Thursday, October 19, 2006
i think i got the runt of the whole lot.
i am not feeling the leat bit happy.
surprise surprise.
nothing to be overly excited by.
neither is is something to be totally happy with.
can someone tell me what is going on with my life ??? i sit here with a cig in one hand and grabbing on to the can of beer every 2 minutes. i know i smile. i know i laugh. but at the end of the day ; its nothing more then just a moment. you know ... a 'moment'. i fear of something everytime i do something.
i am having problems. i just brawled by eyes out. that hasn't happen in a gazillion ages. not to this extent at least. and you know what was the best thing ??? i brawled my eyes out in front of my aunt. i love her. she was and is the only one that might understand what i am going through. i told her everything from being gay to being cynical to be a depression patient to her being the only one to knows i am in the navy and i smoke like there is no tomorrow. at least she knows what it feels like , my parents just think ... 'its just a phase , it'd blow over soon enough'. i am waiting all so patiently. tell me. tell me la. TELL ME.
did i mention , i just smoke a whole fucking pack. CONGRATS to myself.
i don't even know why am i crying. i feel like a joke. there are too many things surrounding everything i am or what i want to be. everything is on my mind. everything. charis is still in my thoughts and i frankly hate it. then there is this family problem that i can't get over , i feel like an atm to my family. then there is the school , friends and well ... just me. i feel like a joke. a fucking mistake. i feel so fucked up.
is this a breakdown ??? i don't know. i am going to my psy tomorrow. i don't know !!! i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i really don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. nothing's ever been right since the day that i fell into depression last year. NOTHING !!! nothing. nothing nothing. NOTHING.
and this is the only place i can say everything out with the ease of none. thanks so very very much. i feel like a jerk. have i done everything wrong ot deserve something so bad as this ??? i don't know.
i am fat.
i am ugly.
i am obnoctious.
i am irritating.
i am fucked up.
i am useless.
i am stupid.
i am dumb.
i am nothing.
i am a spendthrift.nical.
i am depressed.
i am a person with no life.
i am redundant.
i am nobody.
i am not reliable.
i am not responsible.
i am not worthy.
i am the least bit normal.
i am wierd.
i am eccentric.
i am nothing i want to be.
i am lost.
i am loose.
i am cynical.
i am a loser.
i am damaged.
i am insensitive.
i am grumpy.
i am possessive.
i am bad.
i am hidious.
i am NOONE.
i am an aspiring officer.
i am everything you fear you become.
i am.
what have i become.
kaaye\.
- why.
memories locked at Thursday, October 19, 2006
