Thursday, July 06, 2006
please following the instructions as follows :click on the
'link' page , then
click on bro's blog and read it.
for the love of god. just do it.=
i hope you've read what ever she wrote in that blog. cause whatever she wrote there is nothing but the
REAL TRUTH. i don't know how long i am going to be
an idiot ; still. cause i know one thing. just one thing.
i love my friends more then i love myself. and being the idiot bro calls me ; i am
fucking soft when it comes to girls.when they cry ; they get everything they want from me.
when they tug my sleeve ; they get everything they want from me.
when they put on a face ; they get everything they want from me.
when they irritate me ; they get evreything they want from me.
when they make me so fed up ; they get everything they want from me.i am fucking soft when it comes to girls. and i cannot help it. its not that i don't want to be hard with them. its i can't.
i tried. when it comes to
rich girl. i can't. when it comes to
rich girl ; i gave my all in that relationship. cause for once ,
i don't know why , i fell so bloody hard into it ,
i couldn't see day light. cause all i knew was her. all i thought about was her. all i was studying was her. -
you get the picture.
its not that i don't want to do anything ;
to stop myself.
i see myself fade away with the wind as it passes by. i am on medication. i am on
prozac and synflex. nothing is stronger these two for depression. you know ,
every night after taking them ; i cannot feel a thing. all you do is go blank. and when it wears off you wonder what happened ??? cause you can't remember what happened when the medication was working.
i went to the hospital.
i got admitted.
i got my stomach pumped for that
rich girl. i swollowed
48 pills in total. my parents are still as farking worried as ever to that it might happen again. i got admitted
2 more times after that. you guys thought i was having fever.
you were wrong. the times that i did not head to school for a week ???
you fill in the blanks.
i visited the hosipital. wait ... put it in this way , i got admitted to the hospital. again. twice in fact. cause
i couldn't stop cutting myself. my mother got scared.
i couldn't stop abusing myself , out of the blue ,
i'd start going hesterical. i
hit my dad and scream at my mother and sister. and then i go back
being normal again. i was
stripped onto my bed for the time i was in the hospital. it wasn't fun.
it still taunts me when i sleep at night.it was not fun.rich girl made me
fucking weak. i gave in.
as usual. i know what i am getting myself into.
i see my body going over and doing stupid things with her , and my
mind trying to control my body from doing further damage.i don't want to have another break down. there are so many things i have yet to fulfill. i don't want to
'accidentally' commit suicide. its dumb. i know.
there are so many reasons as to which i know
i shouldn't head back with her. and yet again , my mind starts coming up with
new ones as
to which why i should. she traded me in for someone else. yes people.
the penis.
i am a boy. i just don't have
a penis. i am sorry. i am a a bloody G.I.D patient.
i don't have to answer to miss or girl. i am not a girl. i don't consider myself as one.i am not lesbian. i am a full boy. i just
don't have the parts to go with it. if you think i am complicated and cannot see my situation then , i hope you see it now.
i am a boy , she traded me in for someone who is more of one then i am physically.
i don't blame her till now.i just cannot forget. i forgive but not forget.
i have changed. i am more emotional ??? i don't know. all i know is ,
i cannot feel a single thing when it comes to realtionships. i really can't anymore. bring on the blonde. bring on the asian.
i just can't. its even worse then just fuck and go. really.
even if she was perfect. maybe i've loss anxiety. i don't even let
rich girl touch me like she used to. cause , believe it or not.
i don't feel comfortable.
that was not me 8 months back. i have changed for the better ;
i know. but ... its taking more then i can give into everything i can find. it really is.
i am trying so hard ; and i
don't see the results. its getting irritating. so irritating i am scared i give in.
AGAIN.
being the idiot i am.
=
and to
bro :
i know you love me.
and i love you too lang loei. you know i do. i hope you do. i love you the most out of all my friends cause somehow i know you know me a little more more then the rest ... and i know
i can always count on you for anything ; cause i know if you can do it.
you will. dude , i hate myself for being like this. i want to stop it. i really do.
but i don't even know myself ; if i can really pull it off.let me fade away - kaaye\.
memories locked at Thursday, July 06, 2006
