Monday, July 03, 2006
this my very ruptured bohemian sort of life. who am i kidding when i say ,
yeah i am happy. very much happy. damn it. i don't know how long this bloody facade is going to last.
i see myself fade away from giving people what they want. giving people my smiles. cause i know if i don't. they will know something is brooming over the hedge. to the extent now.
i feel can't give anymore.i am writing this entry with all knowledge of what i am really saying.
my body is here. but my mind isn't. there is nothing left to be said.
i know i am in denial. and trust me , it the
worst thing i have ever experienced. not that i am complaining. i am in it. and
i am burning on the inside. cool on the out. who is there to judge. who is there is say what i am and what i should believe in.
my dear readers , whoever you may be to me. i
love my friends alot. i practically
depend on them for entertainment ; for that moment of a split second of which i stop and thank the heavens for giving me friends like such. and i thank god i have a family who is doing pretty okay and who bloody hell
accept my liking for girls.
who let me wear suits to weddings. who let me have my own religon. who don't force me to get to church cause they know. who let me drink till i get so crunk. who let me club. who let me go out for supper. who give me cash. who support me when i need some guidance.
my friends are my family. and my family are also friends. i am feeling worse and worse with each passing day. i see people smiling. i see people laughing.
i envy them more then anything on earth. if you could only see the huge amount of weights i have on my shoulders. i worry about everything.
even , the little sea monkeys i have growing at home and whether my mother has her lunch on time or be it , if denyse ; tiff ; bro are safe ; if esther is bored at work ; if my poly ting dongs are stressed. i worry about everything.
EVERY SINGLE SECOND. how do you decipher that.
i'm a pranoid bugger. who's at this very moment in time loosing it. very much. i think i am actually loosing my mind
even before joinging the navy.
there is a part of me , i frankly tell you.
is being buried somewhere beneath the surface. even i can't find it anymore. and i am not proud of it. i am
pretty much ashamed of it actually. my mind is starting to imagine things that was never there. that never happened.
but my mind is making it up ; it seems so real. i am going
cynical. i think. till the extent i
can see myself fade away. how do you explain feeling like that everyday for over half a year
without even realizing it happening right before your very eyes. i see myself fading away. into the facade i drew. kaaye\.- what i am today.
i am not tomorrow.
memories locked at Monday, July 03, 2006
