tomorrow.
i need to get back to the routine of going to my shrink. i need it so fucking badly. it has to function normally. omfg.
i need my medicine !!! argh. i
almost lost it today. no one saw it. thank god.
i really almost did. i felt the anger get back on me.
oh yes people.
aggressive angry angry violent anger.trust me.
hell has no fury ; like me.want to give it a shot ???
ha !
kaaye\.- when is it ever going to end ;before the last one snaps.
memories locked at Friday, December 01, 2006