Tuesday, August 15, 2006
It's all over with me now.
And i'll kill you.
You changed me.
You drove me mad.
You robbed me of my loving, that's you.
Still i'm sad.
That you betrayed me.
It's all over with me now.
And all over with me now.
And i'll kill you.
Don't call this dream or fantasy.
Nobody knows my soul burned as fire.
Why my heart was broken so heavy.
You might know my love was for you.
=
a few entries ago , i spoke about
determination. about wanting to give up the incubus. about wanting to
finally give into the whole situation and fuck everything up. cause , i am so sick and tired of always being sick and tired over and over the same thing again and again. to the extent that i can practically
count the times and predict the outcome of every single day , etc. etc. yada yada.
you get what i am trying to put across.
today i met the incubus. i saw that look in her eyes.
overly sensitive and paranoid ; maybe. but today, i throw in the towel. a friend every said ,
'she'd never treat you good'. its so true , its scary. and
i hate it when it happens. cause now when i think about it , i am nothing but some toy or something that works when she commands it to. and i don't like it. i really don't.
why i still do it. simple.
i still like her. alot. but sometimes , a line has got to be drawn. i hate every single part of me. cause i give in to her. and
i hate it when i say yes , even when my heart or bloody brain says
NO. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i really really do. and then the lyrics go ...
'i hate myself for loving you.'i did alot of stupid stupid things ,
just to make her happy. - i wonder if she even
knows. i tell her things.
- i wonder if she even
listens. with everytime i say those 3 words , i mean it with all that my heart can give.
- i wonder if everytime i make it a point to run over , just to see her for a few minutes , she realizes how much she means to me and how much i miss her.
- i wonder if she
feels , the same way.
- i wonder if she
treats me as seriously as i do to her.
- i wonder if she
thinks about me , even once through the day when i am not with her.
so many
'i wonders' eh. to make them all end , and to make them
all die off ... so that i don't get anymore white hair growing my my head and my heart to stop beating once again.
i am pulling out while i think i still can. this story should have long ended , there shouldn't have been a part 2 of the whole series.
but i let it happen.so , who's to be blamed.
ME. i had enough of wanting to think of her. miss her. and then at the end of the day ,
get nothing in return. all i get is , nothing actually. i did it once without women in my life ,
i can do it again. i don't have to be vulnerable like how i am now.
i saw her for the last glance tonight. no one really knows , what i am doing. neither do i. cause it is that unpredictable. i am hanging not by a rope , but
by a thread. i don't have to. its my last glance at her , its all going to be a less then fond memory.
i hope to eventually forget.this is the last time.kaaye\.- so let me live ;
a life less.
memories locked at Tuesday, August 15, 2006
